Delete This at Your Peril (8 page)

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: Special Russian Riddle Needed

Alex,

I have some news. I spoke to Terry just there but it was absolutely rammed in Stewpot's because the Dundee United game was on. I tried to speak to him at half time but I couldn't get near him because he does free sausage rolls and he got mobbed the minute he came out the kitchen. I was in there with Tommy Peanuts and he said it was like Beatlemania.

Things calmed down a bit in the second half though so I managed to have a quick word with him. I told him that you were very interested in the job and with living with me in Broughty Ferry and him and Tommy started laughing, I'm not sure what about. I gave him your application form and he said it looked promising and that he'd look forward to seeing you.

On the way home I bumped into Chappy Williams coming out the bookies. I said that we wanted to come to his New Year party and he told me that it's now –

CHAPPY WILLIAM'S SPECIAL NEW YEAR TALENT SHOW

He said that we can only come if we agree to do a special talent act that lasts at least two minutes. Any ideas? One thought I had was that we could go to the party as

THE MYSTERIOUS CURTAIN PEOPLE.

We would wear my old curtains over our heads and just cut tiny, tiny slits into them so we can see where we are going on the way to Chappy's. We would cut through Forthill because if we walked through the Ferry dressed as curtains we'd have all sorts of jokers having a pop.

At Chappy's we would wear the curtains and only talk in riddles when people ask who we are. We could talk in foreign accents. For you this is easy. I'll probably speak like a Frenchman.

If someone asks me who I am then I'll say –

Oooh, I really don't know

But I do like corn on the cob

If you were to say a name that sounds like this

Then you will have done a good job

What could you say? Do you have a good Russian riddle? It is a fun game, and I need to show Chappy that we have it all worked out. Then we can plan your visa,

Bobby x

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: a riddle?

Dear Bob!

As I could understand, you require a riddle… That is I should represent the woman whom of other country, but I should not speak, what I from Russia? I have understood?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET THE GOLDEN TICKET WITH THAT RUBBISH

Alex,

Come on, we'll have to do better than that. If you stood there in a curtain mumbling about representing women from other country then people would think you were insane.

It is very, very important that we manage to get an invite to Chappy's do. Everyone who is anyone in Broughty Ferry is going to be there and it is a wonderful opportunity to introduce you to local society.

You need a riddle of four lines that says you are from Russia but only through clues.

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Dear Bob!

Dear Bob!

I at last have understood. Ok, but it not last variant:) So…

1. I from the country which knows all world but which nobody understands…

2. I from the country which language hardly is easier, than Chinese:)

3. I from the country, where the most beautiful girls in the world:)

4. I from the country where do not mark Christmas on December, 25:))

You will accept?

Yours Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: BAD NEWS BUT ALL IS NOT LOST

Alex,

How are you my darling? OK, first the bad news. I finally caught up with Chappy Williams last night at Khan's kebab shop and talked him through your curtains plan.

I told him the riddles and he didn't like the idea at all. He said that they were no good and also pointed out that my old curtains were my Dinosaur ones and everyone would recognise them because I wore them as a poncho for four months when the cheeseburger money came through.

Chappy said we weren't offering enough of an actual talent to take part in the event. He reckons, and I guess he's right, that sticking curtains on your head and speaking in riddles isn't a recognisable talent. I know it seems harsh but Chappy has only got a one-bedroom flat and there has been a lot of interest. I was at Berkeley's Butchers earlier and four of them are going as Bananarama, and I know for a fact that Big Dom Maciocia has put together a Jackson Five from his chip shop.

So, I'm sorry Alex, but the party's off. I still want you to come though. I am confident that you will win the role at Stewpot's and I'm desperate to see you. I want someone who can join me for walks along Broughty Ferry beach, or at the couples only nights at the bowling club, or as medical support and motivator during my monthly crack at the Dawson Park monkey bars record. You, Alex, are that woman.

But first, we need to get a few things straight.

1. Jazz Mags

I have approximately 2,000 jazz mags hidden all over the house. I don't read them that much, but Don Cabbage makes me keep them in case he gets turned over by the police. I give some away, and guys like Frank Theplank and Tommy Peanuts are always borrowing them, but most drawers and cupboards in the house have at least one jazz mag in them. As does the fridge and the freezer. And the oven. And all of my jackets, some of which are lined with them.

Do you want me to clean up the jazz mags into one, easily monitored pile? You could maybe limit me to one mag a week, or maybe I could only
be allowed to read them if you were out with the girls for a glass of wine, or in hospital having been run over. What do you think?

2. Apron

I have a novelty apron I wear when I am making dinner, and some other times too. It makes it look as if I have a women's body and am wearing a brassiere and women's pants. Is this acceptable?

3. Cartoon

A few months ago, Archie Campbell won the bowling club's monthly Saucy Cartoon Competition
¹²
with something he got off the Internet. It was a typical stunt by Archie, all flash and showing off, so I told him it was rubbish and not as funny as Garfield in the Dundee Courier. But the thing was, Alex, that the cartoon is actually very funny indeed. When Archie wasn't looking, I popped it in my pocket and stuck it up on the kitchen wall when I got home.

Basically it's a job interview and the man says ‘so you can't keep a secret, well you've still got the job' to this woman. It's funny because keeping secrets is important but, here's the thing, the woman's bazookas are hanging out! So he gives her the job anyway!

It cracks me up and having it in the kitchen is a good way of starting the day with a smile.

What do you think? Do you see this as a bit of fun or are you going to get all angry and say it's not fair on the woman even though she's just a cartoon woman? Maybe you'd rather have a photo of babies up in the kitchen, or a calendar so you can mark up when you're going to the barbers?

Let me know what you think about these things please Alex, so I can start getting things ready for you here.

Bob x

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Money for visa needed now

My darling Bob!

I shall answer your questions. But if I shall not pay the money today then I cannot receive the visa! You understand?

1. It is not necessary for you “to clean up the jazz mags into one, easily monitored pile”. As I have understood, jazz mags is a part of your life which you very much value. What for to pretend to someone to anothers?
So leave like you have usually.

2. Mmm. This threat looks sexually:) To me is not a problem to carry it:)

3. To me too it is very interesting Cartoon. I find it amusing and I hope, that when we shall be together we shall cheerfully look at it together:)

I hope, that have answered all your questions. Now I shall tell you cost has increased to 1300 euro because additional expenses for renewal of documents are required. You should inform me when you can send me this sum. And tell me what airport I should come to? Do you like photo I send to show my love?

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: WHAT A CLEVER PHOTO!

Hello Alex,

What a clever photo! At first I thought it was just you blowing old Bob a kiss and then I looked at the computer screen and there was old Bob himself! Great stuff. A nice idea, well executed. I think it's probably best that you fly to Edinburgh airport. I can get Geronimo McLardy to drive me there to pick
you up. He'll do it for jazz mags. Oh, what a wonderful day that will be!

When the bank opens I am going to ask for the money for your visa. To hell with the cost!

Love,

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Visa

Hello Bob,

Once again the information on how you should send the money –

1. Name of the addressee: Alexandra

2. Surname of the addressee: Dadashov

3. City and country of the addressee: Vladivostok, Russia

I hope, that you can make it in the nearest hour because our banks work only up to 3 PM.

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: THE HEAT IS ON

Alex,

I have had a terrible day. This morning, Don Cabbage turned up and said I owed him money so he was going to live in my house for a while. I have had to cook for him and pour him drinks and all he does is laugh and ruffle my hair really hard. Don has one thing he does called ‘The Angry Dove'. He twists his hands together and kind of waggles them like wings and says ‘Oh, oh, the dove's getting angry' and then attacks you with the dove. Well, not the dove, with his hands. He punches you in the face, basically, with the dove's wings. Well, they're not the dove's wings. They're his fists.

What should I do Alex? I am scared and frightened and it seems like my whole world is collapsing onto my knees and shins. Sometimes I wish I had never got involved with Don Cabbage and a life of crime for the last couple of years. Yes, it's given me a lot, but it has also taken away a lot and now Don Cabbage is living here, in my house.

Please write back soon. I am too scared to check the email when he is around but whenever he naps I will sneak over and check.

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: We have no time for this!

My darling Bob! I was bothered with this. I lose time, money and patience. The question on my reception of the visa is solved tomorrow. If you will not send me money our meeting will be unreal because the embassy will not give me the visa. Really for you it is difficult to understand it? If for you money not a problem why you cannot make it now or tomorrow? To me has bothered to waste time, money and my reputation. You still have time and we can be together.

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: I AM TRYING MY BEST FOR GOD'S SAKE

Alex,

I am trying my darling but it is very hard for me with Don Cabbage being in the house all the time. He is a very scary man. I have some money here, around £5,000 but I do not want him to know I have this money do you see? Once he leaves I can go and send it to you from the Post Office.

Earlier, Don Cabbage went to the bathroom and I went to look in his room. He has some bad things in there Alex, including an axe and some really big potatoes that I think he uses as missiles. I am very scared Alex, what should I do? As soon as he leaves I can send you the £5,000. Please write back and please understand, I love you but my life is in danger from Don Cabbage,

Bob xx

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: We have not much time

Darling Bob

I know you are scared but I am already tired to wait for hours with you of a meeting. You must be quick,

Alex