Hetty Feather (9 page)

'I'm not taking you back to the circus.'

'Then I will go by myself.'

'If you try to do that you will get lost. You are
too little to find the way. It will kill Mother if she
loses another child. And Father will most likely kill
you
if he finds you – and me, into the bargain. Now
lie down properly and go back to sleep like a good
little girl.'

He forced me down on my pillow but I couldn't
sleep, though I tried hard to seek refuge in my
dreams. Eventually I heard Father getting up for
work. I slid out of bed quickly and caught him as he
went down the stairs.

'Why are you up so early, little minx?' he asked.

'I couldn't sleep, Father,' I said.

'I'm not surprised. I dare say this whole circus
escapade was all down to you, Hetty. You have a
knack for leading the others astray. Jem's a sensible
lad but he's soft as butter where you're concerned.'
Father shook his head at me. 'I don't know what
to do with you, child. Perhaps it's just as well you
won't be with us much longer.'

I felt as if Father's huge fist had punched me
straight in the stomach.

'Yes, well might you hang your head,' he said.
'That little lad in my bed was a hair's breadth from
death when we found him. He's still icy cold for all
he's swaddled in shawls like a newborn babe.'

I dodged round Father and ran into his bedroom.
Mother was lying in bed, propped up on one elbow,
crooning a lullaby. Gideon was in a little huddle
beside her. I edged towards him, expecting to see
a little Jack Frost brother, hair hoary white, icicles
hanging from his nose and chin. But Gideon looked
almost his usual self, though he was very pale.

I climbed up into bed beside him. Mother put her
finger to her lips, frowning at me. She clearly wanted
Gideon to sleep – but his dark eyes were wide open.

'Hello, dear Gideon,' I whispered. 'Are you
better now?'

Gideon didn't seem able to tell me. His mouth
opened and moved but no sound came out.

'I can't hear you,' I said, nuzzling closer, so that
my ear was inches from his face.

'Hetty, Hetty, don't squash him! Go back to your
own bed,' said Mother.

'But I—'

'I! I! Can't you think of anyone else but yourself,
child?' said Mother sharply.

Gideon whimpered at her tone.

Mother glared at me. 'See, you're upsetting your
brother. Go
away
!'

All right, I thought. I
will
go away. You don't want
me. Father doesn't want me. Even Jem has had
enough of me. You're all sending me to the hospital
soon anyway. So I'll go away now and save you
the trouble.

I stomped out of Mother's bedroom and then
crouched at the top of the stairs, tucking my knees
up under my nightgown and rubbing my cold feet.
I longed for a warm jacket and my boots, but they
were in my bedroom and I knew Jem would be
suspicious if he saw me putting them on. I took
Gideon's boots instead, lying on the landing, still
caked with mud and grass from his trek into the
forest. They were too big for me but it couldn't be
helped. I had difficulty with the laces. I was used
to Jem helping me tie neat bows, but I turned and
twisted them until they held fast.

I waited, shivering, until I heard Father shut the
front door on his way to the farm. I couldn't count
beyond ten but I had some idea of time and waited
several minutes until I judged it safe. Then I tiptoed
downstairs as best I could in my ill-fitting boots. I
grabbed a hunk of bread from the larder, and wound
an old sack about my shoulders in lieu of a coat. I
could not yet write, apart from my name, so I did
not leave them a note. I felt a pang for not saying
goodbye to Jem, but it couldn't be helped.

I went out the front door, and marched off to join the circus
and my true mother.

Oh dear, I am shaking now as I write this. I did
not get lost. I was only five then, but I was a very
determined child. I hurried through the village,
glad that most folk were still in their beds because
I looked a queer sight in my sacking and borrowed
boots. I could not wait for my own dear mother,
Madame Adeline, to clothe me in some beautiful
pink outfit so that I looked like a little fairy.

I found exactly the right hole in the hedge to
scrabble through to get into the fields. I ran across
one, the dewy grass soaking the hem of my night-
gown. I stumbled several times, my boots rubbing
my bare feet raw, but I was sure I would soon be
shod in pink satin slippers. I reached the edge of the
field. I fought my way through the second hedge.

There I was, in the circus field – but
where
was the circus?
I opened my eyes wide, staring all
around. Where was the big tent, the wagons, the
horses, Elijah the elephant? Where, oh, where was
Madame Adeline?

Had I come to the wrong field after all? Was
it on through another hedge? Yes, I had simply
miscalculated. But as I wearily started crossing
the empty field, I saw the huge circle of crushed
grass, scatterings of sawdust, the print of wagon
wheels in the earth. Rubbish blew in the wind like
gaudy flowers – all that was left of Tanglefield's
Travelling Circus.

I had found my true mother – and lost
her again.

I trudged all the way back home again. What else
could I do? I didn't know when the circus had
gone. If they'd packed up and travelled all night
after the show, they could now be many miles north,
south, east or west. And I was too small and scared
to run any further. I was freezing cold in spite of
my sack, my nightgown was soaked through and
stained all over with mud where I'd stumbled, and
Gideon's boots seemed intent on paring every inch
of flesh from my feet.

I trailed all the way back to the cottage, and as
I hobbled homewards I did think with satisfaction
that they'd maybe make a fuss of me now. I must
have been missing for hours. I thought of the to-do
when Father returned with Gideon in his arms. I
hoped for just such rejoicing when I limped through
the front door. Mother would cast Gideon aside
and swoop me up into her arms, Nat would clap
his hands, Rosie and Eliza would kiss my pinched
cheeks, and Jem . . .

I gave a genuine little groan as I thought of dear
Jem. How could I have left him without saying a
single word of farewell? He would be heartbroken.
He might be running crazily round the village this
very minute calling for me, striding through the
woods, wading through mud and mire, calling my
name until his voice cracked. I could picture him so
vividly . . .

But I cannot always picture the banal truth.
Jem wasn't out searching for me frantically. Jem
was fast asleep in his bed, not having missed me
for one moment.
None
of the family were aware
that I had run away to join the circus. They
were all still in their beds, snoring. Even baby Eliza
was fast asleep in her cot, though it was past her
feeding time.

I thought I'd changed the world but no one
had noticed. I got into trouble with Mother later
because of the state of my nightgown, but she was
too distracted with Gideon to concentrate on giving
me a paddling.

Gideon did not get properly better. He warmed
up, he ate and drank, he walked around in his
uncomfortable boots, he did his few chores – but
he seemed like a ghost child now. He was more
nervous and timid than ever. If I jumped out at
him and went
'Booo!'
he would cower away from
me and cry, even though he could see it was
only me. He could still laugh, just about, though
I laboured long and hard at this. I pulled faces,
I tickled him, I said silly rude things, I stood on
my hands and waved my legs in the air so he
could see my drawers – and yes, Gideon's nose
might wrinkle, his mouth twitch into a tiny smile.
But he didn't talk any more. He'd always been a
quiet child – well,
any
child living with me would
seem silent by comparison – but now he didn't talk
at
all.

Mother coaxed him, Father badgered him,
the big girls petted him, Nat and Jem tried tricking
him and I certainly plagued him, but he stayed
resolutely silent.

I could offer him some trinket that I knew he
really coveted, perhaps a glass bead as blue as the
sky. I'd put it on the table in front of him and say,
'Do you like this bead I found, Gideon?'

He'd nod.

'Would
you
like it?'

He'd nod more eagerly.

'Well, all you have to do is say, "Please may I have
the bead, Hetty?" and it is yours.'

Gideon's head drooped.

'Come on, Gid, it's
easy.
You can say it, you know
you can. You don't even have to say please. "Can I
have the bead?" That's all you have to say.'

Gideon's head drooped further. I took hold of his
jaw and tried to make his lips mouth the words. No
sound came out, though tears started to roll down
his cheeks.

'Are you
hurting
Gideon, Hetty?' said Mother,
bustling into the room.

'No, no, Mother, I'm simply encouraging him to
speak,' I said.

Mother paused, diverted by my quaint speech.
'You're a caution, Hetty. I've never known a child
like you. I don't know what's to become of you –
or Gideon either.' She suddenly sank to her knees
and opened her arms wide, hugging both of us to
her bosom.

I cuddled up close to Mother. She might not have
the starry glamour of Madame Adeline, she might
be rough with her tongue, she might paddle me hard
for my naughtiness, but she was the only mother I'd
known and I still loved her dearly.

'Don't send us to the hospital, Mother!'
I begged.

She started, as if I'd read her mind. 'I wish I could
keep you, Hetty,' she said, looking straight into my
eyes. 'I can't bear to let you go – and it breaks my
heart to think of little Gideon there, especially not
when . . . when he's not quite himself.'

I wriggled guiltily.

'You will look after your brother when you're at
the hospital, Hetty?' Mother said earnestly. 'He can't
really look after himself. He'll need you to speak up
for him. Will you promise you'll do that, dear?'

'I promise,' I said, though I was shivering so I
could hardly speak.

'It's not as if
all
the children will be strangers,'
said Mother, perhaps trying to convince herself
as well as Gideon and me. 'Saul will be there, and
dear little Martha. They will look out for both
of you.'

I didn't have Mother's faith in my sister and
brother. Besides, the only brother I wanted looking
out for me was my own dear Jem.

I started following him like a little shadow,
tucking my arm in his, huddling close to him at the
table, sitting on his lap. He was so patient with me,
playing endless games of picturing: we were pirates,
we were polar bears, we were soldiers, we were
water babies, we were explorers in Africa – and the
simplest and most favourite game of all, we were
Hetty and Jem grown up and living together in our
own real house, happily ever after.

I was used to dear Jem indulging me, but Gideon
was the family favourite. They treated him now like
a very special frail baby, dandling him on their knees
and ruffling his dark locks. Even Father stopped
trying to turn him into a little man. He hoisted
him onto his huge shoulders and ran around with
him, pretending to be one of his own shire horses.
Gideon squealed in fear and joy, though he still
didn't speak.

But suddenly I seemed to be the pet of the family
too. Father took me out in the fields with him and
held me tight while I rode on the shire's back. The
horse was too big to be a comfortable ride and was
a simple Goliath plodder compared to Madame
Adeline's elegant performing pirate horse – but
even so I kicked my heels and held my arms out,
pretending I was dressed in pink spangles in the
circus ring.

Nat had started whittling simple toys from
pieces of wood. He fashioned me a horse and Gideon
an elephant. To be truthful, the only way we could
distinguish them was by size, but it was kind of my
big brother all the same.

Rosie and Eliza were surprisingly sweet to me
too, letting me play grown-up ladies in their best
dresses, even tying my hair up high and fastening it
with pins. We played we were three big girls together
and they sprayed me with their precious lavender
perfume and told me special big-girl secrets.

Even little Eliza seemed extra fond of me and
smiled and waved her tiny fists in glee whenever I
picked her up.

'You're like a real little mother, Hetty,' said
Mother, sounding truly proud.

I basked in all this praise and attention. For
a child considered ultra-sharp, my wits weren't
working at all. It wasn't till the last night that it
actually dawned on me. Rosie and Eliza sang baby
songs to Gideon and gave us great kisses all over
our cheeks until even my pale brother turned
rosy as an apple. Nat gave us a bear hug. Father
sat us both on his big knees and jiggled us up and
down, playing,
This is the way the ladies ride.
Mother made us each a cup of cocoa brimming with
cream, a rare treat. Just two cups, one for Gideon
and one for me. I looked over at Jem. I knew he
loved cream too.

'Can't Jem have cocoa too, Mother?' I asked.

'No, dear, it's just for you two little ones,' said
Mother. 'Now drink it all up like a good girl before I
get you both ready for bed.'

I went to sit beside Jem, who had been very quiet
all evening. 'Take a sip, Jem,' I whispered.

Jem shook his head quietly. He kept his head
bent but I saw he had tears in his eyes. My stomach
squeezed tight. Why was Jem so sad?

I saw Mother boiling up a great pan of water
on the stove: hot washing water, though it wasn't
bath night. Then at last it dawned on me. She
was going to take Gideon and me to the hospital
tomorrow
!

I'd known for years that I had to go back to the
Foundling Hospital. For the past few months folk
had referred to it openly and often – I had myself.
But it had still seemed distant, long in the future,
not anything to worry about right this minute. But
now suddenly it had sprung upon me. This was
it
–
my last night in the cottage.

The sweet cocoa soured in my mouth. I crept so
near Jem I was practically in his lap. He saw I'd
realized, and put a finger to his lips, nodding at
Gideon. My little brother was smiling as he sipped
his cocoa. Mother pulled off his shirt and said, 'Skin
a rabbit,' and Gideon made a bunny face, twitching
his nose. He was almost his old self again, though
he still wasn't talking. I knew if I cried out that we
were going to the hospital the very next day, Gideon
would be frightened into fits. So I closed my mouth,
pressing my hands over my lips to make certain I
would not talk.

Jem hugged me tight. 'What a dear brave girl you
are, Hetty,' he whispered in my ear.

I didn't want to be brave. I wanted to scream and
make a huge despairing fuss, but I could see that
would spoil everything for Gideon – and for me too.
So I held my tongue and choked down my cocoa,
though I couldn't stop my tears brimming as I gazed
around the little room that had been my home for
the last five years. I could not bear to think I would
never see it again. I could not bear to think I would
not see Mother, Father and my brothers and sisters,
my family. I especially could not bear to think I
would never see my dear Jem again.

The tears rolled down my face and I hid my head
in my hands.

'Look at Hetty, she's tired herself out!'
said Eliza.

'A quick bath in the tub and then you'll be tucked
up in bed, Hetty dear,' said Rosie.

I let my sisters undress me and lift me up into
the soapy water. Mother washed me all over
and rubbed the soapsuds into my hair so hard I
thought the red might run away with the water.
Then I was towelled vigorously, a nightgown
thrust over my head, and I was carried upstairs. I
kept my eyes closed all the time, even when everyone
gave me a goodnight kiss. I was tucked up beside
Gideon, who was already genuinely asleep. I lay
there, waiting.

Then Jem crept upstairs. He got into bed beside
me and put his arms around me. I buried my head
in his chest and wept.

'There, Hetty. There, there, dear Hetty,' he
murmured.

'I don't want to go!' I sobbed. 'I shall run away.
Yes, I shall run away right now.'

'Where will you run to, Hetty?'

'I shall find the circus. I shall live with Madame
Adeline,' I said. 'Perhaps she really is my mother.'

'How will you find the circus? It could be right up
in Scotland or way down in Cornwall. The circus is
gone,
Hetty.'

'I'll still run away,' I said.

'But what will you eat? Where will you live? Who
will look after you?'

'I will eat berries and nuts, and I will sleep curled
up in trees and haystacks and barns.' I paused, trying
to work it out in my head. 'And – and if you will run
away too, Jem, then
you
can look after me.'

'Oh, Hetty. I wish I could. I've tried to plot it out.
I could maybe get farm work far away where they
don't know me – though I'm not really big or strong
enough yet. And you can't work for years and years,
Hetty.'

'You could do the work for me.'

'Yes, but they wouldn't let you tag along too. They
would say you needed to be cared for. They would
seize you and put you in the workhouse, and that
would be much worse than the hospital. So don't
you see, Hetty, we
can't
run away, though I wish we
could with all my heart.'

'Oh, Jem, please please please don't let them take
me away,' I wept, past reasoning.

He held me close and murmured stories in my ear
about my time at the hospital. 'Everyone will like
you – how could they not? – and you will make good
friends there. You will learn lots at school and the
years will go by in a blink, and
then,
when you are
all grown up, I will come and find you, remember?'

'We will truly have our own house?' I snuffled.

'Yes, our own dear house, and we will live there
together. And when I am an old old man with a grey
beard and you are an old old lady, hopefully
not
with
a beard—'

I giggled in spite of everything.

'Then we will scarcely remember we were ever
separated. I promise we will be together and live
happily ever after, just like the fairy tales.'

He told me this over and over until I went to sleep
in a soggy little heap on his chest – and whenever I
woke in the night he whispered it all over again.

Then suddenly Mother was shaking me, easing
me out of bed. I clung frantically to Jem.

'There now, Hetty,' he said. 'Let me dress her,
Mother. You go and get Gideon ready.'

Jem did his best to dress me in my best clothes,
though I did not make it easy for him, keeping my
arms pinned to my sides and curling my feet so they
couldn't be stuffed into my boots.

'Stop being so difficult, Hetty dear,' he said
wearily. 'I will dress too and come with you as far as
I can. Try to be a big brave girl.'