Chasing Cassidy (12 page)

“Eat, Cassidy. Please. We’ll talk but we both need to eat first.”

Nodding my agreement, I begin picking at my food. I’d agree to anything he asked of me in this moment and I’m starving, so there’s no need for either of us to be hungry before we have this talk.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, he turns and looks at me. “I have so many things I need to tell you but I also have a few questions I need you to answer.” He releases a deep breath and sighs and I swear tears are beginning to form in his eyes.

“First and foremost, I need to know if you’re happy I’m here.” My heart breaks at his words because I’d never want Zack to think I don’t want him. Even though I’m sure, after yesterday, he doubts I’ve ever loved him at all.

“Zack, I’ve never been happier about anything in my entire life,” I tell him honestly and am rewarded with a panty-melting smile.

“I’m glad to hear that. This next question is the biggest question I’ve ever asked you. Cassidy, I need to know when you’re going to finally believe that I love you and you’re the only one for me. Think carefully before you answer that because I’m telling you right now, contrary to my former promises, this is
the last
time I’m going to chase after you. My heart can’t take it anymore.”

My heart begins beating rapidly, my fingers gripping the edge of the table until they go numb. This is Zack. I can tell him anything, even the things I haven’t wanted to admit to myself. “Zack, there’s never been a day I haven’t believed in your love for me. Not one.”

He turns to me and pulls my fingers loose from the table and laces them with his. It’s his way of letting me know he gets how hard this is for me.
“Look, I know we haven’t talked about this much, but I also know you are aware of it. My issue with us is that I don’t know how to accept the fact that I’m worthy of the love you give me. I’m not sure if I can ever fully reciprocate those feelings in the way you deserve and…”

Zack places his finger against my lips in an effort to quiet me. “Babe, before you go on I want you to think about love in an abstract way. You fall in love with every single student who walks into your class. I know it from the way you talk… even when you’re frustrated at the booger pickers. I see it with my own eyes when you make sure there’s breakfast in your class for the kids who don’t get one or from the lunch money fund you have people contribute to every year so no kid will ever have to want for lunch. I’ve seen it on the Christmas wish tree you have where families and community members can anonymously donate gifts, as well as ask for help.”

He pauses a moment and removes his finger from my mouth, tracing my lips with it. “The way you love so unselfishly is inspiring. There’s never been a time you haven’t been like a sister to Rylee, always her shoulder to cry on whenever she needs one. And if you think I’ve missed the fact that you put up with my mom and never pointed out her duplicitous ways to Ry, you’d be wrong. You protect the people you love fiercely, including me. I know that’s why you forged ahead with the wedding hating every single second of it, and for that, I don’t have an apology big enough.”

A gasp falls from my mouth. “Zack, no.”

“It’s okay, Cassidy, really. I’ve had some time to think about it since you ran out yesterday. I also had the opportunity to learn how my mom has been tormenting you. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She’s your mom, Zack, and however misguided she is about me, I’d never want to jeopardize your relationship with her. Besides, she’s not entirely wrong. I’ll never be the Stafford wife you need me to be and eventually, that’s going to cause issues for you. I don’t want to be your burden.”

Zack jumps up and paces for a moment until his eyes narrow in determination. He pulls me out of my chair and pushes me up against the wall. When he laces my fingers in his and lifts them above my head, I know I’m in trouble. He presses his forehead to mine and his mouth hovers a breath away from my lips.

“For better or worse, in sickness and in health, mine to cherish, body and soul, for the rest of my life. CHERISH, Cassidy. I will
cherish
you and you could
never
be a burden. For the love of God, can you please try and let go of your preconceived notions of how
my
life is supposed to be? If there was anything I could tell you and know you would believe it, it would be this: God made you for me and he made me for you.”

Tears are falling unbidden and trailing down my cheeks. “Every time I got a beating, I was told I was unlovable and love didn’t exist. For ten years, that is what I heard and
all
I heard. After yesterday, I know no one will ever love me like you and I made a huge mistake by leaving.”

He gives me a sad smile and nods his head as he squeezes his finger in-between our faces and proceeds to wipe away my tears. “I’m trying, Zack, I promise. I’m more determined than ever to get to the point where I not only feel like I love you the way you deserve but also to where I feel like I’m deserving of you.”

His lips gently meet mine. It’s a slow and tender kiss and not once does he attempt to take it any further than his lips against mine. It’s odd in a way and I wonder if it’s because he’s still mad at me. When he pulls away, he leans his forehead back against mine.

“Are you still mad at me?” I ask him softly.

“No, I’m not. I can never stay mad at you for long. I was hurt yesterday, Cassidy. I want you to come and talk to me, and I don’t want you to ever keep another secret from me about your parents or mine. We need to talk about these things. I’ve known things were bad for you, but wasn’t until you let down your guard that I could truly tell how much you’re still affected by them. Baby, you’ve got to let me in, I can’t help you if you don’t. You don’t have to be strong all the time, Cassidy. It’s okay to hurt, just stop hiding it from
me
. You don’t have to be strong for me, let me be strong for you for a change.”

He releases my arms and I wrap them around his waist, needing to feel more of him. “From now on, you need to communicate with me, okay?” I nod, not trusting myself to speak at the moment.

“The next two weeks are ours and I plan on giving you a crash course in undeniable love. When those two weeks are up, if you need more time or just want to stay longer, you let me know. As of yesterday, I’m on an indefinite leave from the company.”

“Oh no! See, Zack, this is
exactly
what I was talking about. You keep having to make sacrifices for me.”

“Cassidy, it’s not a big deal. They have a team of lawyers and
we
are the priority, not work. There’s nothing more important to me than fixing us. I’ve got things planned for us and in between the fun stuff, we’re going to have to talk a few things out.”

Is it possible for your heart to sink and soar at the same time? I’m dreading the conversations I know he wants to have, but I’m elated that he hasn’t given up on me. If his words are true, which I’m sure they are, he has no plans to ever give me up.

“Okay.”

A beaming smile crosses his face with that single word. “So, tell me how much exploring of the house did you do last night and this morning?”

The house? Oh yeah, he called it
our
house. What is that all about?

“Virtually none, honestly. I made it up the walk into the front room and kitchen, out here where I fought off a panic attack, and to the first bathroom in the hallway.”

A sigh of relief escapes him and I glance at him curiously.

“When we were planning our honeymoon and mentioned Hawaii, you seemed so excited. I hated the idea of spending our honeymoon in a hotel and thought we could use a vacation house. Or even a permanent residence if you wanted to live here and get away from our parents. So… I bought this house for us as a wedding gift.”

“This house is ours?” I’m shocked but the love in his eyes is unmistakable.

“It is and I was mostly upset because I didn’t get to see your face when you saw it and took a tour of it. More than anything, I wanted to experience that with you.”

“And,” he says, nuzzling into my neck and kissing me gently, “I was looking forward to christening each and every room you wanted to as we took the tour.”

Damn. His words are filled with need and my body instantly reacts to the tone. I need him.

“Well, how about we christen this chaise lounge right now?”

“Tsk tsk tsk, Cassidy, you’ve missed the window for unlimited sex,” he says, letting his lawyer tone take over again.

“What? There’s no window for sex!”

“Oh, but there is, my little vixen. It seems like you
need
to be reminded why we are meant to be. Why your name is supposed to be Mrs. Zachary Stafford. It’s my privilege to remind you of exactly that. So, first, I’m going to give you a tour and then I’ll show you my plans for today.”

Zack pulls my hand excitedly and leads me into the house.
Our house.
I still can’t believe he bought us a house.

“You’ve already seen the kitchen and the living room, but I’ll just point out some details for you. See those speakers up in the corners?” Excitement is bouncing off his body as his grip on my hand tightens.

“Yes.”

“That is surround sound that goes through the entire house. Every single room is linked in so you can blast your favorite playlist whenever you want and hear it through the entire house. Or… once we have a baby, we can link the monitor into the speakers and hear the baby from wherever we are.” The twinkle in his eyes is bright. Zack can’t wait to be a dad; he had told me he wanted to start trying as soon as we were married.

“Next, the grey granite with the blue specks in the kitchen was picked specifically because the blue matches the color of your eyes and because you’ve always wanted that slate grey granite.” He thought of what I would want down to the color of the granite. My heart feels like it’s going to explode.

“Now, if you would have gone a little further down the hall, you would have come to the home gym.” When he opens the door, the room is flooded with natural lighting. It’s a big room and has everything we could ever need in a gym—bike, elliptical, treadmills, weights, yoga mats, flat screen TV, and gorgeous ceiling fans.

“This remote right here controls all the built-in blinds. Each room in the house has one and they all work the same way. The blinds slide up and down and are blackout since the windows are floor to ceiling. Some rooms still have plantation shutters over them because blackout blinds aren’t really practical all the time and I know how much you love the shutters. We’ve got the best of both worlds.”

My heart is dancing in my chest; I can’t believe he bought us a house. Our first house, one that should be filled with laughter, love, and children. A chill passes through me when I think about children. How will I ever know if I can fulfill a child’s needs? Could I love a child the way they need and deserve to be loved? Oh well, this is not the time to think about that.

Zack pulls me from the room and opens the next door. It’s a laundry room, which apparently doesn’t need any explaining because he closes the door quickly after letting me peek inside. The next room is a guest room and it’s obvious this is where he slept last night. His tux is strewn across the floor and the bed is unmade.

“I missed you so much last night,” he tells me as he pulls me in for a hug. “It took everything I had not to pick you up and bring you in here with me, but there are so many reasons why I couldn’t.”

Swallowing over the lump in my throat, I look into his bright green eyes. “I’m so sorry.” I fight back a sob as he pulls me closer.

“I know you are, baby, and it’s okay. We’re going to work through this, Cassidy. The two of us can work through anything.” The sobs finally escape and the tears fall again. Why do I have to be so messed up that I can’t believe in love when it’s been staring me in the face for years? Zack pulls us onto the bed and hugs me tight as I cry it all out.

“When I got off the plane last night, I was wasted and although he was amused, Pete took me to get some food so I could sober up. It gave us a chance to catch up and for him to fill me in on how you were doing. He told me about your panic attack. God, Cassidy, I’m such and ass. I’m so sorry I didn’t realize the wedding was what was causing them again.”

“Zack, no,” I cut him off with my sharp tone and check myself before continuing. “Please, I don’t want you to think I was afraid to marry you. It was the massive wedding, the public spectacle it was becoming, and the fact that at every turn your mom was reminding me I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“That bitch!” he bites out in anger as he pulls me closer to him. “Cassidy, I didn’t know she was doing that to you
or
that she paid off your parents.”

“Wait, what? What did she pay my parents for? Why would she pay my parents for anything? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I don’t know. I thought you knew since she mentioned it in her last text to you yesterday.”

Oh shit, he read our messages.

“Zack, I turned off my phone after I told her I didn’t want her money. I just couldn’t deal with anything after that.”

“I figured as much. I mean, I didn’t know when you turned it off but I know you and I knew you would want to get far away before trying to deal with anything. It’s probably a blessing the paparazzi found me at the airport. It’s all over the news. That’s why I had Pete bring you here. He wasn’t joking… the hotel is full of money grubbing women and reporters.” 

My tears have stopped completely now and when I look up at his beautiful face, his features are filled with sadness.

“Have I ever told you you’re the only woman who actually stimulates me in conversation?”

That’s an odd question. I shake my head no and he continues.

“Pete asked me questions last night about other women and why I’m not interested. A big part of why is because no one amuses, challenges, and stimulates my mind the way you do. A
huge
part is because I love you more than I love anything. But I also realized there is this tiny part that loves you because who I am doesn’t affect how you see me.”