Crush (28 page)
“You said people lose their V when they make love for the first time with someone they really care about, right? So maybe that means
you
were a virgin too, that first night with me…in a way, you know…”
“Maybe it does,” he agrees. “We pretended, Jamie…to get through things we didn’t want to do…to survive…to prove something to ourselves…whatever…But we’ve never pretended with each other.”
“No…”
“I love being with you…I do…”
“I swore to myself, when I was a kid, I’d never have sex
again,” I confess. “I’d never
ever
do those gross, disgusting things with anyone ever again…and then you…and I…I never thought I’d ever
love
sex.”
“I never loved sex until Christmas Eve,” Tammy murmurs. “I mean…I had a lot of sex, Jamie…you know that…I wish I could have been like you, but…anyway…I never
loved
sex…until you… because it’s so much more…”
“It
is
so much more…I love being close to you…I love the way you crush me close to you after…and it’s so warm, wet, sticky… and the wayit
smells
....”
“Whydon’t you call in sick already!” he grumps, then his voice lowers enticingly. “You
know
you want to…”
My knees don’t have cartilage holding them together anymore...All I want is for him to drive his ass back over here and fuck me silly. “Honey…I have to go…I’m so late…”
“Seriously, Jamie…I’m worried…”
“Please, Tammy, don’t worryanymore.”
“I…”
“You’re the best...”
“Jamie…”
“For the last time, I’m going to be
fine
. I love you.” “I love you too. Don’t forget to call me!”
“I won’t…promise.”
“The veryinstant you walk in!”
“The veryinstant…I promise, Tammy.”
“Okay.” He’s relaxing a little. “I love you.” I hear a kissing sound on his end.
“Love you too,” I say, and kiss mycell phone.
I gather up mykeys and the kitchen garbage. I remember the towel rack I tore off the bathroom wall. I scoop it out of the tub, mindful of the reeky puke splattered and drying all over the white fiberglass. I say another rushed goodbye to the kids and lock the front door behind me.
He didn’t want me to go to work with him.
It’s not that I believe Jamie’s going to off himself as soon as he’s out of my sight. I do believe he loves me. I do believe he wants to live.
But…I can’t shake this feeling as I drive home.
Mom’s sound asleep, so I move quietlyas I microwave some leftover vegetable beef soup and settle in front of the TV.
I can’t eat…the soup is tasteless…I shove it away.
I’m upset, that’s all. I’m upset over the events of the day---the video, Yvette’s deplorable behavior, the fight Jamie and I had, the threat of suicide…
The
Bugs Bunny
cartoons aren’t helping a bit. I can’t get this nameless fear to disembark. I snatch our portable house phone and call Jamie’s house again. No answer. Bynow he must be on his way. I dial his cell. No answer. Shit! He’s either got the damn thing turned off or it’s on vibrate and he can’t hear it because he’s got the radio blasting.
The prayer bursts out of me.
Please God, please get Jamie to work safely, and make him remember to call me when he gets there. Please…
Fifteen minutes go by, and I can’t settle down. I call St. Paul’s and ask for three south, where Jamie usually is stationed. I know he can’t be there this soon, but I want to leave a message for them to remind him to call me. The nurse who answers says, “I haven’t seen Jamie up here.”
“I know…he was running late tonight, but he’s on his way now. Just have him call me, please.”
“Okay,” says the surprised nurse.
I go back to watching
Bugs Bunny
. Okay, now Jamie’s had more than enough time to get there.
I fall asleep waiting for his call.
I dream of Jamie, or rather, his voice, calling to me from a dark echoey place, a place I can’t see, no matter how I squint.
I leap to full alertness. The clock says, five-thirty. I curse myself as I grab myphone and dial St. Paul’s again.
“No, Jamie’s not here,” a new nurse says. “Haven’t seen him all night…isn’t he off tonight, Linda?”
Avoice nearbyasks, “Is that the guywho called last night?”
“Yeah!” I say. “I called last night. Didn’t he show up?”
Linda gets on. “I think Jamie is off tonight, sir.”
My heart is pummeling. “No, he’s supposed to be there. He was on call,” I sayrapidly, frantically. “Theycalled him at about ten last night to come in at eleven! He left the house at around tenthirtyor a quarter to eleven, so he was running late, but he should be there!”
“Just a sec,” says Linda.
A familiar, deep, brusque voice suddenly snaps, “Who is this?!” It’s that fat old hag, Paulina, a.k.a. Nurse Ratchett.
“I’m a friend of Jamie Pearce’s,” I try to explain. “He’s supposed to be there working tonight. He was supposed to call me and let me know he got there okay, but he hasn’t called. Is he there?”
“He’s
supposed
to be on the fourth floor!” she snarls.
“Oh! Can I have the number up there?”
“He never showed up!”
My heart lurches against myAdam’s apple. “What?! Are you sure?!”
“I
am
the supe tonight!” she declares in her haughty nurse voice. “So, yes, I’m sure! I’ve had to rearrange my entire staffing roster because he no-call, no-showed!”
“He was supposed to be there,” I pant worriedly. “He was running late, but he was on his waythere!”
“Well, he didn’t make it here, that’s all I know,” sneers Nurse Ratchett. “He’d better not make this a habit, or he’ll be looking for a new job!”
Throttling the urge to cuss her out, I hang up, spring into my car, drive like a demon across town, out to Jamie’s house. It’s dark, lonesome, isolated, too secluded. The only lights are the muted orange of the streetlamp about fifty yards away, and the weak yellow of the porch light. His car is gone from the driveway. I park along the curb in front, near the garbage cans. There is no answer at the front door.
I call the hospital again, this time asking for the fourth floor.
“No, he didn’t come in,” the nurse says. “He was a no show tonight.”
“Are you sure? He was going to come in…he wouldn’t just no show! Has he ever no showed before?”
“Here, let me have you talk to the supervisor.”
“No! I…”
Too late. “Who is this?!” Paulina again.
“I’m still looking for Jamie Pearce.”
“I told you not a half hour ago that he’s not here! He skipped!”
“He wouldn’t
do
that!” I shout. “I know that for a fact because
I
asked him to call in sick tonight and he wouldn’t. He said he promised to work tonight and that he couldn’t back out!”
“Well,” she scoffs, “there’s always a first time! Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’re
busy
up here!”
“I’m telling you, he’s not playing hooky! He’s
missing
!”
“That’s not my problem! Why don’t you try calling the queer clubs!”
“I’m reporting you for that!” I snap. “Count on it!”
“Do whatever you want. Just tell your little
friend
he’s being written up for the mess he’s created for me tonight!”
“I’m wasting time talking to
you
…I need to call the police!”
“You’re wasting
my
time,” the bitch grunts, and I hang up on her. Too bad it’s only my cell. If it were a big, heavy land-line receiver, I’d break her eardrum slamming it down. I’m in tears of outrage. She’s such a cold, callous, mean old bitch!
The sky is lightening. I go to every window, trying to see into his house, shouting, “Jamie!” The curtains are all drawn, the blinds all closed. I can’t even see if anyof the kitties are in there. I try the front and back doors, both are locked. I crouch down and open the cat door Lloyd installed in the back door. “Jamie? Jamie, are you home?” No response. None of the cats appear either.
I have no choice. I take a loosened brick from one of the flowerbeds and hurl it through a back window, expecting an alarm to shrill at me. It’s completely still. I wonder if he has a silent alarm. I hope so. I want the cops here immediately. Hoping none of the cats were near the glass. I climb through into the dining room.
Please, God, if someone’s hurting him, please make them stop! If he’s dead, please let it be he didn’t suffer long! He’s suffered enough!
I sob in a rage at the remembered and the unseen and unknown. No…
Let it be Jamie’s okay…please don’t take him away from me!
His cats are all fine, but mysudden anxious movements and my sobbing shouts disturb them as I dart from room to room, searching, and theyfile out their little pet door.
There is no sign of Jamie, and other than the damage he did in the bathroom and what I did to the window, no sign of disorder.
The police haven’t been lured here by any silent alarm, so I go out in the front yard and call. The skyis icy, mother of pearl, as the sun slowly ascends. I suddenly notice how the cold is biting into my hands, turning them red, chapping the skin over my knuckles.
“Has he been missing for twenty-four hours?” asks the
last night. He didn’t show up for his job in Sac.”
“Are you sure?”
“Sir, I’ve called twice, and they insist he never arrived last
night. That’s not like him at all.”
“Has he ever done this kind of thing before?”
“I just told you, no,” I sigh.
“Does he make it a habit of being late to work?”
“Not that I know of.”
“You don’t sound like you’ve known him that long.” “Well…I’ve known him for manyyears…sort of…” “Sort of?”
“Listen.” My patience is wearing dangerously thin. “I have a
reallybad feeling. I think something’s wrong!”
“Where does he live?”
“I’m at his home now,” I say, feeling sheepish for not
knowing his address byheart, for having to look up above his front door for the number. “2507 Willow Road, Sommerville. His car is gone and he’s not answering the door. I broke his dining room window and went in to look for him. He’s not here.”
“Sir, you
broke in
?” the policeman asks sharply. “I had to…I’m
scared
!”
“Hmmm…Aside from you breaking in, any signs of foul
play?”
“Not that I can see.”
“Well, sir, I’m reallynot sure what’s going on, but we’ll send a
unit to the residence in just a moment. Stayon the line with me.” “He wouldn’t ditch work, officer! He
never
misses work!” “Just tryto remain calm…”
“He
never
calls in sick, even when he’s sick as a dog!” I
“I have a really
bad
feeling!”
“I need you to calm down, sir.”
I’ve been shouting, but I can’t help it!
“We’ve got a car on the way. But I have a feeling that if you
“He was supposed to call me when he arrived to work!” I bellow. “He
promised
me!”
Maybe he’s trying to call me now
, I realize.
I should be keeping this line clear.
But if he were trying to get through, or Mom, to let me know he’s called the house, my cell would tell me that!
“He’ll probably find his way home this morning,” the officer says cheerfully.
What is Jamie, a lost
dog
?! Abarflywho can’t find his car?!
As if the cop can read minds, he asks, “Does your friend
“St. Paul’s in Sacramento!” I repeat as patientlyas I possibly “Was he upset about anything last night?”
Myheart palpitates painfully. “We had a…disagreement…but it’s resolved.”
“Resolved,” parrots the cop. “Are you sure?”
“Yes!” If I don’t have to disclose anyof the private tidbits about our difficulties, I’m not about to. All it would do is give the policeman ammo to construct a pettygaylove-spat theory.
“Maybe he’s not as sure as you are about that,” offers the officer. “What did you two fight about?”
“It wasn’t a fight, it was a
disagreement
,” I snap. “Huge difference.”
“Okay, what was your
disagreement
about, then?”
“It’s very complicated,” I say cautiously. “The
important
thing is, everything’s okaybetween us.And yes, he knows it as well as I do.”
The way I’ve worded my last sentences has clued him in. “Are you his domestic partner?”
His calm disarms me. He’s not being catty, not insinuating. Onlyasking. “He’s myboyfriend, yes,” I reply.
“Alright, sir…I understand why you’re worried. You’re really sure he’s not angryat you, that he didn’t leave you?”
“No sir, everything was fine when I left him last night. I know it was fine. He was just going to take the trash out, and then he was supposed to go to work.” I’m fighting not to start bellering like a
“It’s already going on six-forty! It
is
morning! He’s been missing for at least seven hours!”
“Can you tell me whyyou didn’t call us last night, if he’s been gone that long?”
“I didn’t
know
he was missing till this morning!” I’m screeching again. “He promised to call me when he got to his job. I even called ahead when he was supposed to be en route, asked the nurses to remind him to call me the minute he got in! He never called!”
“That doesn’t explain whyyou waited until
now
to call us,” the officer says gently. Now his soothing manner is inciting me to riot.
“I fell asleep waiting for his call,” I admit. Whydid I have to fall asleep?! I don’t give a shit how exhausted I was, from the fight, from the video, from all the emotional upheaval. How could I just fall
asleep
?! “When I woke up, it was five-thirty. I called his work twice, and both times they insisted he’d never shown up for his shift….I just
know
something’s wrong!”
My cell phone beeps…only to tell me that the battery is getting low.
“You’re
sure
he didn’t leave you?”
“I’m sure!”
Am I? Did he coddle and promise me just to get me out of his