House Of Secrets (21 page)

W
e had plenty of time, so I opted to drive Mark to SeaTac rather than take the ferry. The overcast skies promised rain, but that didn’t bother me. What did bother me was the way Mark watched me from the passenger seat. I had expected him to be talkative and full of references to the kiss we’d shared earlier. Instead he just sat there grinning like he knew I was reliving that moment over and over. Of course . . . I was.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Okay, so let’s say we have a . . . relationship . . . hypothetically.”

He laughed. “There’s nothing hypothetical about it. We have a relationship.”

“Of course. Even friendship is a relationship. And then we also have our working relationship,” I said and changed lanes to avoid a logging truck. “I just meant suppose we were to get romantically involved.”

“Like kissing and being breathless in each other’s arms?”

I had to slam on the brakes to avoid rear-ending the white sedan in front of me. Maybe this wasn’t the best conversation to have while driving.

“Look, why is it so hard for you to admit that I have an incredibly powerful effect on you?” Mark reached out to touch my hand and I nearly jumped out the window.

“Enough.” I saw the exit coming up and signaled to take it. I got off the highway and made my way to the nearest parking lot. Pulling to a stop, I threw the car into park and turned in the seat.

“The last time I opened myself up to let someone affect me the way you do was . . . well . . . it was . . .” I fell silent. “All right, so the truth is I’ve never opened myself up that way. I’ve only had two boyfriends my entire life, and neither was anything more than a surface relationship and certainly nothing as serious . . . as this.”

“So you feel serious about this?”

I tried to still my racing heart. “Look, I don’t feel things lightly. In fact, I don’t like to allow myself to feel deeply at all. You have a way of breaking down my defenses.”

“And what’s wrong with that, Bailee? I’m crazy about you. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here. I love you.”

I swallowed hard and felt the breath catch in my throat. It should have been easy to tell Mark that I loved him as well. And I did. But for the life of me I couldn’t say the words. I looked at him for several minutes.

“There are still so many questions in my mind. There are things in my past that are unresolved. I don’t think I’d make a very good girlfriend . . . or wife for that matter.”

His expression grew quite sober. I thought for a moment that maybe I’d offended him by mentioning the idea of marriage. “Bailee, you don’t have to settle everything in a day. You’ve gone through a lot since coming here.” His hand covered mine. “I’m not going to make things difficult for you. I want to be there with you—to help with what you need.”

“I don’t know what I need; that’s the problem.” I smiled, hoping to reassure him. “I want this to work out. I do.”

He returned my smile. “Then we’re in agreement on that issue, because I very much want this to work.” He made it sound so simple, but I knew in my heart it wasn’t.

“I need time. I need to know that Piper is okay. Even if she’s schizophrenic . . . I need to know that she’s getting treatment and that she has what she needs.”

“Bailee, she’s not your responsibility.”

“I know that, but she is my sister.”

“You have to let go sooner or later.”

His comment made me defensive. “Look, this is my family, and I don’t expect you to understand. Just because I know more now about the past and the secrets that were kept than I did a week ago doesn’t mean I’m ready for a commitment. I need time. I need to talk through all of this with my therapist and . . . and with God.”

“But not me?” He sounded hurt. “Is she a Christian therapist?”

I shrugged. “I never worried about asking and it’s never really come up. Dinah is good at what she does.”

“I understand. Just keep in mind that it might become an issue. As you draw closer to God and learn more about what the Bible says . . . well, you might find that the suggestions of a non-Christian won’t line up. Just be prepared. Have some options. Like I said earlier—I have a friend in the area.”

I didn’t want to further offend him, but the last thing I wanted to do was change therapists. The idea of Dinah being offended by my new acceptance of Christian values had never really entered my thoughts, and I couldn’t honestly say how I would respond if that turned out to be the case. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

He looked at me like he couldn’t quite decide whether I was telling the truth or not. He let out a long breath and leaned back against the seat. “Funny, I thought I knew all the obstacles I was facing in this relationship.”

I looked at him and felt a strange sense of loss. Was he going to give up on us? Was it unfair of me to beg him to hang in there with me . . . to give me time to sort through my issues? Would I lose him because I needed to do this on my own?

Mark gave me a sad sort of smile. “You’d better get me to the airport or I’ll miss my flight.”

I wanted to say something, but the words stuck in my throat. How could I reassure him when I didn’t know where my journey might take me? I wanted to pledge him my undying love, but in all honesty I knew that wasn’t realistic. I was far too practical to pretend otherwise.

I was sorry to see Mark walk into the airport. Sorrier still to board the Bremerton ferry without him. I wanted to call him the moment I drove up onto dry land again. I wanted to tell him I’d been wrong—that I would take the job in New York and that I’d commit to whatever relationship he wanted. But I didn’t. I knew my fear was driving my heart.

Do not fear, for I am with you.
Those words offered me the only comfort I could find.

My regrets culminated as I parked the rental car in the driveway at home and looked at the house, knowing he was gone. It was raining and I had been feeling rather punk since the ferry ride. I’d thought maybe it was a bit of seasickness since the waters were choppy, but now that I was home I felt even worse. A chill rushed through me, leaving me longing for bed.

The house was empty when I went inside. I guessed that Dad and Judith had taken Geena and Piper out for supper. My watch showed that it was a little after six thirty. My throat was scratchy and I was still nauseated. Maybe some tea would help.

I went to the cupboard to look for an herbal decaffeinated blend. I didn’t want anything to keep me awake all night. It was going to be hard enough to think of Mark being gone and of my family heading back to Boston. Maybe staying on wasn’t a good idea. After all, I hadn’t really approached Geena about how long she could remain. She might have already decided to head back with the others. Then too, I wanted to have some time with Dinah—some intense therapy regarding all that I’d learned. I wanted to tell her about Mark and my commitment to God, and I wanted to know how she felt about a Christian point of view.

I gave up my search for tea and popped some cold tabs instead. My head was swimming and I decided to head for bed, my exhaustion quickly catching up with me. I crawled into bed and let my body slide down the pile of pillows. It was almost like being in a warm embrace. I thought of Mark and hoped he wasn’t feeling as bad as I was.

I closed my eyes and wondered when we might see each other again. Could I wait until the regular monthly editorial meeting? My eyes blurred and I closed them. A veil of mist fell over my conscious mind.

———

“Be very quiet, Bailee. You have to stay here and be very quiet so they don’t find you or the baby. Everything will be all right.” She handed me my doll.

I looked up at my mother, not quite trusting her. I was afraid. She’d placed me inside an old box, and I was sure I’d seen some bugs in the bottom. Momma pressed me down with one hand while closing the box over me with the other.

“Stop whimpering, Bailee. They’ll hear you.”

I was so scared. I clutched my dolly close and fought back tears. I had to be quiet or the bad men would find me.

There was the tiniest hole where someone had damaged the box. I moved to the glimmer of light and pressed my eye against it. I could see Momma move to the far side of the room. She picked up my sleeping brother and put him in some kind of sack or maybe a bag. Next she put that on the floor and piled blankets around and over him. She turned to go, but paused at the door.

“Don’t make a sound,” she whispered. “I’ll come back for you.”

It seemed like hours before she did, however. I was cold and ached from sitting cramped up in the box. I had tried to get out at one point, but something heavy had been placed on top and the cardboard refused to give way.

Momma opened the box and held out her hands for me. “We’re safe now.”

I looked at her. “Were there bad men, Momma?”

“Yes,” she said very seriously. “They wanted to take you away, but they couldn’t find you.”

I held my doll tight. “And brudder?”

“Your brother is safe too. Go get him. He’s over there in the blankets.”

I hurried to where I’d seen her leave him earlier. I pushed back one heavy blanket after another, but I couldn’t find him. “Where? Where’s brudder?”

My mother was there beside me. She pointed out the black bag. The black plastic trash bag at the bottom of the pile. “He’s right here.” She acted so casual about the whole thing. She opened the bag and drew out the still baby.

Noah didn’t move or cry. Momma cradled him in her arms and smiled. “Now we can go back in the house. And remember, Bailee. Don’t say a word to your daddy. If you tell him about hiding here, the bad men might hear.”

I followed her—my bare feet cold from the chilled, damp ground. The threat of being stolen from my home was never far from my mind.

We went into the house and down a long narrow hall. Momma opened a door. It was our room. Mine and the baby’s. She placed Noah in the crib and fixed me with a stern expression.

“It’s your job to watch him while I go fix us some lunch. This is your responsibility, Bailee. Your job. Keep your brother safe.”

I nodded, nearly dancing from the need to go relieve myself. “I have to go potty.”

“Hurry up. You can’t watch him if you’re not here.” She left then and I hurried down the hall. My half-frozen feet tingled as they hit the cold of the tiled bathroom floor. I struggled with my pants and barely climbed onto the stool in time.

By the time I finished and climbed my little stepstool to wash my hands, I could hear that my father was home.

“Daddy!” I squealed in delight as I ran down the hallway. He lifted me in the air and twirled me in a circle. It was always a treat to have him home.

“Bailee, you’re supposed to be watching the baby.”

“He sleepin’,” I told my father.

“Let’s go see.” Daddy tousled my hair and carried me to our room. “Ah, there he is,” Daddy whispered.

“He sleepin’,” I repeated.

Daddy put me down and went to the crib. “He sure is.” My father reached out a finger to touch Noah’s cheek. He pulled back his hand and looked oddly at the baby. He flicked on the lamp beside the bed and gave Noah a shake.

“Natalie! Natalie! Come quickly. It’s the baby—he’s not breathing.”

My mother rushed into the room, her face pale. “What are you saying?”

Dad had picked up Noah by this time. He was shouting at my mother to call the police—to call for help. My mother began screaming. She tried to rip my brother out of my father’s arms.

“Go call them, Natalie. Hurry.”

Daddy began blowing into Noah’s mouth. I backed into the corner of my room and put my thumb in my mouth. So many people came and there was so much noise. My mother cried and screamed at everyone. My brother kept sleeping, but somehow I knew this wasn’t right. Still I sat in the corner and rocked back and forth.

At one point my mother caught sight of me. She came to where I sat and yanked me up from the floor. “What have you done? This is your fault. Your fault!”

“No! No! I did good. I did good. I was quiet. I didn’t make noise. The bad men didn’t take me.” I was rambling and crying as she shook me.

A uniformed police officer came to my mother and took me out of her grasp. “Mrs. Cooper, I know this has been a terrible shock, but it’s not going to help for you to shake your daughter. The baby died from SIDS.”