Feeling This (9 page)

She still looks frightened which I don’t
want, but I’m not moving. Through my whole childhood I ate in this kitchen with
Maria and before her, Remy. If the kitchen was good enough for me back then,
it’s good enough for me now. She looks away and trudges to the stove to gather
whatever has now started to emit small puffs of smoke.

A newspaper is folded on the other side of
the table. I can see Susan’s smiling face plastered across the front.  I slowly
reach across to pick it up but before I can grasp it, my mom grabs the flimsy
paper and hugs it to her chest as if her life depends on it. She meets my eyes
with anger and turns chastising Maria, “Maria, I told you to tell Jordan we are
in the dining room.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I speak up firmly, “Mom, don’t give her a
hard time. She told me where you were, I chose to sit here.”

She straightens up and moves the paper
behind her body. “Well then Jordan, join us and have some coffee. Maria will
bring your meal in.”

Scooting further back in my chair, I rest
my arms on the edge of the table while crossing them in defiance, “No Mom, I
think I’ll have breakfast here.”

Then I scoot my chair back and make my way
to the coffee pot to pour a cup. She watches as if my actions are unheard of.
When
did she become such a snob?

As I settle back into my chair, Maria
places a plate in front of me. I glance up into her face, “Thank you Maria. I’m
starved and this looks wonderful.” She nods and backs away turning to clean up
the mess on the counters. My parents make their way into the kitchen a few
minutes later and sit across from me, both with stern expressions. The
newspaper has mysteriously disappeared.

My dad pipes up, “Jordan, how about a round
of golf today?”

Really? This is how it’s going to go? They
want to pretend like it never happened. Like Susan never existed. I shake my
head in response and concentrate on my food.

Next my mom speaks up apprehensively, “I
was thinking maybe we could go and talk to someone, a counselor to help you
through this.”

This deserves a response and not a good
one. I look up and meet her serious, unblinking gaze. “I think maybe I just
need some time.” My voice increases in volume as I glance between them, “For
God’s sake, she just died. I just lost her and you’re pretending like it didn’t
happen. Don’t act like everything is fine, because it’s not. Don’t tell me to
move on or that I need to talk to someone. Give me some time. ” My breathing
becomes strangled. “Susan was everything to me. I just need time.”

My mom winces with each word I bark. I
don’t have the energy to care at this point. I understand they are trying and
most of the time they mean well. I’m not in the mood for it. Coming here was a
good move on my part because I can’t go back home yet. I can’t face the
apartment right now that is full of so many memories.

***

After almost a month of drowning my sorrows,
my dad finds me sitting out by the cobblestoned pool deck. The air is warm and
dry. Probably a nice day for a swim, it just requires too much motivation and
energy, both of which I don’t have.

“Jordan, hey son.” He looks to my hand that
is grasping a small glass and to his watch. It is only eleven in the morning,
as good a moment as any to have a drink.

He gestures to the chair across the wooden
table from me. I nod and lift my glass to my lips. My eyes briefly spot the
clear blue sky beyond the wide brimmed umbrella blocking the bright sun.

“I think it might be time son. It’s been a
month. Maybe you should be getting back to the apartment.” He stumbles over his
words.

 “Jordan, I think you need to go back home
and start living again.”

Once he finishes, resentment settles in my
mind so I respond angrily, “Are you kicking me out?”

“No son, not really, you don’t really live
here. Remember, you have a home waiting for you to go and…take care of things.
You know you are always welcome here. I think the strain of all of this is
getting to your mom.”

I look at him incredulously and down the
last of my drink. The strain is getting to my mom.
Unbelievable
. I’m the
one who lost Susan and my mom is strained. I abruptly stand, knocking the chair
backwards. Not bothering to pick it up, I march up to the house, climbing the
stairs to the porch, making my way back into the house to gather my things. If
I’m not welcome here, I’ll find somewhere I am.

As I stomp my feet up the stairs, I
remember when I used to do the same thing as a little boy and Maria tried to
discipline me. I was rotten then and things haven’t really changed.

My mom is coming down the hall as I turn
into my room. Placing my bag on the bead, I load the small amount of my clothing
that I have here. She hovers in the doorway asking worriedly, “Jordan, what are
you doing?”

I look back at her, glaring but I don’t
respond. After a moment my eyes avert back to gathering my things. She
hurriedly asks, “Did your dad tell you to leave?”

She strolls in and grabs my arm gently
pleading, “Honey, you can stay as long as you want. I told your father you just
need time. He thinks you need to face things and move on. Jordan? He doesn’t know
what you need.”

I yank my arm out of her grasp and growl,
“I’ll be out in a few minutes. I don’t want to put any
strain
on you.”

She looks away appalled and calls out as
she leaves down the hall, “Don’t go, I’m going to get your father. You can stay
as long as you want.”  Her voice fades as she travels down the stairs.

A minute later the bag is on my shoulder
and I’m climbing down the steps two at a time. My parents cut me off as I’m
leaving out of the side door from the garage. Tears are streaming down my mom’s
cheeks as she pleads with me, “Jordan, please stay, your father didn’t mean
what he said. We both want whatever is best for you.”

I raise my eyes to meet my dad’s, he looks
to my mom and says simply, “See, it’s just too much.”

My mom turns to him and yells, “What did
you tell him? We can’t lose him. Tell him he can stay.”

At this point my irritation has subsided. I
realize now what my dad means. My sadness and mourning have taken her over and
it’s affecting their relationship. As much as I don’t want to face things, I
know deep down he’s right. It is still so new but I need to at least try. This
is not fair to them.

“Mom, it’s okay. I need to go. Don’t be mad
at him.”

Stepping forward I wrap my arms around her
from behind and kiss her cheek. She twists in my arms stepping out of my grasp,
“At least let us come with you. It’s going to be tough to go home. If we are
there with you it might be easier.”

I nod to acknowledge her, “I know mom, but
I need to do this alone.”

I shake my dad’s hand and turn to climb
into my car. As I maneuver the car down the long, winding drive to the gates, a
deep dread settles over me. I can’t let myself waste away anymore. I have to
face things. Everything in me wants to go back to that room I had as a child
and avoid my life but that’s not an option anymore.

Kimber

The lot is nearly empty as I pull in and
the rain has reduced to a steady trickle. No one is going to venture out on a
Monday night in this weather. My tips will surely suffer. After running across
the lot, umbrella in tow, I push open the wide wooden doors. The smoky air
surrounds me like a fly attracted to a bright lamp. I rub my nose uncomfortably,
noting that this is definitely one habit I will never take up.

Once behind the bar, Becca finds me to
announce her latest escapade. Apparently Tyler is out and Jacob is in. I called
it, one day was all it took. She turns on her heel when I don’t give her the
response she was hoping for. This girl changes men faster than she changes
underwear, there is no excitement for me in that. The intervention thing is out
the door, she would never listen to me. I, who haven’t even had sex in…I can’t
even remember at this point.

An hour passes without a grab at my ass or
a whisper in my ear and I feel like I’m having with-drawls. Maybe Derek is
really into my sister as he portrays. That prospect is one I don’t want to
dwell on.

Later into the night, I’m having a
conversation about the Dallas Cowboys with one of the regulars, who is
completely drunk, anything to make the night go by faster. A high pitched voice
calls down the bar, “Hey barmaid can’t a chick get a drink around here?”

I turn towards Heidi’s voice, surprised she
showed up.  I make my way down to her, placing a beer in front of her with an
encouraging smile, “Drink up.”

She grins taking a quick sip then glances
around, “This place is jammin huh?”

It’s so dead, I could probably go home and
let Derek close, however I can’t do that to him, I don’t want to. The scattered
tables have a few parties and the bar is filled with maybe six regulars and
Heidi. Worse than any night we’ve had in a long time.

She leans forward sneakily whispering,
“Let’s do a shot.”

I shake my head at her, “No Heidi, you can
have one but I can’t. Duck would have a fit.”

“Oh come on, Kimber, live a little. He’s
where, holed up in his office, right? He probably won’t even come out until
it’s time to leave.”

One of the regulars, Tommy, already pretty
plastered, leans over and exclaims, “I’ll buy you girls a shot.”

I sigh and put two shot glasses up dusted
with sugar and pour vodka evenly in each. Without a word I place a lemon in
Heidi’s open hand as she squeals with delight and calls out, “Lemon drop time.”

We each grab one grinning as she toasts,
“To Mr. Hottie for Kimber, wherever he may be.” At that we both down them and
slam the glasses on the bar.

Tommy claps his hands amused and calls out,
“Again girls, on me.”

I shake my head gathering the glasses to
wash them. Before I can take them any further, Derek comes up behind me
removing them from my hands and places them back up on the bar in front of
Heidi. He expertly sugars them and pours another for each of us. As he faces me
placing mine in my hand, he tells me, “I know things are tough right now, you
deserve this even if you have to be here at work to let go a little. I’ll take
the wrath if Duck comes out.”

Heidi calls out, “Cheers to that dude.” and
downs it.

I raise my hand to Derek saluting,
following Heidi. He pours another as I suck on the lemon. My eyes go up
surprised as he explains, “Just one more Kimber. It’s okay, you should go and
sit with Heidi. I’ll close tonight.”

I realize that the two I’ve already had are
starting to hit my empty stomach, I decide not to argue. It’s not every night
Heidi graces us with her presence. I make my way to Heidi’s side and lean
against the bar.

Tommy pipes in holding up his cigarette
burnt all the way down to his knuckles, “This is the highlight of the day, sexy
girls and shots, on me again.”

I look over to Derek and gesture with my
finger cutting across my neck, letting him know, Tommy’s cut off. He nods as I
lift the shot to match Heidi’s. As the glass touches my lips a voice questions behind
me, “Aren’t you going to wait for me?”

I lower the glass from my lips before the
vodka touches, surprised but also terrified. Heidi calls out smiling from ear
to ear never moving her gaze from mine, “Hey Derek, I think we might need
another. ‘Mr. Hottie’ just arrived.”

I turn swiftly and meet Andrew’s green gaze.
His full lips are turned up in a smirk highlighting his strong, chiseled jaw.
He leans in to grab the shot from Derek just brushing my shoulder. The close
proximity with his wonderful smell is going to make me fall on the floor. My
hand finds the back of a bar stool to steady myself. He holds his glass up
staring at me and declares, “To old friends.”

Heidi and I both salute and gulp our shot.
When I raise the lemon to my mouth he watches with heavy lidded eyes.
What the
hell?
He leans down while I suck on my lemon a little longer than necessary
and whispers in my ear, “You look really good Kimber.”