Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (22 page)

M
onday passed
by in a blur and before I knew it, it was time for me to clock out and head over to the doctor’s office to meet Delaney. She’d texted me first thing this morning reminding me that I could back out if I wanted to, but I kindly told her I was going. Shortly after, I received a text that contained the address and time of where I needed to meet her. As promised, my boss told me not to worry and let him know what she was having if we found out.

The drive over to the medical complex took about ten minutes. I entered the building and checked the information directory to find the office location. I looked around for Delaney and when I didn’t see her waiting for me, I decided to head on up. I was ten minutes early, but knowing her, she was probably already here.

The elevator ride was quick and I stepped off on the eleventh floor, repeating to myself that everything would be okay and I was here because she needed me to be. Only I knew that I was kidding myself with that lie. I was here because I wanted to be. Because I wanted her to want me to be a part of her and this baby’s life.

I looked around the lobby and spotted her off to the left in the back corner looking through a magazine.

“Reading anything good?” I asked as I sat down, trying to gain her attention.

What I did achieve was something else entirely.

Delaney jumped halfway out of her seat and screamed, throwing her hand up to her chest. Now that I wasn’t expecting.

“Don’t scare a pregnant woman, Weston,” she scolded as she hit my arm. “You could’ve made me pee my pants,” she continued as she beat her fist into my arm a few more times for good measure.

“I wasn’t trying to scare you. I sat down beside you and asked a question. You’re the one who was so engrossed in the magazine that you didn’t notice,” I said, trying really hard to contain my laughter. I knew better than to provoke a pregnant woman. Especially a pregnant woman who was trying to prove a point.

“Thank you for coming,” she said with her hand still to her chest as she tried to calm herself down.

Moments later, the nurse came out and called Delaney’s name. I stood and helped her up out of the chair and walked beside her as we followed the nurse. She was weighed first, which I turned my head. There was no way I wanted to even remotely get involved with that part of this visit. I knew how touchy women could be about their weight and if I didn’t see anything I couldn’t be a part of the tirade of emotions that were sure to follow when she saw the number.

We were then led back to the room with the ultrasound machine. Delaney got up on the table with the help of a step stool and laid back. She lifted her shirt and pushed down the band of her pants, waiting for the ultrasound technician to come into the room. I loved how she didn’t seem self-conscious about showing off her growing stomach. It was amazing and beautiful to watch a woman grow while carrying a child.

I sat down on the stool beside the table and reached up to grab the hand that she’d let fall to the side. Her breathing had picked up since she’d laid down, and I knew her blood pressure was consistently rising the longer we waited.

“That little guy or girl is going to be fine. This visit is going to go smoothly and you’re going to fall even more in love with him or her the second you lay eyes on that screen. Don’t think about the negative, just think about how happy you’re going to be in a few minutes when you hear the sound of the heartbeat filling the room,” I said, putting her hand in between both of mine and bringing the tips of her fingers to my lips. I gently kissed them and put her hand back down, leaving it within my own.

“Shut your eyes for me for a second.”

Once she’d shut her eyes, I told her to picture her happy place. One where she’d go to escape all of her troubles. The smile on her lips told me that she was there in her thoughts and the rise and fall of her chest started to slow.

The door opened and the ultrasound technician walked into the room.

“Are you ready to see the baby?” she enthusiastically asked as she sat down in front of the machine and started to key in information.

“I’m more than ready. I hope the baby cooperates this time. The last time not so much.”

“I’ve got a good feeling about today. And you’re ready for me so we’ll begin. You know this may be a little cold,” she said as she put gel on her stomach.

Delaney didn’t flinch, just stared at the blank screen. Her hand squeezed mine with a force I wasn’t expecting, causing me to choke on the spit in my mouth.

I recovered quickly and gave a light squeeze in return to let her know I was here for her to lean on.

The screen turned gray for a second and then a moving image appeared. The technician clicked a few buttons on the screen and a thumping sound echoed through the room. I looked over to Delaney who had tears filling her eyes, threatening to fall over. She smiled, not needing to say a word.

The technician smiled and made a few more clicks on the machine.

I looked over but I couldn’t tell what I was looking at.

“Do you want to find out? I can see the image as clear as day today,” the woman said as she held the wand still.

An idea entered my mind, only I knew it would be risky to mention due to how emotional she’d been lately.

“I have an idea,” I said warily.

“What’s that?” she asked, confused.

“How about we have her put it in an envelope and go see Trenton. We can tell him together. That way he gets to be a part of it and find out the same time we do,” I said, hoping I didn’t overstep any bounds.

The tears that still loomed in her eyes instantly fell, and she laid her head back on the pillow. Shutting her eyes, she took a moment to compose herself before she looked back up at me.

“How do you always know just what to say when I need to hear it?” she whispered as she turned toward the technician.

Instead of responding, I remained silent, knowing she wasn’t looking for an answer anyway.

“Is there any way you can write down the gender and put it in a sealed envelope. We want to share it with someone,” Delaney asked the technician.

“I sure can. I’m going to get a few more measurements of this wiggly baby here and we’ll be done,” she said as she went back to getting what she needed for the baby.

When she was done, she handed Delaney some paper towels and said that she’d give the doctor the envelope. She told us which exam room to head to then walked out of the room. Delaney wiped her stomach off, a smile on her lips as she rubbed her belly. I stood and waited for her to finish then I took her hand and helped her off the table.

The rest of the doctor’s appointment was uneventful. The doctor took some more measurements and said the baby was still on track to deliver in December. It’s crazy to think that it’s already been two months since she’d found out and it would be four more months until the baby arrived. The doctor told her to come back in four weeks and handed her the envelope that contained the gender of the baby.

She clutched the envelope to her chest as I guided her out of the building. I walked her over to her car and I told her to go straight to the cemetery. I just hoped she’d be okay to drive. She looked to me with a huge smile on her lips and told me she’d see me there.

On the drive, I took the time to reflect on the past few crazy months. I missed my best friend every minute of every day still, but with her around and knowing a piece of him grew inside of her made the pain more bearable. Seeing how strong she was made it easier to cope because she gave me something more to focus on. Her light personality and caring heart made being around her so easy. Which is why I knew my feelings would grow for her even before I’d admitted it to myself. I tried so hard to fight it, but I’d lost that battle. Now I just hid how I felt from her. Only touching her when she needed comfort and trying to hide how she affected me when she wasn’t paying attention. One day I’d have the courage to ask her what she meant that day in the cemetery, but until then I’d just long for her from a distance. Long for what we could have when she was ready to try again.

I pulled into the cemetery and went in the direction of Trenton’s final resting place. I rounded the corner, the old tree coming into view. Her vehicle was parked beneath the tree and she was sitting in front of his headstone talking to him.

I pulled in behind her and shut off the engine after I put it in park. I hopped out and stood by the hood, giving her a private moment. When she turned to look at me, I walked over to her and sat down beside her.

“You ready to find out what you’re having?” I asked with a smile on my face. I actually couldn’t wait to find out myself.

“More than ready. I just don’t think I’m going to get my hands to stop shaking to open the envelope. Can you open it for me?” she asked as she handed me the square-shaped envelope that held the answer she couldn’t wait to find out.

I took the envelope and slid my finger underneath the tab, tearing it at the seam to get it to open. I pulled out the folded piece of paper and handed it over. With a shaky hand, she reached over and took the paper.

“Here goes nothing,” she said as she flipped it open. A smile formed on her lips as she read what the piece of paper revealed. Tears slid down her cheeks as she looked back up at Trenton’s headstone. She clenched the paper in her hand and brought it to her chest, looking up to the sky and shutting her eyes. After a moment, she looked over and me and I patiently waited for her to speak.

“It’s a boy,” she squealed as she moved over and wrapped her arms around my neck.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her until she was ready to let go. Moments passed but she continued to allow me to hold her, comfort her through the emotionalness of the situation.

“Thank you for coming up with this idea. I love how we got to include him in finding out. I know it’s crazy since he’s not here, but it meant the world to me that you suggested it. I’ve felt guilty every time he missed out on something, but this made it even more bearable,” she said with her arms still wrapped around my neck.

“That’s what I’m here for. Not to push anything, but have you thought any more about my suggestion. I just want you comfortable and not stressing out for the rest of the pregnancy,” I said. I know it would be awkward at first living together, but we were just friends and I wanted to help her out until she could find what she wanted.

She took a deep breath and pulled away, sitting back down beside me on the grass.

“I have thought about it and it makes so much sense. I just don’t want to impose and upend Grace’s life. She’s been through enough change as it is, and I don’t want to add to it,” she said as she pulled at the grass.

“Grace loves you. She’s asked you to stay a lot recently. Plus, she’s two and she’s resilient. Let me worry about Grace. Is that you’re only reason for not wanting to move in with me?”

“Mostly.”

“Then it’s settled. You can move in with me. We can get your things out of storage and you can get ready for the baby,” I said, not giving her any other choice but to agree with me.

“I guess you’re right. It would save me a lot of stress. Plus, I can get back rubs when I need them, so it’s a win-win for me,” she joked.

“I see how it is. You’re using me for my magic hands,” I said as I stood up from the ground. I brushed off the seat of my pants and offered my hand to her to help her up. She kissed the tips of her hands and placed them on his headstone like she always did before taking my hand and allowing me to help her up.

“Of course. You know how it is,” she said with a laugh as she walked toward her car.

“You want to have dinner at the house and we can talk more about what you need to do to move?”

“Sure,” she said as she got into her car.

I got in my truck with a little more pep in my step. I knew I was looking more into her moving in than I should, but I was just happy that the calm to my storm would now be around every day. When she was there, everything in the world seemed complete. Seemed right. And I was done with the rage. Now I just wanted the peace and happiness that she brought with her.

T
wo months had passed
since that day at the gravesite. She’d moved in, albeit she swore that I better let her help. I complied, but what she didn’t know was that all of the money she gave me toward bills, I put into an account for the baby. She could get mad at me later. For now, what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

We set up the baby’s crib and changing table in the guest room and baby items started to be strategically placed through the house for the little guy. She’d gotten tons of clothes and other necessities from the baby shower that she just had, but the one thing she wanted, she didn’t get. So today we were in search of said item. It was a quilt that no one could seem to find. Only she searched and searched and finally found one that was similar to it at a shop in Charlottesville.

We packed Grace up into her SUV and were on our way there. She shocked me when she came home one day with a car seat in her car all ready to go for Grace. The other side had the bottom piece for the newborn car seat already strapped into place. The fire department had something going on at the station near where she worked so she bought the car seat and had them show her how to put both in. She said she wanted to make sure she had one just in case. That’s what I loved about her. She wanted to include Grace in everything we did. Last month my loving daughter asked her why her stomach had gotten so big and I wanted to crawl in a hole. Delaney took it in stride and explained that there was a baby growing in her belly and that her belly needed to get bigger to make room for how big he would get. The baby moved and Delaney grabbed Grace’s hand to let her feel. Ever since she felt the baby kick, she’s asked Delaney to let her feel her belly. And every time Delaney let her crawl in her lap and feel the baby if he’s kicking. I loved how she let Grace be a part of the baby coming. She even let Grace help decorate and put away the clothes, telling her she would need her to help her and be a big girl when he arrived.

Now all Grace talked about was being a big girl. She even started saying that big girls would use the potty and she wanted to start trying. Only she didn’t like the big toilet very much. But Delaney brought home a small one that was just her size along with big girl princess underwear. Shockingly, within a few days, Grace had used the bathroom in her potty a few times. I couldn’t believe in just this short amount of time how much things had changed, but they had and they were all for the better. I felt better. Happier. And hadn’t had to use the punching bag. Delaney had cured my rage. I didn’t feel the need to be mad anymore. Because when Grace had a setback we handled it and moved forward. I knew she’d have them, only now I was prepared to deal with them.

We arrived at the store and purchased the quilt. Once the store associate put the item in a big enough bag, I took the bag and we walked out of the store.

“You want to walk around since we’re here?” Delaney suggested as she bent down to grab Grace’s hand.

“Sure. Let me take this back to the car so we don’t have to lug it around. Wait over by the bench and I’ll be right back. Grace, you stay with Delaney and listen to her while I’m gone please,” I said before I turned to take the bag to her vehicle.

“Yes, Daddy,” Grace replied.

I dropped off the bag, making sure to lock the doors before I headed back to the girls.

I helped Delaney stand and she put her arm around my elbow. She was getting bigger by the day and sometimes she needed to lean on someone while she walked.

Grace wrapped her little hand around my other hand, and we walked inside the shopping mall.

“Is there anywhere in particular you want to go?” I asked Delaney after we’d gotten to the intersection of the mall.

“I promised this little lady a jump on the trampoline. So we might as well head there first. Isn’t that right, Grace?” Delaney asked as she leaned forward to look down at Grace. That little sneak did this on purpose. She knew that I usually said no because those things scared me. I didn’t care if she’s hooked up to bungee cords or not.

Grace grinned up at me and that look said it all. She’d conned Delaney just like she did my dad when they last came here. Instead of putting my foot down, I decided to let her. We walked the short distance to where the kid’s play area was and Delaney pulled her wallet out to pay. When I tried to object, she scowled at me, her lips tight and her eyes serious. If looks could kill, I’d be dead.

Grace was hooked up to the bungee cords and began to jump. Her little legs couldn’t get her but so high and that made me feel safer. The kid across from her was doing flips and appearing as if she’d go to the ceiling. When her time was up, she let the lady unhook her and I went over and picked it up.

“I jump, Daddy,” she screamed while she clapped her hands. Even though I thought I’d have a heart attack, I loved seeing how happy that simple activity made her.

“You ready to go walk around some more?” I asked as I put her down on the floor and took her hand in mine.

She nodded her head and started to walk in the direction we came. I looked over to Delaney who understood Grace’s sense of urgency. She rushed to catch up to us and put her arm in mine again. From the looks of the way she walked, it looked like she was in pain. But time and time again she told me that it was just the baby dropping and getting bigger.

We were almost on the other side of the mall when the smell of honeysuckle assaulted my senses, causing the hair on my neck to stand. I knew that anyone could be wearing that perfume, but I feared it was her. And that Grace would see her.

Frantically, I looked around and tried to hide my anxiety. I turned my head to the left then the right, seeing no one that remotely looked like her. I was about to turn my head back to the right, when I felt Grace let go of my hand. Something she knew better than to do.

“Mommy,” she screamed as she took off running. My head flew up in the direction she took off in and that’s when I saw her. She looked thinner than the last time I saw her, more tired as well. I took off after Grace, needing to catch up to her before she reached Mackenzie. She turned to walk in the opposite direction even though Grace continued to scream and run toward her. I caught up to Grace and picked her up in my arms, turning around to walk back in the direction I’d left Delaney.

I knew I said that the rage had left me, but all it took was this one instance for it to all come flooding back. Grace continued to kick and scream for her mommy and there was nothing I could say or do to calm her. I reached Delaney and she nodded her head as we turned and walked in the direction of the exit. She walked beside me, her hand rubbing up and down Grace’s back as she attempted to soothe her. By the time we reached the SUV, she’d stopped the kicking and screaming and her head laid on my shoulder. Her arms held on to my neck for dear life. Every now and then she’d sniffle and my heart broke for what she had to see today. For the setbacks that I knew were coming.

She barely let me put her in the car seat, but once I put the blanket and bear in her lap, she calmed. She put the blanket up to her face just the way she liked and turned her head to the side of the car seat. She’d be asleep before we’d make it a quarter of the way home.

I drove us back to the house, my hand clenching the steering tightly as I drove. My teeth ground so hard together my mouth hurt, but I welcomed the pain. Needed something to focus on until I could lay Grace down and beat the hell out of the punching bag.

I carefully got Grace out of the car seat and took her in the house, hoping she stayed asleep. Once she was tucked away in her crib, I shut the door and walked straight toward the garage. I had a one track mind right now and beating the hell out of something was needed for my anger to escape.

I walked out into the garage, not caring if the door shut behind me and marched over to the bag. The second I was before it, I threw my first punch. Swing after swing I released my anger out on the bag. Each hit grew harder and harder, but after a few moments, I welcomed the pain as my fists continued to connect. I only felt release. Felt the rage starting to simmer from before.

My fist connected with the bag time and time again and I couldn’t stop swinging. I felt like if I stopped that meant I didn’t care about the pain my daughter just endured. That I didn’t feel anything when the woman who’d given me the most precious gift just ignored her pleas, instead turning and walking away.

I was mid-swing when I felt the hand on my shoulder. My instant reaction was to push the person off, only I realized a little too late.

I turned on my heel and watched Delaney sway. My quick reflexes caught her before she could completely fell backward. She was in my arms not even appearing frightened like she should be. No one had ever seen me like this. Not one person had witnessed my rage escaping.

Until now.

Until her.

“Are you alright?” I asked as I stepped away from her and grabbed the towel from off the bench beside the punching bag. The rage dissipated and turned to worry since I could’ve seriously hurt her if I hadn’t stopped myself.

“I came out here to ask you the same thing,” she said as she stepped toward me.

“I’m not sure now’s a good time to talk about what I’m feeling. I should calm down some.” She didn’t want to get me started. She didn’t deserve to be yelled at. And that’s most likely what would occur.

“Now’s a perfect time. Your emotions are high which means you need to get it all out. Grace is asleep, and I have a feeling that you haven’t said a word about how you’ve felt since her mom walked away. So let it out before it consumes you.”

Before I could stop myself all the anger just spewed from my mouth like the venom it truly was. She was right. I’d been poisoned by it enough and now was as good a time as any to release it.

“How does a mother walk away from their child? One they’ve helped nourish and watch grow for two years? She did it without a backward glanced. Signed the dotted line to never see Grace again without even shedding one tear. And today topped the cake. Grace screamed for her. Was running toward her screaming for her mommy and she just turned and walked away. What type of heartless woman does that? And better yet, she didn’t even say why she wanted to leave. I’ve never gotten an explanation which pisses me off even more. I don’t know how to get over it because I don’t know why she just up and left. I know I could’ve treated her better at times and our relationship needed some work, but that was my doing. Not Grace’s. She did nothing but love that woman and got hurt worse than I did in return. It killed me to hear her screaming and knowing that pure heartache would follow,” I screamed, not feeling better in the slightest.

Delaney stood before me, not uttering a word, only shedding tears for the pain that both Grace and myself had to endure.

“I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let another woman get close. And then there’s you. I tried my damnedest to ignore the pull I have when you’re around. How you’ve calmed the rage with your very presence. But I couldn’t fight it anymore. Are you going to up and leave to? I mean you don’t have any reason to stay here. Should I be preparing myself for you to disappear when I least expect it?” I instantly felt like the asshole I was for making this about her when it wasn’t.

I looked down at the floor, refusing to look up and see if I’d caused her to feel any pain. She stepped closer until there was no space between us. She put both hands on the side of my face, lifting my head to look up at her. For the briefest of moments, our eyes locked, both searching for something within the others. I wasn’t quite sure what she was searching for, but I was looking for an answer. Hoping to find that she planned to stay.

“You have no idea, do you? I wouldn’t have started to build a life here if I didn’t plan on staying. I moved in with you when there were other options. I could’ve settled for another house, but I didn’t feel like I should have to. I felt like I should find something I truly wanted since it would give me yet another reason to stay. I wouldn’t have let you or your daughter get attached to me and attached myself to you both in return if I planned on leaving. You silly, silly man. Can’t you see?” she asked. Without waiting for a response, she stood on her toes and pressed her lips softly to mine. The kiss was gentle but full of promise. I wanted to deepen it, but knew now wasn’t the time. We had more to discuss and neither of us needed the distraction.

She pulled away from the kiss but not away from my body. I put both of my hands on her hips, pulling her closer. Trying to gain enough courage to ask her what I’ve wanted to know for months.

“What did you mean that day at Trenton’s gravesite?” I asked, biting the bullet because I couldn’t go another second without knowing.

She didn’t answer right away. She looked away from me for a few seconds and then turned back, her eyes full of hope and promise.

“I meant that you weren’t the only one who was developing feelings. You weren’t the only one who felt guilty because it’d only been four months. I’ve talked to myself over and over again trying to make sense of it all. I’ve never grieved in the usual manner. I’ve always expected someone to leave the moment they entered my life. While I loved Trenton and he will always have a place in my heart, I know he wouldn’t want me to be miserable for months or years on end. He’d want me to be happy. Find someone who’ll love me and this baby just as much as he would. And I believe he led me to that person without even knowing it. What I meant was that I want to see where this goes. I make no promises because my heart still hurts, but I’m open to the possibility of more and for once that doesn’t scare me,” she replied as she put her head on my chest.

I put my finger under her chin so that she’d lift her head up and look at me. Once our eyes locked, I took a moment to relish in their beauty before I brought my lips down to hers. Giving her a kiss of promise. A kiss to express the endless possibilities we were about to embark on.