Authors: Maxime Valette
F My Life (7 page)
Today a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I asked her, “Oh, did you adopt him?” She walked past me and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML
Today I had a sexy dream, woke up, and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk, naked, to see my brother and his girlfriend lying in the bottom bunk, awake. FML
Today I went on a first date with an Egyptian-Cuban girl. I asked her what language she was brought up speaking. She said that her mom spoke to her in Spanish, but that she only ever replied in English. I said, “Oh, kinda like Chewbacca and Han Solo?” FML
Today I was driving and stopped behind another car. The driver didn’t move for at least a minute. I got out of my car, yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn’t breathing. FML
Today I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching Internet porn, I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML
Today I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. My boyfriend replied, “3-D glasses just work for the movie; everything else in the world is pretty much already 3-D.” FML
Today I spent almost my entire English class turned on, thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is, until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML
Today I noticed that a prospective employer I had been networking with had changed her last name on her email signature. I wished the acquaintance congratulations on her marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML
Today my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I had recorded of my sister’s college graduation. It turned out that I had never hit Record. FML
Today I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time, with my friend. Little did I know, the effect lasts for around six hours, and I had class at three, when I had to give a presentation in front of thirty people. FML
Today I asked my boss for a raise. He responded by saying, “Who the hell are you?” FML
Today I cut myself on a Band-Aid box, while trying to get a Band-Aid out for another cut. FML
Today I changed the C on my report card into a B so I wouldn’t get in trouble with my parents. I spent the entire day perfecting the B’s positioning, cutting exactly around the edges of the size ten font, and I sliced my finger in the process. I was grounded for getting a B. FML
Today, while alone in the communal showers in the high school football locker room, I jokingly started to swing my penis around. Two minutes later the rest of the team hopped into the shower. Thirty dudes, one self-induced boner. FML.
Today I told the man I’m sleeping with that I thought my sister was prettier than me. He replied, “Not significantly.” FML
Today I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed, I realized that there were two thongs there. I didn’t pick up hers. FML
Today my husband found the box my morning-after pill came in. He had a vasectomy ten years ago. FML
Today I was doing a PowerPoint presentation for the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation a window popped up notifying me of a new message. The subject line read: “RE: your job application for the post of Marketing Manager.” FML
Today my husband invited his new boss and the boss’s wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologized for its bad quality. Somewhat annoyed, I announced, “Don’t drink that. I’ll go and look for another bottle.” Our guests had brought the wine. FML
Today, in front of a hospital, I noticed that an old lady was having trouble lighting her cigarette because she had Parkinson’s disease. I helped her to light up, and she started chatting with me. She told me she had lung cancer. FML
Today I was on a transatlantic flight with earplugs in my ears. The steward walked past with a plastic bag. I threw my litter into it and didn’t immediately understand why he said, “Very funny, sir.” It wasn’t trash—he was collecting for UNICEF. FML
Today I went to fill up my car. Five hundred feet before the gas station, I saw a motorcycle gang in my rearview mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them pass. They were going to fill up, too. Thirty-five motorcycles and two gas pumps. FML
Today I was walking my son to school. After scolding him for not looking where he was going, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me … and I walked him right into a light pole. FML
Today I met a guy who said he thinks he’s in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I got home to find my sister crying, because someone had told her boyfriend that she’s cheating on him. FML
Today I went to my friend’s house to smoke weed while his parents were out. Forty-five minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they’d be home in five minutes. We decided to spray the house with Febreze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush. It was bug spray. FML
Today, on a crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were fewer people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. I was about to call my friends to tell them about him, when I realized that he had stolen my phone. FML
Today I was helping to supervise a five-year-old’s birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide-and-seek with the kids. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner, yelling, “Found you!” I scared him so much that he peed his pants in front of everyone. FML
Today I closed out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a shit. I took my computer with me to check my email. It took five minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML
Today at work I spent three minutes struggling to uncork a wine bottle for one of my tables, only to have the diners point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML
Today I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smartass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was. FML
Today I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It’s a well-known fact that I’m competitive and tend to hip-check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and Nana. I won. Nana has a broken hip. FML
Today I was a host during a kids’ event. I started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a low-cut top. Then I noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and the adults looked shocked. Both my boobs had popped out. FML
Today I was pulled over by a bike cop for speeding in a twenty-five-mile-per-hour zone. As the cop walked toward my car, I flicked my cigarette butt out of my window. He wrote me two tickets instead of one. FML
Today I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked, “What’s up, lovebirds?” They were in the middle of breaking up. FML
Today I drank a ton of beers for my twenty-fifth birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. Twenty-five is the age at which I’m no longer covered by my parents’ dental insurance. FML
Today I lost $200 playing poker while wearing my new shades. It turned out that you can see the cards in the reflection on the lenses. FML
Today I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help, I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, “I can’t find my caretaker.” I asked, “What does she look like?” FML
Today I went in for my second day at my new internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the voice mails I had left them on Saturday when I was drunk. FML
Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn’t a good parent. She replied, “Well, at least I had friends when I was your age.” FML
Today I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment, and I told her I didn’t have a condom. She responded by laughing in my face. When she noticed my look of confusion, she said, “Oh, you actually thought I’d have sex with you?” FML
Today I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney’s
Camp Rock
soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed Play, only to realize a minute later that my headphones weren’t plugged in all the way. Everyone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas’s voice. I am forty years old. FML
Today I saw my friend across campus. I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. It turned out that I scared a complete stranger who has really bad panic-induced asthma. FML.
Today I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face on my knee and breaking my nose. FML
Today I studied for thirteen and a half hours, completely outlining a book for history class. Thirty minutes before the test, I realized it was the wrong book. FML
Today my five-year-old nephew showed me green Martians he had made with his new Play-Doh set. I smiled and said, “Wow! Now, how about some blue Martians?” He looked at me and replied, “How about some blue shut the fuck up?” FML
Today I was secretly listening to a voice mail from my mom in math class, when I accidentally hit the speakerphone button. My whole math class now knows that I have a gynecologist appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML
Today I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across the street, the light turned green. At that point I noticed that my phone had fallen out of my pocket and had been run over by several cars. I then watched from across a six-lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today I got into a fight with one of my closest friends. She ended the conversation by saying, “My grandma just had a stroke. Bye.” I didn’t believe her, so I replied, “That’s great! Bye.” Her grandma is in critical condition. FML
Today in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat out from under me when I was about to sit down. I fell, and everybody laughed at me. During the next class I did the same thing to him, and he broke his arm. He is the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML
Today I drunk-dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she is no longer paying for college. FML
Today I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who, I had been told, was sick. I didn’t know what to get her, so I told them to just send her something nice. I got a call from my mom, who told me I was an inconsiderate bastard. The florist had sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimer’s disease. FML
Today I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend and me. I was in a rush, and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was my girlfriend’s father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I stuttered, “Don’t worry, I’m not using these with Kim.” That didn’t help. FML
Today I sent notes to three hundred friends saying that I’m having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked them to RSVP if they were interested in coming. Two people answered. They couldn’t make it. FML
Today I decided to try a new cardio workout video. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room, I heard something behind me. Three adolescent boys were outside my window, watching. FML
Today I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out “Having fun?” FML
Today I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted “I’m going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament” to my ex-fiancé instead of to my best friend, who had gotten a better grade on an exam than I did. I now have a court date. FML
Today I was in an elevator with my girlfriend, when it got stuck midfloor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we’d be okay. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. All over me. We were stuck for two hours. FML
Today my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, and she sucked up a bunch of embers, which set the vacuum cleaner on fire. After crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up, only to find that some embers she had dumped in a bucket had melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML
