Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (12 page)

You’ll want to choose your pediatrician before you bring your child home. You’ll find out that babies need to go to the doctor often — even more so if they’re going to be in group child care. Their immune systems are limited, and they can catch just about any germ that’s out there. Before this happens, take the time to select a doctor for your new baby. (Guess what? We get another fun list!) Here are a few of the criteria you can consider:

1. Does the doctor take your insurance?
   Or, if you have an HMO or PPO, is the doctor in your network? Incompatible insurance is obviously a deal-breaker in my mind. Bringing a baby to the doctor every couple of weeks is very expensive, and that’s what insurance is for. This is almost like when you were looking for a college; you started with, “Can I get in?”
   
2. Meet the pediatrician ahead of time.
   Good pediatricians set aside time to meet with parents-to-be. Many times the personality of the caregiver is the deal-maker or deal-breaker — how she acts, the way she handles your toughest questions — these are all intangibles that you have to sit through an appointment to really evaluate.
   
3. Hours of operation and answering service.
   Babies often wait until the middle of the night to have problems. They’re just testing your love. You’ll want to know whether your doctor’s office has an answering service that will call you back, no matter the hour. This can be pretty handy: the doctor on the other end of the line can guide you through that all-important decision, from “This is no big deal” to the other extreme, “Get to the nearest emergency room right away.
   
4. Check out the office.
   Make sure it’s somewhere you can see yourself bringing your child. Not every hotel has a five-star rating, after all.
   
5. How difficult is it to get an appointment?
   This is a simple exercise. Call in the morning, ask for an appointment, and see what they say. If the answer is “A week from Wednesday,” maybe this office has taken on too many patients. You can also ask how many patients the practice serves. More than thirty patients per doctor in a day gets into puppy-mill territory. Sometimes these busy offices will give you a recommendation. If you go to your first and second appointments and have to wait an hour past the scheduled time, that’s another sign that the practice is overstuffed with patients. Some offices have nurse practitioners, who are often easier to schedule with but lack the MD after their names. They can usually get the job done on day-to-day sniffles and fevers.
   
6. Check out the doctors in the practice.
   How long have they been in business? Did they get their medical degrees online or at a school you’ve actually heard of? You want a doctor who knows the most recent research and keeps up to date. As with your BMP’s obstetrician, most pediatricians practice in groups, and you won’t always be able to get in to see your primary caregiver. You’ll want to make sure the reserve players are as good as the all-star you picked out.
   

Just as there are some signs that you might have found a good pediatrician, there are several signs you may be on the wrong track. Just a few of the more obvious ones:

It’s common for both parents to work. So unless one of you is able to perform masterfully at your job while caring for a child at the same time, you’ll need to make arrangements for your baby’s care while you two parents earn a few dollars.

Many dads are not quite in touch with the reality that you need to do this well ahead of time. All of the quality day-care providers — and even some of the average day-care providers — in your area may have waiting lists. So you need to get out there and scout these places out. If you find one that meets or exceeds all of your requirements, you’ll find yourself doing everything within reason to secure your child’s spot at that location. You may even find yourself slipping the director of the facility a C-note to help things along. Oh, come on, just kidding (as far as you know).

As you and your BMP talk to enough parents about their day-care providers, you may begin to sense that most of them are making the best they can of this situation, and you’ll usually be correct. Any decent day care is very expensive, but when you go for an on-site visit, it may leave you underwhelmed, or simply whelmed. Many of the “teachers” may have trouble with grammar, selecting a flattering hairstyle, and remembering to brush their teeth on a regular basis. This is not the house of dreams you envisioned leaving your little angel at for long periods of time. So right off the bat, you’re attempting to reconcile the cost with the quality of the personnel.

It’s time for another one of my lists! I know you’re excited:

1. Quality of care.
   This is the most important piece, and I talked about it above.
   
2. Location.
   Location is extremely important; hence its place near the top of the list. If one of you travels for work, pick a location near the parent who doesn’t. If a situation arises, such as when your child gets sick, you can be there at a moment’s notice.
   
3. Certification.
   We all know that government-run programs are about as effective as having Charlie Sheen as your AA sponsor. But certification is a must-have on your list. You’ve got to think to yourself, “If they’re not smart enough to get government certification, do I really want them in charge of my child?” Most of the facilities you’re likely to consider will have this, and should.
   
4. Caregiver-child ratios.
   The ratio is important. If you have any imagination, you can see how taking care of one single infant will be a challenge. Now multiply the required amount of love and attention by ten, or more realistically, multiply it by fifteen. So if they have fifteen infants to every caregiver, you can imagine how well that may work. A good ratio in the infants' room is three or four babies to each adult.
   
5. Open-door policy.
   Can you stop in anytime you want to see your child? If you stop by unexpectedly, you can learn a lot by seeing the teachers when they don’t know you’re going to be there. Many parents will only use facilities that have webcams installed in the rooms so you can view your child whenever your heart desires. If for some reason the facility doesn’t allow parents to pop in, this would have to be taken as a red flag.
   
6. Cleanliness.
   This seems obvious, but check anyway. With all of those little people running around eating, drooling, and pooping, the place can get dirty and germ-ridden fast. Good caregivers stay on top of things. It’s a bad sign if they don’t. I’m not suggesting you secretly use a swab on the welcome tour and get it sent to a lab for analysis. Just use your eyes. And nose.
   
7. References.
   Ask the day care to provide some names of customers who use their services. If you want to be tough on them, ask for a few names of people who no longer use their services and interview them.
   

So once you do all your homework, how do you decide? There is no foolproof methodology. Some simply look at what they can afford. Others look at the various costs versus the benefits. If you can, stay around the facility for a few hours, and you’ll get a feel for whether the staff really cares for the children. That plus the location and price should be the ultimate criteria. A quick tip: many employers offer an account that allows you to pay for dependent care with pretax dollars. Every little bit counts!

Unfortunately you can’t just post the following announcement on your fantasy football message board: She did it! The baby popped out. It’s a boy, and he’s hung like his father. Everybody’s fine!

To most guys, this probably covers all the needed information, but it’s not going to make the grade. You’re going to drop more cash than you feel is reasonable to announce your offspring’s arrival into the world. Unfortunately, this requires trips to some sort of store created out of most men’s nightmares, as well as lengthy discussions about paper thickness and quality, in-depth analysis of font type and size, and the difference between Cotton Candy and Cherry Blossom paper samples. As your frustration builds, refrain from these common responses:

• I don’t care.
  
• Just pick one.
  
• I’m leaving.
  
• Where’s the nearest bar?
  

Like many things in life, sharing these feelings will feel good in the moment, but there will be payback later. Just strap yourself in for several hours spent dedicating yourself to differentiating between shades of light pink or blue. As the price per announcement climbs, you’ll want to fight back and cross those third cousins off the recipient list. Don’t sweat it. Maybe the force will be with you and those long-lost relatives will give you some of the best gifts.

First and foremost, let’s define exactly what a push gift is:

Push gift (n).
A ridiculous concept created by women to begin a trend in which they receive a gift in exchange for carrying a baby to full gestation. Their hope is for this to become a common practice the whole world over.

Okay, so this definition is sarcastic, inflammatory, and for the most part, meant to be in jest. Looked at one way, a push gift lets men acknowledge the pain and sacrifice women go through to carry and birth a child into the world. But on the other hand, there is no “emotionally scarred for life” gift for men or a “you’ve been wrong for nine straight months” gift to reward us for making it through pregnancy. If you and your BMP decided to procreate, it really wasn’t a question of “Okay, who is going to carry this thing? Honey, are you sure? Thanks for stepping up to the plate.”

So my advice is this: if the gift comes from a good place in you, then go for it. But if you happen to pick up a vibe about how the cost of the gift will be evaluated as a measure of your love, or if your offering will be compared to what So-and-So got from her husband, then at least try to get store credit when you return the gift.

• There may be some fun things the two of you want to do as a couple before the baby comes.
  
• Always get the doctor’s permission, but consider a nice vacation.
  
• Make sure to check with your employer’s human resources department concerning paternity leave. You may need to plan your vacation accordingly to maximize the time you can stay home after your baby is born.
  
• It will be important to plan out a new monthly budget for the family. Make sure to include any new expenses such as day care.
  
• Family vacation destinations will most likely change, as will the cost!
  
• Take this time to research and select a pediatrician for your child. Start with a list of providers covered that are by your insurance and are located near home, and then go from there.
  
• If both parents will be returning to work, it will also be important to find a day-care provider.
  
• Birth announcements are an important way to formally notify important people in your life about your new addition — just don’t break the bank!
  
• It’s up to you whether you want to follow the recent trend of getting your BMP a push gift.
  

As you near weeks 38 and on, you’ll be a vigilant member of what the media would name Babywatch. While it’s not as stimulating as
Baywatch
, which exists so viewers can ogle beautiful lifeguards as they run down the beach on TV, Babywatch consists of staying in constant contact with your BMP, texting her to see if she “feels” anything happening in there while the two of you are apart, and generally being a pest. But your efforts are not mistimed: Although only about 4 percent of moms give birth on their due date, about 98 percent give birth during weeks 38 through 42.

For your BMP, the rest of the way home is going to get pretty uncomfortable. It’s guesstimated that she’ll gain about a pound a week for the rest of the pregnancy, and because she’s roughly the size of a barn, she’ll have a harder time moving around and will suffer more aches and pains.