Committed to You (2 page)

As our relationship grew, the intimacy part of our love kept coming up short. Even worse, I knew he pined for Evie. Anybody within a few feet of him could see the way he drooled over her. Well, everyone but her. She was too busy gawking at him with her own tongue out.

Regardless, my time with Jay had been winding down. He’d been trying to break up with me that whole day, and each time I refused and kept begging him to give me another try. So that evening, I yanked up as much courage as I could and asked her to join our relationship. She promptly cursed me out and walked off, which was such an Evie thing to do. Yet, somehow, Jay managed to convince her. He always had a special way with her.

“Cynthia?” She stared at me for a few more seconds. “Don’t sit over there and be sad, if something is bothering you then come to us. In fact, Jay needs something to do. He sure has enough time to soothe your nerves.”

“I’m fine.” I held my hand out as Jay jumped up to come to me. “Go back to studying.”

Should I wait to tell them that I think I’m asexual? Does it even matter? They already know I don’t like sex, at least not the way normal people should.

I leaned back in my chair and tapped my mouse.
Asexual.
That crazy definition delivered waves of unease through me, even as I checked my email to see if the one reason behind my whole messed up brain had sent me a message. He had. My heartbeats sped up. My fingers shook as I clicked on the email, and checked to see if Jay or Evie had gotten up to come my way. They remained on the bed, now kissing and locked into each other’s arms.

So much for Evie’s studying.

Sometime between me logging into my email account and turning back to look at them, Jay must’ve flipped Evie over. She lay on her back. Jay rested on top, showering her lips with lush, little kisses and slipping his hand into her jeans.

“Jay?” she whispered.

“Just one kiss.” He dove his hand deeper into her pants and nibbled on her chin.

“Mmm.” She closed her eyes and licked her lips. “God, you’re so bad for me.”

“Never.”

Moaning, she rocked her hips into his hands. “Don’t stop.”

“You’re so slippery right there. Can I lick it away?”

She groaned. “Please.”

I turned back to my computer screen as the sounds of unzipping and bed creaking filled the room. Their passion should have done something to me, but it didn’t. My body didn’t react like a normal person’s should have.

But then, I’ve never been normal.

I read the message from him. How could I not? As much as I tried to stay away, to set as much distance between us as possible, he continued to return to me, snatching me back into his twisted pool of desire, so wrong it hurt the logical part of my brain to think about it.

I shouldn’t do this. I really shouldn’t.

But I did, and it felt so good to see his words.

Cynthia,

I miss you. I think of you, more than I should. You say what we did is wrong. I don’t care. Every time I’ve been inside of you, it felt right. Our love feels right. How could two people loving each other be bad? We’re not hurting anybody when we make love, right?

You’ve stopped answering my phone calls. Why? Please answer.

Tantalizing warmth spread across my flesh. My nipples stiffened. My sex clenched with need. Those moments we shared played out in my mind. We should have never had sex. By the time I realized it was wrong, I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, quit.
Which makes me just as disgusting as him.
It took rushing off to college to stop it.

And still, he writes and calls.

I deleted the email and turned back to the only two people in this world who had given me a real chance at being happy. On the bed, Jay lapped at the area between Evie’s thighs and she writhed under him, relishing every wet stroke. The bed creaked as she rocked into his face. Envy suffocated me.

I wish I was normal like them.

But I wasn’t, so I held on to the next best thing. I somehow managed to keep this normal pair around me. They shielded me from
him
, kept me so busy and happy I didn’t cry anymore at night or think about just cutting my wrists and letting all of my blood drip out and down the shower drain.

Evie, Jay, and Cynthia. What an unusual group we are.

Thinking of the email’s words, I brushed my fingers over my stiff nipples. A heated shudder ran through me. A tiny moan escaped my lips.
Maybe, I’m not asexual after all.
Jay rose from between Evie’s legs and glanced back at me. His gaze shifted to my fingers teasing my own breasts. Hints of arousal sparked in my core. I wished more than anything that I could grab at that desire inside of me and flood my body with lust, but I couldn’t. Only
his
words could do it, the one who had broken me.

“You say what we did is wrong. I don’t care. Every time I’ve been inside of you, it felt right.”

Desire spread across my flesh. Not noticing that Jay watched me, Evie unbuckled his jeans and pulled out that long cock that he’d been blessed with. I yanked off my shirt.

Could I do it this time?

Every now and then when they made love, I inched a little closer and tried to participate, in my way—kisses to Jay’s neck and shoulder as he thrust inside of her, or a caresses to his lovely six pack when she rode him. And sometimes, when Evie was in class, I took him into my mouth and swallowed him whole.

I did as much as I could to keep Jay’s mind on me as well as Evie.

If I don’t, I’ll lose him.

It took no genius to see why Jay loved Evie or even the logic for why she adored him, but what was the reason Jay held onto me?

And how can I make sure he never leaves me? Will a few blowjobs here and there, be enough?

“One more day. I’ll do this for one more day.” I applied the last bit of my make-up and checked my image in the mirror. “If he wins tonight, then I’ll break up with him tomorrow so it won’t hurt that bad.”

“It’s going to tear him apart regardless, Heisman trophy or not. Not to mention you told me you were breaking up with them last week and the week before that.” Pipe’s voice sounded over my cell phone. I had him on speaker. Luckily, Jay and Cynthia waited for me downstairs at the hotel bar, so they couldn’t hear our conversation.

“I mean it this time,” I said.

“What’s the problem with being in a threesome?”

Only Pipe would ask that. Anyone else would understand right away.

I turned from side to side. My sleeveless black dress clung just right and gave the impression that I actually had hips and a behind. “Our relationship is weird.”

“Life is weird.”

“No, Pipe. Actually, life is not weird. For you it is, of course, but that’s because you’re freaking unusual. But for the rest of us, it’s pretty normal.”

He laughed. “Sounds boring.”

“It isn’t.”

“I’ll never know.” He coughed on the other line.

“Are you smoking?” I checked the time. “It’s four in the afternoon. Really?”

“Oh no! It’s the afternoon! Oh my God. I had better stop. I should just put this beautifully penis-shaped bong away and go off and volunteer at a nunnery.”

“I’m ignoring you.” I gazed at the shoes I was going to wear tonight. They rested on the other side of the sink and were a work of art. High heels with no heels, instead the shoe arched up at a sexy angle that raised the wearer several inches in the air. Delicate colorful beads covered them and sparkled.

So pretty, but so painful.

“You wish you could ignore me, sister! You wish.” He coughed again. “It’s perfectly fine to smoke in the afternoon. Waking up and smoking a joint for breakfast is when you know you have a problem. I don’t do that. I have my limits. Anyway, I got some fire ganja too. They call it Florida Oranges, baby. The leaves are so sticky you’ll be washing your hands for days to get the scent off.”

“Mmmhmm.”

Silence passed over the line.

“No. Don’t do it,” he said.

“Do what?”

“Whenever you say mmmhmm, you’re thinking about doing something stupid.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“You know what? Fine. I was thinking I might wear flats with this dress.”

Pipe shrieked. Glass shattered on the other line.

I rolled my eyes. “Come on. Is it really that serious?”

“You broke my bong,” Pipe said.

“No, you did.”

“Now I’ll have to call my maid to clean this up and I’d just told her that she was done for the day. You’re making me a mean boss.”

“You may have to call your maid to simply sweep and mop something you could do yourself? Poor Pipe.”

“Evie, you can’t wear flats. I was with Jay when he bought that dress and those shoes. You do not wear that elegant number with flats. You wear them with heels. Beautiful, fuck-me-in-the-ass-while-I’m-eating-expensive-caviar heels. Ones that sparkle and make God separate the clouds of heaven, gaze at them longingly, and weep. You. Don’t. Wear. Flats!”

I held in my laughter. “So that’s a no on the flats?”

“I’m now ignoring
you
.”

“Good because I have to get off the phone anyway so we won’t be late for this pre-ceremony affair.”

“Jay is so going to win. Dad said he’ll sic his team of lawyers on the Heisman committee if Jay doesn’t.”

“He won’t do that.”

“You clearly have forgotten Dad’s obsession with football. He freaking set aside all of his meetings to watch the whole thing on ESPN and is making me watch it with him. A freaking father and son teleconference!”

“Which is why you’re high so early?”

Pipe waited several seconds before finally responding, “He unnerves me.”

“He loves you.”

“Maybe.”

“Definitely.”

“He’s putting aside work to spend some quality time with you.”

“He’s supposed to be retired anyway, but he still goes into the office like an addict. I bet the whole company is so tired of seeing him, but who else does he have to spend time with?”

“His youngest and craziest son.” I grabbed the shoes. “Okay. I should go. Loves.”

“Loves. Air kiss?”

“I really hate this new air kiss thing you’re doing.” I shook my head.

“Air kiss!”

“I did it.”

“You’re such a liar. Fine. I air kissed for both of us. Call me after he gets it.”

“I will.” I stood in the mirror and stared at myself.

It took me a good twenty minutes to get to the lobby. I took my time, walking step by pain-wrenching step. Like Pipe claimed, these shoes would’ve made God cry. They sure had people throughout the hotel turning and checking me out. Granted, I walked as if I was an astronaut on the moon rediscovering gravity, so that could’ve been it too.

I arrived at the hotel’s bar and paused in the doorway. Jay and Cynthia sat together and clinked their water glasses. He said something and she fell into hysterical laughter, causing him to clap his hands and chuckle to himself. Maybe if I were a more secure woman, it wouldn’t have bothered me. It was all so innocent, just two people enjoying their time together. But it really wasn’t just two people. They were lovers too, in their way. Jay tucked a blond strand of her hair behind her ear and planted a gentle kiss on her cheek. Love radiated from his gaze. I bit my lip.

How could he not have affection for her? She’s everything I’m not and more.

The blue dress she wore matched her eyes perfectly and complimented her tan skin. She had her legs crossed and elbow rested on the bar just like an elegant lady should. When Jay asked us to go to the ceremony with him, she’d already had tons of dresses, gowns, shoes, and accessories just ready to be seen, whereas I only had a couple of sundresses and sandals. News reporters rushed to our campus to do a big piece on him. When they interviewed me, I fumbled on words, messed up and said a few curses on film, and even, to my mother’s embarrassment, farted. It wasn’t evident to the average viewer, but … fine, there were several sports enthusiast blog posts on whether the nerdy black chick had farted or was it a microphone error.

It’s not my fault they didn’t edit it out.

They’d been airing the whole piece on ESPN twice a day. Jay thought it was funny. I was mortified, especially after watching Cynthia’s interview. She exuded sophistication. The average person would’ve seen her and thought to themselves,
there’s the next first lady
. With agents already blowing up Jay’s phone, and sportscasters discussing all the teams that would want him when he entered the NFL draft, my place in his life seemed to slowly wither away.

Where would I fit?

Cynthia looked like a trophy wife, one of those captivating women who knew what to wear and what to say. I could see Jay and her strolling down red carpets together, attending celebrity events, and organizing those big expensive charities with the tiny little hors d’oeuvres that I never know how to eat.

What am I doing here?

I almost turned around, but then Jay noticed me and froze me with his gaze. His lips parted as he stood up. “Evie.”