If I Lose Her (8 page)

 “Well?” She
asked.

 “Well what?”

 “Are you
tired of fishing yet?”

 “I’m at
least distracted.”

 She drank
that reply in and smiled up at me.

 “You should
get in. You can swim can’t you?”

 I chuckled.
“Yes, I can swim. I’m just not wearing swim shorts.”

 “So.”

 “So? I’m not
getting in that water without a bathing suit.”

 She turned
and looked across the lake to where Nate had been fishing. He had moved further
along the bank to a spot back in some trees where I could barely see his bright
orange shirt. Then she turned back to me and slid her arm down into the water.
When they came back up, they were holding her bikini bottoms, and she hung them
on the wooden dock post.

 My eyes grew
as what she was suggesting sank in. Then I turned around and started walking
away.

 “Oh come on.
I’m just kidding,” she said laughing. “I just wanted to see what you would do.”
Then I turned back around as she was lifting herself out of the water and onto
the dock. She was wearing both pieces of her swimsuit.

 She walked
over to her bag, pulled out a towel and dried herself off. Then she put the
rest of her clothes back on.

 “Next time
we come, you and Nate should bring your swimsuits. The water’s great. Are you
hungry? I think we should have lunch.”

 “Yeah, I
could eat,” I replied not knowing what else to say.

 We called
Nate and ate lunch.

 For the rest
of the afternoon my mind kept playing with what would have happened if I had
gotten in that water.

 In the weeks
that followed, the three of us hung out often, but Kris and I never spoke again
about what had happened.

 Summer was
going well. I could tell by my mother’s mood, and the way that she carried
herself, that much of the weight of our daily life back home was peeling away,
one day at a time. We had even had a pretty good start to the summer with sales
since there was a new car dealership that had opened up just outside of
Faribault that ordered several thousands dollars worth of product.

 “How has Jo
been?” she asked one night over some home-made pizza.

 “She’s been
good. She got a part-time job at a photo gallery downtown called Camera
Obscura.”

 “Oh, yeah?
That’s good. I think I’ve heard of that place. Isn’t it just a block or two
from the art museum?”

 “Yeah. She
seems to be enjoying it. She said that during the week they’re not real busy so
she spends most of her time looking at all the photos they have stacked in
books and stored in drawers, and I guess they have original Edward Weston’s and
stuff from Sebastio Salgado. Last week they even got in an original print of
the Afghan Girl by Steve McCurry that was on the front of National Geographic.”

 She nodded
and took another bite of her pizza.

 “She said
the photo is so much more beautiful than anything you see in print. I guess
she, the owner and the curator just stood around staring at it for like twenty
minutes after they unpacked it.” 

 “Oh I bet.
Originals of stuff like that are always better than how they look in magazines.
I see she’s been writing you just about every day.”

 “Yeah.”

 “Have you
talked to her recently?”

 “Not since
last week. I missed her call Wednesday, and I’ve been meaning to call her back.
I just haven’t gotten around to it.”

 “How about
writing her, how’s that coming along?”

 I could see
where she was going with this, and I don’t think she was prying, just lightly
drawing attention to something that I might not have thought about.

 I shook my
head and pushed my pizza crust back and forth across my plate.

 “Fine when
we first got here, but the last few weeks I guess I’ve just been caught up with
other stuff.”

 “You know
I’m not trying to tell you what to do honey, but just remember, when you left
Colorado things between you two were pretty good, and she probably thinks that
is how they still are,” and she shrugged her shoulders and looked down. “If you
want to spend time with Kris…”

 “Mom,
nothing is going on between me and…”

 She held up
her hand. “I understand. I’m just saying. If you did…”

 Then there
was a knock at the door.

 She laid her
napkin down on her plate and stood up from her seat. “You should be honest with
her. That’s all I’m saying.”

 She opened
the front door, and standing in front of her was Peter Simons.

 The last time
I saw Pete was back in Colorado, nearly two years earlier, when I helped him
unload a truck full of his personal garbage onto our front porch that he was
supposed to come back for. Instead he stole a good chunk of our lives, my mom’s
business and left town. My mother cried herself to sleep for over a month after
that happened, and now this asshole had the nerve to be standing on our front
porch. 

 I rose from
my seat, but my mother held out her hand to stop me from approaching.

 “Let me see
what he wants,” was the look on her face. Then she went outside and started
talking to him.

 I sat back
down and watched them talk and smoke through three cigarettes before she smiled
and started laughing. This was not going the way I wanted it or expected it to.
Pete was the smoothest talker I had ever met in my life, and I knew that if my
mother did anything other than tell him to get lost, things could get dicey.
After another two cigarettes she came walking back inside.

 “I’ve
invited Pete in for some supper.”

 “But mom!”

 She held up
her hand again, closed her eyes and shook her head.

 “He’s just
passing through town and is only going to be here for a few days and wanted to
see how we were doing.”

 “We’re doing
just fine,” I said standing up and pushing my plate across the table, but she
put her hand on my chest, so I clenched my fists and held my peace.

 “It’s just
dinner Alex,” and she waited a minute to see if I would respond. I just turned
away. Then she went back to the front door and opened it.

 “Hey kid,” he
said when he came inside.

 
You son
of a bitch. I’m not twelve anymore so you better watch it!
, I thought to
myself.

 Pete had
gained weight and lost hair since the last time I had seen him, and I had put
on about 25 pounds of lean muscle, so I walked up to him and got close enough
to see his dandruff and smell his body odor. He just smiled.

 My mother
could have dinner with him if she wanted, but I wasn’t about to, so I walked
past him and down to the front yard. Then I kicked the aluminum trashcan
sitting on the curb for tomorrow’s pickup and sent a couple of bags flying into
the street. I didn’t care.

 The night
was warm and I could hear the crickets chirping out the night so I turned and
started walking, up the hill toward the edge of one of the universities in town
where I knew the trees were the most beautiful and I would be alone.

 My walk was
heavy, but this wasn’t burning off any adrenalin so I burst into a sprint.

 There is
something deep in the heart of every man that lies beneath the layers of
accountability, social etiquette and moral response that is passionate and
wild, and tonight I didn’t give a shit. I ran so hard I couldn’t feel the world
beneath me, I ran until my legs burned, I ran until my heart was the only thing
I could hear and could run no more. Then, on the green manicured lawn of the
St. Olaf football field, I finally collapsed.

 I gulped
down lungfulls of air and let the cool grass hold me while I looked up into the
night sky. I heard someone walk up.

 I sat up.

 It was
Kristina. She was breathing heavy too, just not as heavy as I was.

 “What are
you doing here?” I asked.

 “I was on
the porch drawing when I saw you kick the shit out of our trashcan, and I thought
you might need someone to talk to.”

 I picked
myself up and dusted some of the grass off of my jeans.

 “How’d you
keep up with me?”

 “School and
sports remember? You okay?” She asked stepping closer.

 I rocked
back and forth and ran my hands through my hair not sure what to say.

 I looked at
her again and saw her pressing forward, so I kissed her.

 She ran her
hands through the back of my hair and kissed me right back.

 Now, I don’t
know if one of us knocked the other one over or if we tripped, but next thing I
know we are in the grass quickly throwing our friendship right out the window.
She was so warm and so fresh and so here. Then I thought about…

 
Jo!

 
I
pulled back and rolled off of her, wiping my lip with the back of my hand.

 
Holy
shit, what HAVE I done?

 “What,
what’s wrong?” She asked sitting up.

 “Oh my god,
Kris I’m sorry, but I have a girlfriend back home.”

 “But she’s
not here right now,” she said leaning forward and putting her hand on my chest.

 I turned
away.

 She stood up
and I stood up with her.

 “Kris I’m
sorry I just…” and I reached for her hand but she pulled it away, and I saw her
put her hand to her mouth as she turned and started walking. I followed her.

 “Kris
please, I’m all screwed up. You didn’t do anything. Just let me…”

 “Alex, it’s
fine,” she said walking faster.

 I tried to
keep up but she started running. Then she bolted off faster than I could even
hope to keep up.

 I ran for
another block or two then gave up and walked the rest of the way home.

 When I got
back to the house I walked up to her front door. Her sketchbook was lying open
on the window ledge. She must have left it when she took off after me.

 I had seen
her sketching on afternoons out front and at the lake when Nate and I were
fishing, but I had never seen any of her work except that one piece she had
shown me the first day we had hot chocolates together.

 
I don’t
like showing people my work.
I remembered her saying, and I picked up the
book to close it and make sure she got it back when I saw the image she had
been working on, with the pen laying still uncapped in the fold of the book. It
was me, standing on a dock with a fishing pole in my hand.

 I couldn’t
help myself, so I turned the page.

 On the next
page was my hand, holding a fish that hung from a line. There was one of a dock
with reeds along one edge. Then another of me, at the coffee shop with a book,
and one of my eyes close up. There was another of my hand then another of me
and another and another. Most of the book was some aspect of me, mostly at
moments when I was occupied with whatever it was I was doing.

 
What have
I done? I didn’t realize…I mean I guess I should have. We’ve been spending so
much time together.

 
Pete’s
car was still in the drive.

 I wasn’t
ready to deal with him yet, and I knew that I couldn’t just leave things like
this with Kris, so I looked at my watch. It was nearly eight. I still had time.

 Pete’s car
was parked behind my mother’s so I walked the twenty minutes to the nearest
grocery store hoping to find some way of showing Kris that I hadn’t meant to
hurt her.

 I found what
I was looking for and walked back to the house.

 Now Pete’s
car was gone, thank God, and my mother’s Ford Focus was the only one in the
drive. It was almost nine. Kris’ parents must have gone off somewhere for the
evening.

 I walked up
to the door.

 Her
sketchbook was still sitting open on the ledge where we had both left it. I
unwrapped the single yellow rose, laid it between its pages, folded her book
shut and set it between the screen door and wooden front door of her apartment.

 There was a
light on inside, and I almost knocked, but I decided not to.

 The next
morning my mother was up and dressed before I was, and there was no breakfast
on the table like there had been on mornings when we would be going out to sell
brooms together.

 “Hey,” she
said. “I think I might give you the day off.”

 “What do you
mean?” I asked standing in the doorway to her bedroom. She was leaning into her
mirror and applying a subtle shade of red lipstick.

 “Peter asked
if I wanted to go out with him while he visited some accounts today, and he
offered to buy me lunch, so I said yes,” and she smiled at herself in the
mirror, tilting her head this way and that.

 “What?
You’re going out with Pete? And what do you mean accounts, what kind of
accounts?”

 “Alex, we
don’t have a monopoly on selling brooms in Minnesota.”

 “They’re
broom accounts? Are you kidding me?! Why are you even talking to that asshole?”

 “DON’T you
use that language with me,” she said holding up a finger. “We’re just going out
for a few hours.”

 “He STOLE
your business mother! There is no way that he disappears for the last two years
and then suddenly shows up on our doorstep, all the way up here, just to say
hello.”

 “I don’t
need a lecture from you Alex, running around with that Kristina from California
with her tight shorts while you have a wonderful girl waiting for you back
home. Besides I am OLD enough to decide WHO I want to go out with.”

 “There is
NOTHING going on between us!”

 
I didn’t
think there was anything going on between us.

 “Look Alex,
who you date is your business,” she said walking past me to her purse sitting
on the kitchen table. “Here’s twenty bucks. Go see a movie. Go fishing. Go take
some pictures. I don’t care, but I’m going out.”

 There was a
honk outside. She turned and walked to the door. Then she stopped.

 She turned
back around, walked over to me and put her hand on my cheek.

 “I know
you’re trying to look out for me, but I’m a grown woman. I was looking out for
myself long before you were here.”

 Then she
kissed me on the forehead and left.

 I took a
shower, got dressed and went downstairs. There wasn’t anything I could do about
my mom, but I needed to try to do something, say something to Kris.

 Their car
wasn’t in the driveway, but that was no indicator since their parents were
often out for the day and long into the evenings.

 I walked up
to the door then stopped. I rubbed my knuckles and the back of my neck. I
turned and left the porch and looked up and down the street. Not looking for
anything in particular, just nervous about what to say. I turned and went back
to the door and knocked. Nate answered.

 “Hey Alex,”
he said stepping outside and pulling the door shut behind him.

 “Hey Nate,
is Kris here?”

 He nodded
his head yes but said: “I’m supposed to tell you that she isn’t here, and that
she doesn’t want to talk to you.” Then he grabbed my arm and pulled me off of
the porch.

 “What
happened?” he whispered. “She’s had Sarah McLachlan going all morning.”

 “God Nate, I
don’t know. This total prick my mom knows shows up last night and I got all
wound up and took off up the hill to St. Olaf, to blow off some steam right,
but I guess your sister saw me take off and thought I needed someone to talk to
or something, so she followed me. Then when she came walking up my head was all
in a mess and I was angry…so I just kissed her.”

 “So, what’s
the problem? She’s had a thing for you pretty much since we got here.”

 “I didn’t
know that! I mean I should have. We flirt and stuff, but I thought it was all
innocent.”

 “Dude,
flirting is never innocent with girls.”

 “Well, shit.
Thank you for that mister Cupid. Where were you last night when I could have
used some relational advice?” And I rubbed my forehead. “Anyways, the problem
is that I have a girlfriend, so when she kissed me back I pulled away.”

 “There it
is,” he said shaking his head. “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

 “Well, what
am I supposed to do, say: ‘Hi, my name’s Alex, let’s catch some fish. By the
way I have a girlfriend?”

 “Uh, yeah.
You could have at least mentioned her.”

 “Can we stay
focused please?”

 “Well,
normally I’d say I have to kick your ass, but I like you Alex. Besides, I don’t
think you’re trying to dick over my sister, otherwise we’d be having this
conversation after you slept with her not after you kissed her. The best thing
to do is just give her some time. It’s all a little too raw at the moment.”

 “I don’t
have a lot of time though Nate, mom and I are heading back next week after the
‘Defeat of Jessie James Days’ fair, and I don’t want to leave things like this.
We’ve had too good a summer.”

 “Hmm,” he
said rubbing a hand through his hair. “Look, go buy some flowers or candy or
something and come back in an hour, and I’ll see if she’ll let me talk to her.”

 
I’m not
even dating this girl and I’m trying to make up with her
, I thought as I
walked downtown.
And how am I going to explain all of this to Jo? I suppose
I could just not tell her.

 I played
with this idea for a few minutes.
No, I don’t want to lie to her like that.
How did this even happen?
The smiles. The walks with me downtown.
She
probably WASN’T on her way downtown already like she told me. Her wanting to
come out to the lake.

 I looked in
the various shop windows not sure what to do to make up for what I had done. I
couldn’t just buy her a bunch of flowers, I didn’t want to send her more mixed
signals.  

 
Us
laughing over Mexican hot chocolates more times than I could remember.
Mine
and Jolene’s first date was over hot chocolate. I need to drink more coffee.
Then I snapped my fingers.
I know what I’m going to do. 

 When Kris
finally opened the front door wearing jogging pants and a hoodie, I was sitting
on the table in the front yard with a cup of Mexican hot chocolate- a cup of
Mexican hot chocolate so large that I was barely able to carry home.

 She walked
out with her arms crossed over the front of her chest.

 “What is
that?” She asked.

 “I wanted to
say how sorry I am, so I thought I’d get you a Mexican hot chocolate, and since
I am REALLY sorry, I had to get you a really big cup.”

 “Are you
kidding?”

 I wasn’t
sure if she was offended or in disbelief.

 “Uh, no.”

 She walked
over and touched the cup that stood from the table, where I was sitting, up to
my shoulder.

 “Is it
really full of hot chocolate?”

 “Forty-seven
cups of hot chocolate to be exact and two cans of whipped cream.”

 She smelled
the comedicly oversized mouth hole and looked in.

 “How did you
do this?”

 “I guess
whoever sells them their cups made this one as an advertisement. They had it
sitting on the back counter for the past few months.”

 She looked
up at me when I said this.

 “Don’t
worry, I made sure they washed it. You should have seen the look on the clerk’s
face when I told her I wanted this thing filled with hot chocolate. It took
them forty-five minutes, and I had to pay them a hundred bucks plus the price
of the hot chocolates, but it’s worth it if you’ll forgive me.”

 Her
lightened attitude grew grey again as she came back to why we were having this
conversation.

 “I wasn’t
expecting anything Alex. I didn’t even know if you liked me, but the past few
weeks we’ve been spending more time together, then when you kissed me last
night…”

 “I know
Kris. I’m sorry. You’ve been a lot of fun to hang around with, and if things
were different, I think we could have hit it off, but I really love my
girlfriend back home.”

 She walked
over and put her finger on my chest. “What’s her name?”

 “Jolene.”

 “Jolene huh?
Is she pretty?”

 “I think
she’s amazing.”

 Kris turned
a bit and looked up at nothing in particular. Then she sat down on the table
next to me. “Well, how’s a girl supposed to drink out of this thing?”

 “You could
tilt it, but I wouldn’t recommend that,” I said reaching behind my back and
revealing an empty cup. She took it, I helped her get the giant sized lid off
and she scooped up a cupful of the liquid chocolate. All but a thin layer of
the whip cream had melted. Then she took a drink and a drip of brown ran down
her chin. She caught it with her sleeve and smiled.

 “Well, it
tastes like a good apology.”

 “Do you think
I can have some?” I asked revealing a second empty cup.

 “I don’t
know. I might want to let it get nice and cold before I let you have any,” she
replied dipping her finger into her cup and flicking the warm liquid at my
face.

 My mother
went out with Pete every day for the rest of our trip, including weekends,
which meant I had too much free time on my hands. Since I was pretty tired of
fishing, I went back to what I knew and took photographs of everything I had
neglected up until now. Nate and I went back to the dock a couple of more times
so he could fish while I took photos, but I only saw Kris one more time before
I left.

 It was the
last night of the ‘Defeat of Jessie James Days’ fair when the whole town of
Northfield comes alive to celebrate the day that the townspeople took up arms
and gunned down the notorious bank robber and his gang right in the street as
they tried to flee with the town’s money. There are re-enactments and music,
carnival rides and food.

 Nate and I
sat as the sun went down watching the lights of the Ferris wheel spin and
people try to knock over some metal bottles with a ball for a prize. We were
talking about how many fish we had caught and eating a dish of fried cheese
curds covered in ketchup when Kris walked up and planted herself down between
us. She looked like she was up to her old self, drawing attention from several
of the guys around us.

 “So, did you
win anything?” She asked us both as she reached into my plate and fished out a
fried chunk of cheese.

 “We’re not
really playing anything,” I replied.

 “Ah, don’t
you need to win something for the girlie friend back home?”

 “She’s not
really into that kind of stuff.”

 “Well she’s
probably pretty excited to see you anyways.”

 “Actually,
she thinks I won’t be home for two more weeks. I’m going to surprise her
tomorrow night.”

 “How sweet.
I see you’re back to taking photos,” she said fiddling with the camera hanging
around my neck.

 “You should
let me take yours.”

 She smiled
and stood up on the balls of her feet. “Only if you ride a ride with me.”

 
I’m not
sure about that.

 I hesitated.

 “Oh come on
Alex, just one. I promise I’ll behave.”

 “Okay,” I
said handing Nate my camera. “What do you want to ride?”

 “The Ferris
Wheel of course.”

 So, we
walked up to the Ferris Wheel, I bought us two tickets and we climbed on. We
sat down in the bucket seat, clamped the bar across our laps. Half way through
the second rotation she took my hand and laid her head on my shoulder. I just
let it be.

 When the
ride was over we climbed off and I took my camera back. “Can I still have a
photo of you?” I asked. She just nodded. She put on her best smile and threw
her arms up in the air as I snapped the photo of her with the spinning red of
the Ferris Wheel in the background. She walked up to me, gave me a hug, kissed
my cheek and said goodbye. Then she walked away.

 I said my
goodbyes to Nate explaining how mom and I always liked to get an early start,
and we promised to call each other. Of course we never did.