Halfway to Forever (26 page)

How would he survive without the melody of her laugh, the feel of her body against his? He forced the question from his mind. “Okay. Channel Eight it is.”

For the next two hours, they watched Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford fall in and out of love until finally, at the end, they went their separate ways. Through the last fifteen minutes, Jade
dabbed at an occasional tear and sniffled without being loud. When it was over, Tanner flicked off the television and turned down the light.

“See?” He twirled a lock of her hair between his fingers. “I told you it was sad.”

“It reminds me of us. Before we found each other again.”

Tanner thought about that, how empty life had been when they’d been tricked into going their separate ways. “Yeah.” He danced his fingers down the length of her arm. “But our story …” He stopped himself.

“Our story what?”

He wanted to say their story would have a happy ending, that there would be no final parting for the two of them … but there was no way he could finish that sentence. Not yet, anyway. Not while Jade was fighting for her life. “Nothing. Hey, what should we do tomorrow?”

Jade let the issue pass. Instead, she gazed up at him and traced his lips with a trembling finger. “Have I told you how much I love you, Tanner Eastman?”

Her question made his knees weak, and though he never would have dreamed it possible, the feelings he held for her were stronger than they’d been that summer in Kelso, the summer they first fell in love. Stronger than they’d ever been before. He kissed the tip of her finger. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“Yes, I do.” Her eyes glistened. “I never asked you to walk away from the office, but here you are. The past two weeks I’ve hardly thought about being sick.”

“Good.”

“Remember that night at church, when I told you I thought I might die before morning?”

A lump formed in Tanner’s stomach. “Too well.”

“I never feel like that anymore.” She laid her head on his chest
and sighed out loud, the same way she did when she eased herself into a hot bath. As though being beside him was the greatest feeling in the world. “It was my fault you kept your distance before. I should have told you how I felt.”

“I should have asked.”

“It’s over; we both learned something.” She took his hand and set it on her pregnant belly. “Can you believe she’ll be here in a week?”

The lump in Tanner’s gut twisted into a knot. “Thirty-two weeks. How early is that?”

She sat up a bit, staring at her swollen abdomen. “It’s early, but her lungs should be developed. It could take a month before she can go home, but maybe not. It depends on her weight.”

Tanner ran his hand over her stomach and hesitated. As he did, the baby pushed against his palm. “Ohhh. So you’re a fighter, little girl.” He grinned at Jade and pretended to whisper, “Just like her mother.”

A dreamy look filled Jade’s expression. “I feel like you’re closer to her lately.”

“Yeah—” Tanner moved his hand and the baby kicked him again—“Me, too.”

They watched the baby moving beneath her maternity shirt and laughed. “She’s rowdy tonight.”

Tanner’s heart was filled with awe. “It’s all so amazing. How could anyone question whether God created life?”

“Especially when you know what’s happening inside me, how a real person is being knit together. It’s the most beautiful miracle of all.”

Sorrow streaked the moment. “I wish I’d been there when Ty was born. All the time I missed … it still kills me.”

Jade shifted onto her side and wrapped her arms around Tanner’s waist. “You’ve more than made up for it.” She hesitated.
“If something happens to me, I know you’d be okay. The three of you.”

Tanner’s back stiffened. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m sorry.” Jade was quiet. “I just want you to know I trust you, Tanner. You’re a wonderful dad. With or without me.”

“You aren’t going anywhere. God and I already talked about it.”

“I know. But just if … if God takes me home, you and the kids will be fine. You’re wonderful with Ty and you’ll be amazing with our daughter.”

“Daughter …” Tanner let the word dangle in the air like a delicate wind chime. “Are we ever going to name her?”

“Last time we talked about it you wanted to wait. At least until we got this far.”

“That was before I left work.”

“True.” She gripped his shirt and clung to him tighter than before. “We weren’t talking about a lot of things back then.”

“Well … I think it’s time.” He brushed his thumb along the side of her arm. “What names do you like?”

“The same ones we talked about before, I guess. The names we would have called our last little girl.”

Tanner worked the muscles in his jaw. “How old would she be now?”

Jade did not hesitate. “Seven months.”

“You always know, don’t you?” A pang of guilt struck him and he paused a moment. “I miss her, too. I just … I don’t know. What am I supposed to say about her? ‘She would have been beautiful? Precious? She still lives in my heart? We’ll see her one day in heaven?’ Anything I say won’t bring her back.” He leaned to the side and met Jade’s eyes. “You know?”

“I know. But Tanner, do me a favor.” Her eyes traveled a path deep into his heart. “When you’re feeling those things, say them. It’s all right to talk about her.”

“Okay.” He looked into her soul. “You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think we should name her, before we name this little girl. So we’re not always talking about her like she was only an idea.”

Tears filled Jade’s eyes as a smile filled her face. “Okay.”

“So let’s name her.”

They thought for a moment and Jade wiped at a single tear. “I have an idea.” She tilted her head and her eyes grew cloudy, as though she was remembering something from a long time ago. “Back when I was a girl, after we left Virginia and I thought I’d never see you again, everything about my life was lonely. My mother was gone forever, Dad drank every night, and, well … You know the things he said to me when he was drunk. He forbade me to go out or have friends in, not that I would’ve brought anyone home.” She hesitated. “Know how I survived that time in my life?”

Tanner hadn’t heard this part of her story before. “How?”

“I had an imaginary friend.” Jade’s smile softened. “She would sit with me on the front porch and read with me in my bedroom. I could tell her my secrets and she would laugh at my silly stories. Best of all, she looked just like me.”

An understanding dawned in Tanner’s mind. “What was her name?”

Jade lowered her chin. “Jenna.”

“Jenna …” Tanner let the word play on his tongue for a moment. “I like it. So that’s what you want to name her?”

Jade nodded. “Jenna Eastman.”

“Our first daughter. The daughter who lives in heaven.”

Jade’s eyes grew wet again. “Let’s not tell anyone about her name. Let’s make it our secret, just the two of us.” Her words were slower, and Tanner knew she was getting tired.

He looked at her, curious. “Why?”

Jade lifted one shoulder. “I don’t know. That way, whenever we’re thinking about her or wondering how old she’d be, we can talk about it together. Alone. Besides, when you miscarry, most people don’t think of it as losing a child. We’re the only ones who miss her.”

Tanner’s heart swelled. How good God was to give him Jade, this woman who cared so deeply and loved him so much. “Okay. Jenna’s our secret.”

Jade tapped her fingers on her stomach. “I’m kinda tired. Can we talk about this one tomorrow?”

Tomorrow. A shadow fell over the moment. “You have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow, remember?”

Peace masked Jade’s face. Peace and acceptance. “Yes, to check the tumor growth.”

Tanner pictured Jade sliding slowly, steadily, through the MRI tube, motionless and pale under the fluorescent hospital lights, her pregnant belly protruding through the hospital sheets, a stark contrast of life in the shadows of death.

“I hate those tests.”

“It’ll be okay. The tumor hasn’t grown; I’d know if it had.” Jade’s face lit up. “Besides, if we use the waiting time to talk about names, I won’t be so nervous.”

“Okay.” He relaxed some. “Sounds like a plan.”

They were quiet a moment; then Jade leaned against him again. “Did you ever love someone so much it hurt?”

Tanner cradled her body against his and closed his eyes. Again he longed to stay that way, holding her, breathing the same air.

“Yes, Jade, I’ve loved someone that much … Every day; every hour. Every minute.”

J
ade and Tanner arrived at the hospital at nine the next morning and were ushered into a private waiting room. Everything about the place was familiar since the facility was adjacent to the children’s hospital where Jade had worked these past years.

The test was not particularly grueling—there were no strange liquids to drink or painful positions to maintain—but Jade felt as uneasy about it as Tanner.

Lying on a flat tray, being moved through the white cylinder one inch at a time and then back through it again set her nerves on edge. Only by praying constantly—for Tanner and Ty and their unborn daughter, for Matt and Hannah and Jenny, and anyone else that came to mind—was she able to keep her thoughts from the place where they were tempted to be.

On the fact that her brain was being examined by microscopic rays that would determine the course of her life. And even whether she would live at all.

Ty was staying at his friend’s house, which meant Jade and Tanner could spend most of the day at the hospital. In addition to the MRI, Jade was scheduled for an ultrasound and appointments with both Dr. Layton and her obstetrician. The team of doctors was working together to make sure the baby’s birth would come at a time when Jade’s brain tumor seemed stable.

The day was bound to wear on her, so Jade had allowed Tanner to bring the wheelchair. Before they left the car, they held hands and prayed about the hours ahead. Now that they were in the waiting room, Tanner eased her from the wheelchair onto a vinyl sofa next to him.

She eyed the chair and tried not to hate it. It represented such failure and desperation, such proof of her illness.
It’s temporary
, she told herself. Then she turned to Tanner. “Okay, I guess it’s time.”

“Time?” Tanner’s blank expression made her laugh.

She pointed to her belly. “Time to figure out a name for little Miss Eastman here.”

A knowing look filled Tanner’s eyes and he slipped his arm around her. “Oh, that. Right.”

For the next half hour they talked about a dozen different names, but finally they settled on Madison. Jade remembered that she had jokingly promised to name her daughter after Brandy Almond, her teenage patient at the children’s hospital. But Brandy would understand. Besides, Madison was the name of Tanner’s grandmother, a woman who had been rock-solid in her faith and drove Tanner to church long after his own parents stopped attending. Years after her death, her favorite Scriptures played in Tanner’s mind and often helped shape the strength of his views.

“Besides that, she was beautiful.”

“Of course.” Jade smiled and traced her finger along Tanner’s cheekbone. “She was related to you, wasn’t she?”

“So, you like it?”

“I like it a lot. I only wish I’d known your grandmother.”

Tanner kissed the tip of her nose. “She would have loved you.”

Jade leaned her head back and stared at an aquarium in the corner of the waiting room. She pictured heaven and having the chance to meet the elderly Madison Eastman, and Jenna, and Hannah’s Tom and Alicia. Calm reigned in her soul, and her heart felt full to bursting. “Sometimes I can’t wait to get to heaven.” A smile played on her lips. “All of us and Jenna. Together forever …”

Concern flashed in Tanner’s eyes. “Don’t say that, Jade, please.”

“I’m not ready to go today.” She eased his face nearer and kissed his cheek. “Sorry.”

She could feel the muscles in Tanner’s arms relax. “It’ll be great—in another sixty years or so.”

Jade smiled. “Madison what? What’s her middle name?”

“Well …” Tanner’s eyes twinkled. “Let’s make her middle name after this woman I know who loves God and would go any distance to take a stand for her beliefs. If I could only remember her name …” He stroked his chin and stared at the ceiling as though he were trying to conjure up the woman’s memory. “Hmmm. She’s gorgeous beyond words, dark hair and eyes as green as Chesapeake Bay …”

Jade rolled her eyes and giggled. “Gorgeous?”

A mock indignation filled Tanner’s expression and he flashed her a sharp look. “Absolutely!” He returned his gaze to the ceiling and then suddenly snapped his fingers and stared at her. “I remember, now. Jade. Her name is Jade Eastman.”

She laughed harder. “You’re crazy.”

Tanner pointed at himself and mouthed the word, “Me?”

“Yes, you.” Her laughter faded. “Come on, Tanner. I’m serious. She needs a middle name.”

“I
am
serious.” He took her hands in his and studied her eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was softer, more serious. “Madison Jade Eastman. I love it.”

Lately it seemed Jade was constantly discovering new depths to the love she and Tanner had for each other. This was one of those times. “You really mean it?”

“Yes.” He leaned in and kissed her lips, in a way that took her breath. He drew back only an inch or so, his whispered voice racked with sincerity. “Please.”

Jade blinked back tears, and a sound that was more laugh than sob came from her throat. Tanner was right. The names
sounded beautiful together. And there was something neither of them was saying. Jade’s name would live on, even if somehow the cancer …

She squeezed her eyes shut and let her head drop for a moment. She wouldn’t think that way, not now. Not when their baby was about to be born. She had to believe there was life ahead for them. For both of them. When she looked up, she found Tanner’s eyes again and smiled. “I like it.”

He kissed her, and his face lit up. “It’s perfect.”

They were talking about nicknames for Madison when the technician entered the room and motioned for them to follow. As Tanner was helping her into the wheelchair, Jade had an idea.