Finding My Thunder (10 page)

“Don’t
go.”

He
held my hand on his leg and looked at me. “Men go to war, Hilly. Even the two
biggest assholes in the world went to war.” He had to mean Lonnie and Paul. “It’s
like I already told you, part of me feels like it’s my duty to go. I may be
wrong…I may regret it. I don’t even know if I agree or don’t. But this is my
country. And there’s a war. And I’m going. I’m not going to run away to someone
else’s country and lose my right to live here. I’m not going to hide out in
school or the reserves. I’m going to sign up and do my stint. I don’t relate to
those guys talking on the television. They’re college guys who like to stir
shit. I get the guy who does his duty…who doesn’t talk it to death…who just
does it. That’s me.”

We
stared at each other. I swallowed hard. I was breathing like I’d run a mile or
something. I’d said I loved him. “What…do you want me to do?”

“I
can’t ask you to wait,” he said, but it seemed like that’s exactly what he was
asking.

I
moved closer still. I touched the hair over his ear, the longing just this
simple act inspired took my breath. “Last night you told me you didn’t want to
know but…I always have. I’ve always
waited
.”

“Hilly,”
he whispered his thumb grazing my cheek. “I told you I don’t have any right….”

“You’re
all I want.”

“Look
what happened today. We do this, we can’t let anyone know. Not until I’m back.
Then we tell the whole world to fuck themselves.”

“I
don’t care about the whole world.” I only cared about him.

He
pulled me against himself and kissed my forehead, my nose and finally my mouth
and this hot rush filled my ears.

He
was so tender. Then he said my name, “Hilly.” And the beautiful timbre of his
voice wrapped around those five letters and seeped into me like music.

I
had my eyes closed and felt this soft surrender in myself, open for whatever he
wanted, whatever he needed. He crushed me against him and my mouth met his and
he kissed me and kissed me. And wonderful as that was…it was what he whispered
as his lips moved over my face and down my neck in a crushed voice, a broken
voice, “I need you.”

I
was completely his.

Finding My Thunder 14

On
the way home from the cemetery, Danny said his mom wanted him to make a trip to
the boy’s farm the next day. They had too many children for her to get away, so
it fell to him to build the bridge between home and Sukey. It was one hundred
and twenty miles away. This Saturday was the first time Sukey could have
visitors since being admitted. He was having trouble adjusting and made quick
and desperate phone calls home every chance he got. So any money they could
send went for that and there was no stopping him apparently and he had begged Danny
to come, threatening to run away if he didn’t.

So
by the time we reached our street, Danny asked me if I would go with him. I was
trying not to fall asleep, leaning against him holding tightly to his arm.

I
felt pretty exhausted. I had only buried Mama and gotten drunk twice and high
too in the space of not even two days.

Not
to mention declaring my love for Danny and him pretty much doing the same.

I
could barely wrap my mind around a journey but wherever he went in this time we
had I wanted to go too. So I told him yes.

He
had pulled to the alley behind my house which pretty much put us in Naomi’s
yard. He wanted to ask her permission for me to go with him otherwise, he said
it would be kidnapping. Her car was there.

“She’s
never going to go along,” I told him, much as I wanted to leave this town in
the rearview as I sat beside him.

“I’m
pretty good with parents,” he said getting out and holding the door for me.

“How
do I look?” I said knowing I was a sight after rolling around that graveyard
and getting high.

He
looked me up and down and nodded. He didn’t say but I knew.

So
I led him onto the porch and into the kitchen. She was in the front room
talking on the telephone. I pointed he should sit at the chrome table there and
I went to the bathroom and did some quick repair. Then I breezed into the
kitchen and went to the refrigerator for the jug of ice water. I was sick to my
stomach from all the illegal substance I’d taken in. I got out two jelly
glasses and filled one for Danny, one for me. I was just sitting across from
him when she got off the phone and called my name.

“It’s
me,” I said and in she came. She took in the two of us, and grinned big, but I
saw it in her eyes, the ‘look what we got now.’

“Hello
Danny,” she said.

He
rose up a little and said, “Miss Blue.”

“Now
you sit,” she said. She was in her black cotton print dress and her pink
scuffy
house shoes that she wore the minute she got in
here. I knew her feet hurt her all the time, corns, bunions and arthritis and
she walked about a hundred miles a day tending her flock and the goats and
wolves around them, too.

She
had a million questions for me. Yes I had been to work with Danny and no I
didn’t need a ride to the cemetery for I had just been. Danny had taken me. I
left out Robert and the toke and the Ripple, of course.

Well
she was concerned about me, I looked tired. Had I slept and why didn’t I sleep
here tonight? And I said I hoped to sleep in the house cause I didn’t have time
to tell her how Lonnie wanted me to move out and in with her permanent. I
didn’t even want to bring that up. I was too busy trying to get out of town
with Danny.

She
didn’t seem to know about the window, and that was good. If she went to town
she’d find out, or someone would bring it to her, the story. But right now she
hadn’t heard. So she was asking if I ate and I said I hadn’t and she said why
didn’t I go get some of that funeral food and bring it there?

And
I said, “Yes ma’am, that would be fine,” but I didn’t want to leave Danny
there. I asked him to help and he waved me off and said he needed to speak with
Naomi. I raised my brows and moved behind her where she sat and shook my head
at him to let him know I didn’t want him trying to talk to her without me. But
he wouldn’t budge off he just looked away and told her his mama was fine, cause
she had asked and he was using that to lead in to the rest cause he said,
that’s what he wanted to ask her about. His mama was worried about his brother Sukey.

Well
I was kind of stuck there, and Naomi turned in her chair and said, “Go on
then,” seeming just as eager to get rid of me as he was.

I
was against this and I glared at him before I went out just to let him know not
that he seemed to care. At all.

So
I went out and there was no good place to try and listen. I ran back to my
house and fed Sooner and got out the leftovers and took what I could put in one
of the boxes they’d used to bring them to us in the first place and I
practically ran that fried chicken and potato salad and
Jello
and ham and beans and greens and cornbread all the way back. I was out of
breath when I got there.

I
had interrupted something. She was leaned toward him and he was setting back
and you could cut the air with a machete or something it was that thick with
what went on.

I
put the box on the counter. He was looking down and she was looking at him. She
eased back some and her hands were folded on the table.

I
started to unpack the box and set the bowls on the table and he finally paid
attention to me but she was staring at her hands. Once I had the food out I got
plates and forks.

“There
is iced tea in the refrigerator,” she said and well I knew that from when I got
the water, but I fetched that now and set it amongst the food and got her a
glass and I sat.

“Let
us pray,” she said bowing her head. I figured we were in for a long one. “Thank
you for this food, Lord. Amen.”

I
wasn’t sure I heard right. I slowly lifted my head and looked at her. She was
still pretty much ignoring me, putting food on her plate, making sure everyone
got everything. I shot a look to Danny, raising my brows and making my eyes big
as I could.

“What?”
he said.

He
was not this dense. She did look at me then and I said, “Pass the ham.” But it
was right by me, but she didn’t argue. She picked up the plate and I took it
and pretty much set it back where it was. I took a slice but I didn’t want it. I
set it on my plate next to the bright green
Jello
that had celery in it. I couldn’t have imagined anything more revolting.

“Hilly,”
Naomi said, cutting her ham into triangles, “Danny here has asked me about the
trip tomorrow.”

My
fork had been on its way to my open mouth, but it kind of hung there now.

“I
have told him you may go.”

I
couldn’t believe it.

“He
knows you’re only fifteen,” she said and same time I whispered,
“Sixteen…almost.”

“…how
young you are,” she continued, “…and he understands I am in the role of
guardian until you are of age.”

I
had not heard it expressed so formerly before, but if I answered to anyone, it
was always her.

“He
assures me there will be no alcohol and he will drive the speed limit. He says
he is a good driver and after watching him on that bicycle for so many years I
can believe it,” she said smiling at him.

He
smiled back, then looked smugly at me.

“He
will treat you as a lady, of course. He has told me that he’s
fixin
’ to go in the army and he wants to get his brother on
a better track. So I will be in prayer and he is to get you home at a decent
time so you can get a good night’s rest for church on Sunday morning…which he
is coming to as well…and he is to bring a chaperone with you all on your
journey tomorrow…a little brother he said. And I will phone his mother this
evening and we will speak. And that is all.” She beamed at me.

I
already knew there were parts of this I didn’t like. It took me a few seconds
to identify them and make a list: little brother, Danny coming to church, Naomi
calling Danny’s mother.

“I
agree with Danny that a nice long drive into the country will be refreshing. I’ll
pack the rest of this food up and you all can have a nice lunch on the way.” She
did that big smile at me again.

So
it was that she and Danny talked all through the meal and he made her laugh and
I was pretty sure she was so taken with him she’d of gone to the boy’s farm
with us if he’d asked. Then I thought about it…about Eugene, and I knew Danny
stirred that wound in her. Oh, he’d be older now had he lived…but when he died
he was not much older than Danny. And Danny just got more beautiful and
overpowering in a small space like a house or a car, and in here he lit it up,
lit her up, and me…I hadn’t been the same since that one night I’d met him at
the streetlamp. That summer night I’d gone down there and they were telling
ghost stories and it was my turn and I told about the
hookman
and the other two kids told me to stop and Danny said, “No, let her tell it.” And
I did, and Sukey straddled his bike and he took off but I knew he was scared
and Danny got closer, sat on the ground by me, just me and him left, and he
wanted to know how that
hookman
lost his arm, and I
told him some big story and he studied it out, studied me and Mama came then, a
good night, a good summer, and her hair washed and I was proud and Danny said,
“That was a good story.”

And
he took off and Mama walked me home and she said, “Boys like that are nothing
but trouble. You stay away from him.”

And
I looked after Danny and him and Sukey circled around and came back by and Danny
popped a wheelie and Sukey did too but he fell over and cursed and got back on
and went after Danny and I felt that hot night air move with excitement.

Finding My Thunder 15

I
was barely up, running around after my shower, barely able to think of what to
wear when Danny pulled in front of the house and honked. My long skirt. It had
been Mama’s and I took it in to fit me. It had a cool blue geometric pattern. And
a sleeveless white blouse.

I
just left my hair down but I took a
rubberband
and my
leather thing with the stick that poked through it to hold my hair up if need
be. I took some cut-off shorts because who knows. I stuck a book in my back,
To
Kill a Mockingbird
cause it never got old and stuck my feet in my flip
flops.

When
Mama was in the hospital Danny had bought a big bag of dog food and it set on
the porch and I could feed Sooner out of that and it was so convenient I
thanked Danny every time I filled her bowl from it, which I did now. Then I
closed the door but I didn’t lock it. I never did. Lonnie hadn’t come home last
night. I tried to push it all out of my mind as I hurried to Danny’s car.

He
sat in front, so handsome it made the breath leave my throat. He wore jeans and
the white T-shirt with the V neck. It had a hole or two and I just loved it. And
behind, hanging over the front seat was a lighter little brother, our
chaperone.

“Hilly,
this is Dickens,” Danny said as I got in.

Dickens
was a little cutie. But he looked a little like a punk. He had long bangs that
swooped over one eye.

I’d
seen him before. Danny’s brothers lived in the street during the summer.

“Hey,”
I said.

He
sat back quick and flushed red.

“Can’t
you say hello?” Danny asked him as he started the car.

“Am
I allowed to?” he asked. I guessed they had words. I smiled at Dickens and he
turned away and looked out the window but he was smiling.

“Write
any good books lately?” I asked.

Danny
laughed.

“It’s
not that Dickens,”

“Hey,”
Danny said checking Dickens in the mirror because he’d spoken with a punkish
tone.

“My
name is Richard,” the boy said, “and my dad always wanted a Dick but
seein
’ he didn’t have one….”

“Okay,”
Danny said stern turning around and taking a swat at his brother.

Dickens
thought this was funny.

“Oh
so you’re a dick, yeah I get that,” I said.

“Hey,”
Dickens said to Danny, “you laugh at her,” cause Danny did laugh.

Danny
checked the mirror and pulled into the street. “My mom doesn’t curse. Ever. But
she always says she’s going to beat the dickens out of…whoever. Especially to
this one. So we call him Dickens….”

“Because
Dad’s the dick,” he said.

“Because
Paul and his whole generation don’t seem to realize no one wants to be named
Dick,” Danny said louder. “Now shut it.”

“I
don’t shut up, I throw up and if you don’t like it you can lick it up,” Dickens
said.

Danny
pulled quick to the curb and got out and yanked the back door open and grabbed
Dickens by the arm and pulled him out. “That’s it,” he said. “You’re not
goin
’.”

Dickens
fought against Danny and tried to get back in so they tussled and Danny easily
threw him away. Dickens landed on his butt and sprang back up and tried to get
around Danny again and get in the backseat. They yelled some, Dickens saying he
was going, and Danny saying he wasn’t and he needed to go home.

Dickens
appealed to me. “Tell him to let me go. Mom said.” All hints of trying to be a
punk were gone. He looked like any other eleven year old kid only desperate.

I
figured I best stay out of it. He was an annoying kid and being an only child I
wasn’t used to putting up with someone like him. I didn’t think I wanted to. No,
I knew I didn’t. But I did feel sorry for him.

“If
I told Mom what you said to Hilly she’d put soap in your mouth,” Danny said.

“I
wasn’t saying it to her. I said it about Dad,” Dickens yelled.

“Nope.
I ain’t
takin
’ some screaming baby. You get on home.”

Danny
got back in the car and Dickens was hanging on his door crying and angry. “Come
on, you said I could go. I want to go.”

Danny
started to pull away. Dickens wouldn’t let go. Danny pried his hands off and
sped away. Dickens took off running after us.

“Danny…,”
I said.

Danny
watched him in the mirror. “Just wait. I got it,” he said.

Danny
stopped at the corner and sat there until Dickens was close. I thought he was
going to pull away as soon as the boy reached us, but he didn’t. He waited
there and Dickens opened the backdoor and fell in. Danny was starting to move
forward when the kid slammed the door. He fell back onto the seat winded.

“Oh
you
comin
’ along?” Danny said. “I guess I don’t have
to tell you to behave.”

I
looked back and Dickens was panting but he nodded.

“That’s
good,” Danny said. Then he turned the radio on and The Beatles were singing, “We
Can Work It Out.”