Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes (13 page)

            “That would be great.”

            Meanwhile, Enchilada Johnson started shouting over the noise of the lawnmowers, getting on Ron’s case.  “We need you to double your efforts Ron!  We’re falling behind too quickly.  I don’t know how we’re going to catch up!”

            Colin Creepy shouted, “Yeah, and I don’t like to lose.”

            Ron’s brow was dripping with sweat and he already looked exhausted.  He glared at the wimp, Creepy, with a look of fury.  He was already giving everything he could, and really was doing as much as was humanly possible, having made several incredible saves.  Creepy, on the other, had done nothing to score any points for the Nerds, and barely seemed to understand how to use a slingshot.  Ron yelled, “Right!” and steeled himself to do even more when the game resumed.

            Meanwhile, the Popular Rich Kids were giving each other high fives.  Satan was the first to take his shirt off and was flexing and posing.  A few of the others soon followed. 

            Pat Butterball applied the Resounderous spell to his throat then said, “And here we go,” as the game resumed.  He immediately applied the Muffelous spell, made himself comfortable, and closed his eyes as though ready for a siesta. 

            Madman almost choked on the water he was drinking, but quickly recovered.  “I just thought I’d mention that time-outs don’t apply to drivers.  Drivers would have to be insane to stop cutting.  Unless they have some kind of mechanical failure, you want your driver out there cutting grass.  Basically, you stop, you lose.  The stats prove it.  Eleven outta the past twelve times, when the driver stops, whatever the reason, that team loses the match.”

            “The Nerd Whackers, Butz and Stevens, continue to edge the sidewalk, while the Nerd Slingshotters, Enchilada what’s her face, Ginny Cheesley, and Colin Creepy, continue to struggle.  Their latest inept attempts are thwarted by PRK goalie, Pimpleton.  They just don’t seem to have practiced coordinating their attacks.”

            At the other end of the field, especially loud banging could be heard as Ron’s garbage can lid was being pounded by shot after shot from the combined onslaught of Satan, Bobby, and Vader, as they began using steel shot instead of rubber balls.  Ron had even taken a shot that cracked one of his ribs, but continued to block every piece of steel hurled his way.  Several ricochets had even punched holes into the giant head.

            Madman continued, “It looks like the PKR slingshotters have doubled their assault on Cheesley.  Just look at the dents in his garbage can lid!  One can’t help but admire their ingenuity substituting steel shot for rubber balls.  It’s so obvious when they cheat, yet I’ve been watching Putter, and still haven’t seen him cheat, though undoubtedly he must be.  Well, maybe this will even things out.”

            “Maldoy and Putter are really going at it now.  They are neck and neck and kicking at each other and each other’s mowers as they circle round the field.”

            “Meanwhile, Seymour Butz and Tabithaa Stevens have moved on to the South side of the field and are competing with Shabby and Foil for trees, rocks, and shrubs to trim around.  Looks like they are quickly running out of places to trim.  But that’s to be expected when you have four Whackers on the field as good as these guys.”

            “And it’s another goal for the PKR team!  Satan gets credit for the score, Vader for the assist.”

Cheesley is totally spastic,

You’d better do something drastic,

Nothing is as well-known as,

Cheesley is a spaz.

            “Cheesley’s arguing with the field judge.  Bad move Cheesley!  And the ref, Ms. Smooch, gives him the yellow card!  Ouch!  He better watch himself now, the Nerd’s can’t afford to lose Cheesley, should he draw the red card.”

            “Now the ref is examining the PKR Slingshotters’ ammo bags.  Looks like their steel ammo is well hidden.  No penalty cards are issued.  And she blows the whistle, the game resumes.”

“Putter and Maldoy begin cutting small leftover patches here and there, as the assault on Cheesley begins afresh.  You know, I think he’s doing a heck of a job out there, Pat.”  Madman glanced at Butterball, who was snoring loudly.  He resumed, “The kid has a high percentage of shots blocked.  But when you have that many shots coming at you, a few are bound to get through.  And the PKR slingshotters, have almost 600 more shots taken than the Nerds slingshotters.”

            “The Whackers are done trimming, and have started to use their trimmers now on each other’s quibbage robes!  Butz and Foil are holding each other off, but Stevens is really doing a job on Shabby’s robe and now she’s using her trimmer on Shabby’s hoverboard!  I’ve never seen that before.”

            “On the North side of the field, Pimpleton just threw her garbage can lid at Enchilada what’s her face, bounced it off her forehead, BAM, and caught it again.  She’s down.  And Pimpleton didn’t miss a beat, blocking both shots from the other two Nerds.”

            “And Cheesley’s taking another pounding on the other end of the field.  The PRK team is using rubber ammo once again, but they’re slinging it at a furious rate.  It’s hitting Cheesley’s shield so rapidly it sounds like an automatic weapon.  Vader uses the force to throw the kitchen sink at Cheesley, who ducks, and it’s Satan with the score again!  And it’s 40 to zip, PRKs.  The Nerd’s call another timeout!  They need to apply some smelling salt to their captain.  Well be right back after this.”

Cheesley is a clumsy klutz,

who doesn’t have any guts.

No ifs, ands, ors, or buts,

Cheesley is a klutz.

            Madman applied the Muffelous spell to his throat, then woke up Butterball.  “Pat, what’s wrong with you?  It seems like you couldn’t care less about this match!”

    “Well, yeah, John.  It’s not really even a sport.  Grumblesnore’s just tricking these kids into cutting the lawn.”

            “What are you talking about!  You’re insane!  The next thing you’ll be telling me is that pro football is fixed.”

            Meanwhile, the unconscious Enchilada Johnson woke with a start when the smelling salt was applied under her nose, saying, “I want to ride the pony!”  Faco was circling them intentionally with his lawnmower, making it difficult to hear themselves over the noisy engine.  Harry continued to cut grass.  Then she saw the scoreboard and started loudly chewing Ron out, “Ron, you dufus!  We’re going to lose, and it’s all your fault!  If you don’t keep the rest of those teeth up, I’m going to train a goat to replace you!”

            Colin Creepy shouted, “Yeah, can’t you ….”

            Ron’s furiously started choking Creepy.  Butz and Stevens hauled him off.  Then they all took their positions as Creepy shouted a long string of obscenities at Ron that would have made a sailor blush. 

            Meanwhile, the Popular Rich Kids were drinking Buggerbeer and pouring it all over each other in celebration.  Satan was laughing like only the devil could.  Then they took their places on the field for the game to resume.

            “Welcome back,” said Madman, “What’s her face is back up, and appears to be able to continue.  She hasn’t done anything so far.  Maybe that blow to the head will improve her game.” 

            “I don’t know, it seems to me that Maldoy’s doing a much better job of cheating today than Putter.  But that’s the thing, we never actually see Putter cheat.  I mean, it looks to me like he’s playing fair, but I’m sure he must be tricking me.  I think Maldoy might get caught cheating one of these times, but no way is anyone going to catch Putter.”

            “The Whackers are going at it again, Butz on Foil, Stevens on Shabby.  Stevens is really doing a job of Shabby’s hoverboard.  I don’t know what’s holding that thing together still, with the weight of Shabby on top of it, you’d think it would have split by now.  Well, there you go!  Looks like Shabby’s done for today!”

            “Creepy just shot himself with his slingshot.  He’s dropped it.”

            “Butz and Stevens are double teaming Foil.  They’ve got the elastic of his underwear, and are giving him a painful looking wedgie.  OOOOF!  I wonder if they, yes, they make it an atomic one, as the elastic comes up and over Foil’s forehead.  Umph!”

            “Meanwhile Cheesley is under heavy fire again.  Let’s take another look at some of the acrobatic saves he’s made so far today.”  The big screen showed Ron hopping about like his pants were on fire, as he made numerous blocks in defense of his goal. 

            “Cheesley’s been amazing today, the Nerds are lucky that the score isn’t any worse.”

            “Maldoy and Putter are now circling the field, they’re rapidly mowing down the last patches of grass.”

            “And Bobby scores!  He lobbed that one over Cheesley, arcing it just out of his reach.  That’s a tough shot.  You don’t know how hard it is to have that kind of finesse with a slingshot.  Cheesley looks exhausted.  It’s fifty to nothing as we head into the homestretch of this match.”

Cheesley is a no-good fink,

in Quibbage games he really stinks,

That’s what PRKs all think,

Cheesley is a fink.

            “Putter and Maldoy are tied right now, and are circling the field.  They’re looking for the last bit of grass, – that last bit of elusive grass.  When they find it, the game is instantly over, not only that, but it looks like whoever gets there first is going to win this one.  It all comes down to who wants it more.”

            “Cheesley’s being pummeled again.”

            “Now, this is where Putter really excels, if I owned a Quibbage team, I would want Putter on my team.  Not only does he cheat the best, but he has really good vision when it comes to finding the Missed Spot.  How often do we get into these situations, almost every time, someone’s out there cutting a lawn, and BAM, they miss a spot.  Then they have to ride around searching for the Missed Spot.”

    “In the past, Maldoy’s tried to keep close tabs on Putter.  He tries to keep with him, and when Putter finds the Missed Spot, Maldoy tries to get there first.  Big mistake!  It’s cost the PRKs several matches.  It always amazes me how close these matches can be.”

    “Looks like Maldoy’s learned something though, this time, he’s circling around looking for it himself.  Who knows he may get lucky.”

    “Cheesley in the meanwhile has blocked everything the PRK guys have shot at him.”

            “Putter veers, he’s spotted it, the Missed Spot!  Maldoy, too!  He’s heading for it, too.  They’re coming for it from opposite sides of the field.  This is going to be close.”

            Hermione stood up and ran from her place in the stands.  She licked her finger to test the wind direction, then adjusted a porta-john two feet over.  She stood and held the door open.

            “They are going to get there at just about the same time!  I’ve never seen a match this close!  Either one of them could get it!”

            “BAMM! That was some collision.  Putter went flying one direction, Maldoy the other.  OUCH!  Putter landed head first on a rock.  Maldoy sailed headfirst into one of them, what do call ’em, portable crappers.”

            Hermione pulled the handle, flushing Faco’s head, causing it to abberate to the Hogwashes cesspool.

            Harry’s skull was badly fractured and he lay unconscious in a heap next to the rock he had landed on.

            “The field judge is going to have a tough time sorting this one out!  We’ll wait for her call.”

            All eyes watched the field, even the school nurse, Ms. Pomfrite, and the local paramedics crew from St. Mongo’s, there just in case of injury.  But, Ms. Smooch couldn’t push the two crumpled tractors apart.  Their metal had twisted upon each other, catching, keeping the vehicles locked together.  She called for Hasbeen to come pull them apart.  A moment later, the huge man had pulled the tractor wreck apart, revealing a tiny patch of uncut grass underneath.  Tabithaa Stevens casually whacked it with her trimmer, and the Nerds won 5 million to 50.  It had been the closest Quibbage match ever.

            Pat Butterball asked sarcastically, “Doesn’t the lawn look great?”

            Tabithaa Stevens was swept from the field on the shoulders of the celebrating Nerds.  Geek laughter reigned supreme that day.  And the Popular Rich Kids vowed revenge, no way were they going to be shown up by a bunch of wimpy losers and let them get away with it.

            Later that night, Gildersneeze Farthard and Hasbeen were casually walking the freshly mowed field, enjoying the smell of the cut grass, when they discovered Harry Putter.  Harry staggered to the porta-john where he vomited upon sight of the headless body of Faco Maldoy.