Desperately Seeking Shapeshifter (29 page)

I didn’t sleep well that night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw wolves. And when I dreamed, Roy was there in my dreams, bullying me. I jerked awake after another bad dream, drenched in sweat, and realized that Ramsey still hadn’t come to bed. I tiptoed across the floor and cracked the bedroom door—now leveled and hinges greased—and peered down the hall. Ramsey sat in a folding chair at the end of the hall, staring into the darkness, his gaze out the window. I smelled a bit of a breeze and realized he had it cracked so he could scent changes in the air. Across his lap lay a shotgun.

A funny tingle went through me at the sight. I crept back into the bedroom and shut the door, then leaned against it. Seeing that gun in his lap made me feel all kinds of things. Horror that we might have come to this. Fear that the wolves might attack and hurt Ramsey.

And a deep, warm sensation that he cared enough about me to go that far.

When dawn finally came, I woke to what sounded like a shot being fired, and I sprang out of bed. I raced down the stairs, nostrils flaring, frightened out of my wits. The sound went off again, and I followed it into the kitchen . . .

Only to be greeted by Dan and Savannah sitting on the floor, a stack of ceramic tile in front of them. Savannah looked up from the tile cutter, her long, dark hair spilling over her shoulders. “Did we wake you up? Sorry.”

I clasped my hands at my waist, willing them to stop shaking. “I just . . . I thought . . . never mind.”

She gave me a mild look, then pumped the handle on the tile cutter again. It made a cracking sound like a shotgun once more, and she laid the resized tile to the side. A pretty black and white for a checkerboard floor, unless I missed my guess.

“The tile’s nice.”

“Ramsey thought you might like it,” Savannah said coolly. “You can help us lay the tile if you want.”

“Okay.”

“Probably’ll go easier if you put some pants on,” she commented. “So Dan can stop staring at the floor.”

Oh. In my haste, I hadn’t paid a lick of attention to what I was wearing. I dashed back upstairs, grabbed my old jeans and threw them on, then dashed back down to the kitchen again. There was
no sign of Ramsey, and it was weird how my heart plummeted at that. “Have you seen Ramsey?”

“He went out. He and Beau had some big plan today. My brothers are crawling all over the land, though; don’t you worry.”

I sat cross-legged on the floor. I wasn’t worried. If Ramsey thought I was safe with all the Russells breathing down my neck, then I was safe. Just . . . disappointed that I didn’t see him. I felt the oddest need to touch his hand, let him know that I was all right.

Dan straightened as I sat down. “If you guys are good, I’m going to go help Jackson with the roof,” he said and disappeared.

I gave Savannah a questioning look.

“It’s the cat in me,” she said. “He’s young enough that it probably still unsettles him.”

“Oh,” I said, pulling my knees up. I hadn’t noticed anything jarring about Savannah—or the rest of the Russells. Perhaps it was a “born” shifter thing? “Do most species get along as badly as wolves and were-cats?”

“Mostly those two,” she said cheerfully. “Though most find were-snakes untrustworthy. And vampires smell amazing, but other than that, they’re unsettling.”

I made a mental note to add this to my sister’s database. Perhaps we
were
missing some vital elements by not having a natural-born shifter working there.

Savannah went back to cutting tile, handing me each piece as it was trimmed. “You want to do this?”

“No,” I said. “You’re doing just fine. I appreciate the help.”

“Gives me a chance to get out of the house,” she said. “I’m afraid the same doesn’t go for you, though. House arrest until Ramsey gives the order.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” I shuddered at the thought. “Though I should probably call my sister and make sure she has coverage at the agency.”

I didn’t get up, though. I had too many questions running through my mind. I picked up a piece of the marble tile and ran my fingers along the rough, gritty edge. Expensive tile. I wondered if what Dan had said about Ramsey making a den—a home—for his mate was true.

Why did I doubt it? Why was I running scared now? I couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than Ramsey. Yet whenever I thought of the reins of the relationship being in my hands, I got scared. The last time I’d picked who I’d wanted to be with, he’d been a monster. What if I was being stupid again? Worse, what if I ruined Ramsey’s life instead of just my own?

After six years of being at the mercy of others, I was in charge of my own destiny, and I was terrified at the thought.

I swallowed. “Hey, Savannah? Can I ask you something?”

Her expression grew instantly wary. “Of course.”

I continued to run my fingers along the edge of the tile. So pretty and smooth, but so rough around the edges. “What were the wolves like when you were captured?”

She thought for a minute, and then offered, “Indifferent.”

That wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting. “Indifferent? How so?”

She shrugged. “They’re massive assholes, but when they stole me they were careful not to hurt me. I think it was more to call a bluff than anything else. They kept me in a cabin in the middle of the woods. I was chained to the wall, but other than that, they left me my privacy. Fed me three times a day. They didn’t harass me. They just didn’t seem to care at all. Totally uninterested. It’s the cat thing.”

I could think of one particular wolf who was very interested, but I said nothing. “And Gracie?”

“She’s an odd one. She was friendly to me, but every time her father came around, she’d clam up. I think her family brings out the worst in her.”

I nodded. “And . . . Connor?”

Savannah’s eyes narrowed, and for a minute she looked just like Beau when he got angry. “Why are you asking me about him?”

“Because he’s sick with love for you and I’m trying to understand it, since they were all so indifferent to you.”

Her mouth softened a little. “Not Connor.”

“Not Connor what?”

“He’s not like the others. When I count the Anderson pack, I don’t count him. He’s different.”

“Then why won’t you talk to him?”

She gave me a sad smile and picked up another tile. “Because he’s not different enough.”

That struck me as rather unfair. “You don’t know that.”

“Don’t I? I begged him to send me home because I was in heat, to send me back to my boyfriend. Connor didn’t listen, though. At the end of the day, he still obeyed his alpha. I can’t love a man like that. I need my needs—and my child’s needs—to be first in his mind.” Her voice had grown hard. “He slept with me knowing he was destroying my relationship with my boyfriend, and he didn’t care.”

I shook my head. “Are you sure he wasn’t just doing what was best for you? What if he’d let you go and the alpha killed you? Levi and the others are ruthless, but that doesn’t mean that Connor is. Or that he doesn’t have the capacity to love.”

She said nothing.

It really bothered me, so I continued. “Just because he’s different doesn’t mean he’s your enemy. Judge him by his actions, Savannah, not the actions of others.”

She still said nothing.

My stomach gave a funny little twist, and I pulled the tile from her hands, forcing her to look at me. “He’s sick with love for you. He wants you at his side but doesn’t know how to accomplish it. He wants to share his life with you, and you won’t let him in.”

“You think so?”

“I think if you asked him, he’d give up everything for you. Pack, family—they don’t matter to him.
You
do. It’s obvious that he adores you . . . and that you won’t give him a chance.”

She gave me an odd look, and then a wry smile curved her mouth. “Are we talking about my relationship . . . or yours?”

I had no answer for her.
Was
I shutting Ramsey out? I handed the tile back to her and got to my feet, mumbling something about needing fresh air. I stepped out onto the porch and noticed that the warped wooden steps had been repaired. I walked to the front of the house and turned, studying the house. The fresh coat of paint had given it new life, and the holes in the roof were patched and reshingled. The porch still sagged at the edges, but that could be easily fixed. I knew it would be in the coming weeks.

Ramsey had started making this a home ever since I’d moved in. It was me who asked about the bears. Me who asked about Nikolina. He’d never volunteered it because it hadn’t mattered to him, and he’d never lied, either. Why was I so certain that I was forcing him to stay here? That I was going to get hurt?

What if he stayed because . . . he wanted to? Because he wanted to be with me?

I rubbed my arms and knew the answer. He wanted me to be free to love him. And he’d stand, waiting for me with his hand outstretched, until I was ready to take it. He wanted me to be sure. Really sure. He wanted to know that I wanted him because I
wanted
to be in a relationship with him, not because I was simply lining up another protector.

I knew what was in my heart.

But the trick was admitting it.

Chapter Seventeen

B
eing stuck at the house with a handful of Russells and no Ramsey drove me insane. I fidgeted and paced until I heard his big truck pull up into the driveway. I stayed in the kitchen, waiting, as he exchanged a few words with Savannah and Joshua. They talked for a moment, then I heard the smaller truck drive away, and Ramsey entered the front door. I smiled at him from behind the kitchen island, feeling oddly hesitant and uncertain after my revelation this afternoon. If I came on to him, would he trust it, or would he simply think I was using him?

Ramsey looked tired, though, his eyes hollow. “Long day?” I asked.

He nodded. “I need a shower. Still smell like sweat.”

I had a million things I wanted to ask him. Why was he so tired? Where had he gone? Was everything okay? But they could wait. “I’ll start dinner,” I said.

While he showered upstairs, I double-checked all the locks on the windows and doors just to be on
the safe side, then started the pasta. By the time he came back, I had French bread cut into thick slices and the microwave pasta served on paper plates. His mouth curved into a faint smile at the sight of it. “Appreciate the dinner.”

“I’m just warning you now that I’m not much of a homemaker,” I teased. “If it can’t be zapped in the microwave, it’s out of my league.”

“But I made you this enormous kitchen,” he said gruffly, taking a beer out of the fridge and sitting down.

My jaw dropped a little.

He winked at me and twisted the cap off his beer.

“Did you just make a joke?” I asked, baffled at his playfulness.

“Wanted to see the expression on your face,” he admitted.

I laughed despite myself.

We had a pleasant meal, talking about inconsequential things—home repair, what he planned to do next in the house, the weather—avoiding topics that would bother either of us.

Until I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Where were you?” I blurted.

A hint of a smile tugged at his mouth.

I blushed. “I worried about you. You were gone all day. Is something wrong?”

The look in his eyes grew possessive and heated, and my nipples hardened. “Thinking about me all day?” he asked huskily.

“Don’t change the subject.”

The hint of a smile that lingered on his mouth said that he was humoring me. “Beau and I went looking for Tony.”

“Who?”

He gave a short nod, toying with the empty longneck in front of him, the bottle nearly dwarfed by his hand. “Tony Anderson. Beau thinks he’s the weak link. We thought if anyone was going to give us details on what the wolves plan, it’d be Tony.”

I swallowed hard. “You weren’t going to torture him, were you?”

“Nope.” He stood, his massive form nearly blotting out the lights in the kitchen. “But I can be real convincing if need be.”

No kidding. I shivered.

The hard expression on his face faded. “I’m scaring you,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, no,” I said hastily, but he ignored my protests.

“Go upstairs. I’ll be up shortly.”

I brightened. “So we can keep talking?”

“So you can get some sleep. It’s late, and you’re fragile.”

Fragile?
“I feel like shoving my fragile fist through your fragile brain,” I muttered.

His mouth twitched, and I realized he was holding back another smile. “You need to rest.”

“Shouldn’t I at least shift tonight?” I wanted to keep in the habit. Now that I had an ounce of control again, there was no way I’d give it up.

“That can wait for the morning. I’ll ask Savannah to come over again. She can supervise.”

My heart plummeted. “You won’t help me?”

He shook his head. “You need someone with more patience.”

No one had more patience than Ramsey. I stared at his back, hurt. I knew what this was. He was giving me space. He wasn’t going to crowd me.

Well goddamn it, I wanted to be crowded. I didn’t want space—I wanted him
in
my space. I went upstairs, chewing on my lip, and slammed the bedroom door behind me. So I’d show him just how hard it’d be to let me go, then. I crossed the room and pulled the small lingerie bag out of the closet. I’d been saving the unveiling for a special occasion, and now was the time. I changed into the skimpy lace bra and panties and then put my jeans and T-shirt over them. Before playtime, I needed to have a serious conversation with Ramsey. About the man who’d changed me and what had happened to him.

He knocked on the door as I sat on the edge of the bed, running my palms over my jeans. “Come in.”

He entered and scanned the room, then shut the door behind him. “Everything all right?”

I nodded and patted the mattress next to me. “I want to talk to you.”

He hesitated for a moment, then walked in and sat next to me. I always felt tiniest sitting next to him. Odd that he could be so very enormous and not scare me in the slightest. Roy had been small and compact, and he’d scared the living daylights out of me.