BWWM: BEFORE I WAKE: A Bad Boy Billionaire Book Collection (African American Interracial Series) (377 page)

CAMILLA

              Quickly enough the afterglow was gone and the past came crashing down on top of me. I couldn’t breathe and I had to get out of there. I slid away, looking for my clothes. Colin sat up, looking confused.

              “What the fuck just happened Cami?”

I didn’t answer him. I was wondering how I was going to get home in a cab with the buttons ripped off my shirt.

“Camilla!” He never called me that. It shocked me back into the moment and I stood there blinking.

“What’s going on, baby? Are you freaked out about me saying I want babies with you?”

              I felt like I was going to throw up. “I can’t do this right now, Colin. I need some air. I can’t breathe.”

              The tears had started their slow descent down my face. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about it, but I refused to let myself cry over it anymore. I had cried a river over it back then.

              Colin jumped up to meet me. He was standing nude and radiant in front of me looking like a sex god. I know I don’t have the kind of willpower it will take to walk away if he touches me again. I took a step back as he reached for me.

              “Fuck, alright!” He puts his palms up. “I won’t touch you, okay? But you need to tell me what the hell just happened here.”

              I was sobbing by that point and trying to pull on my still wet panties. “We made a baby already Colin, okay? We made a baby and when I went to tell you, you didn’t act like you gave a shit about me moving or anything else. So I left….”

              “We… what?” He looked thoroughly confused now. I suddenly felt bad for him. He didn’t know…No! I wasn’t going to take this on myself, again.

              “Yeah, I was pregnant. I told myself that when I went to tell you that I was leaving with my mom, if you were upset and you begged me not to go, that would mean you loved me. Then, I was going to tell you. But you didn’t beg me not to go. Hell, you practically threw me a party and packed my bags.”

              “Oh bullshit! You should have told me instead of playing games about it. You shouldn’t have had to test me. You should have just asked me how I felt about it!” His eyes looked shocked and hurt.

              “I had no idea how you felt about me. You were a selfish, spoiled, arrogant little boy that was waist deep in your father’s work. What part of that was I supposed to think would make a good father, Colin?”

              “Where is the baby Cami? Where is our child?” He scans my face, his eyes filled with pain.

              “There is no child, Colin!” I struggle into my skirt and then put on my bra as I sit down on the bed to put on my shoes. Colin grabbed me by my shoulders and stood me back up.

              “Get the fuck off of me! Who do you think you are?”

              “Me? Who do I think I am? You just drop a bomb like that and now you just leave? What the fuck did you expect?”

              He wasn’t hurting me, but his touch made me want to fall into his arms. “Please Colin, let go of me.”

              I wanted to sob against his chest. I wanted to cry for our baby with his strong arms wrapped around me. He did as I asked and let go of me, stepping aside for me to get dressed. I cursed the fact that he wasn’t a bigger asshole.

              His eyes softened and I could see him physically trying to get himself under control. “Please Cami, tell me what happened.”

              I sat back down. My legs were shaking so hard I was afraid I’d fall down. I took a deep, shaky breath and began.

“I found out I was pregnant right before the school year ended. I was so afraid because my parents were fighting all the time and I hardly ever saw you anymore. I’d pretty much blown off all my friends that entire year because of you and work and everything else..”

I felt him sit down next to me on the bed but I didn’t look up. I didn’t stop. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to start again.

“I tried to tell you on the phone once. It was on the tip of my tongue, but you cancelled our date that night because you had to do something for your dad. I was hurt and angry but I had to tell someone. I had a good cry over it and then I went to my mom.”

His hand brushed my back and I could feel the heat coming from his body and flowing into mine.

“I told her that I was pregnant and we both cried. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I didn’t feel like I had “choices.” I didn’t want to abort the baby and I could never give up a baby that you and I made for adoption. I loved you too much but we were young...”

              “Oh Cami. I’m…”

              “Let me finish,” I sighed heavily. “I told her I was going to have the baby. That night, we told my dad together. I was shocked because he wasn’t even mad. He told me he loved me and they would be there for me no matter what. That was when my mom told me she was moving to Springfield. She got a job there and her and my dad weren’t getting along…they told me I could choose where I wanted to stay.”

              “You chose to leave me?” His voice sounded strangled and I met his eyes. There was so much pain filled there.

              “No, Colin. I chose to stay. But the next day when I went to tell you about everything and the baby…do you remember what you said to me?”

              He drew his brows together like he was thinking about it. “I remember asking you why and telling you we could.. maybe...”

              “Your memory of it is different than mine. You said ‘Why?’ and I told you my parents were splitting up. Then you asked me if my mom was making me go, remember?”

              “Yeah, you said she wasn’t and I got pissed.”

              “Yes. You told me that it was probably better for me to go because you had too much to do for your father to be dating at that time anyways. You kissed me on the lips…but it was like a peck, and then you said you had to go.”

              “But I didn’t know about the baby…”

              “No, but I told myself that if you didn’t love me and I told you about the baby… I thought that you’d take me and the baby on out of guilt or responsibility or whatever and I didn’t want that either. I didn’t want you to think I was manipulating you just for us to stay together.”

              “It was my responsibility, Cami. It should have also been my choice to make too.”

              “You didn’t want any more responsibilities, Colin. Your father was driving you into the ground. He was trying to make you into what he was…is, and at that time of your life, you didn’t know anything else. He said that… Family came first and everything else including me and you came far later. So, I left with my mother. About three weeks after we moved, I… I got really sick and.. lost the baby.” My voice trembled as I held it together.

              “Oh Cami. Baby, I’m so sorry. I wish you would have told me. All I wanted was to be with you…”

              My head rushed with anger. I jumped back up off the bed.

“Stop saying that Colin! You keep saying that like I made the wrong choice. I was sixteen years old and pregnant. I was scared to death and I had a boyfriend who to this day has no idea how incredibly self-absorbed he was. I thought about telling you every day…even after I lost the baby. But the thing that stopped me from even telling you was that once I was gone Colin, you didn’t even call. You… you didn’t fucking call. You didn’t come looking for me. I felt so alone. God, I have to get out of here.”

Colin was still sitting on the edge of the bed looking stunned. I opened his dresser and took out a t-shirt. I slipped it on and looked at him one last time before I walked out the door. He didn’t come after me and that hurt too. My head pounded and my heart ached. I should have never gotten involved again.

COLIN

              I sat on the edge of the bed and listened to the only woman I ever cared about…the only one I ever imagined a life with, walk out the door. I wanted to go after her…but wasn’t I about eight years too late? I had let her walk away with my baby in her belly. She was just a kid. She was a kid who thought that I didn’t love her enough because I was too busy wrapped up in my own stupid, fucking life. I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. She was right.

Off and on over the years I would allow myself to think about her and the life we could have had. Now there would have been a baby in there too?

I felt wet tears at the corners of my eyes now. Dammit. Would she still have lost the baby if I’d been with her? Possibly….but I would have been there for her. She wouldn’t have had to go through that alone.

She said I was too selfish to beg her to stay all of those years ago, and she was partly right. I was in that place where I was actually considering my father’s life. Because I was his son I felt entitled to certain things. I cared deeply for her, so I felt entitled to her love in return. Did I want to beg her to stay? Absolutely. Was that acceptable to my way of life at the time? Absolutely not.

Braden McShannon’s boys didn’t beg for anything. They were given what they wanted, or they took it by force. But was that all that stopped me from begging her? No, not even close. I think...I think I would have had I thought I was good enough for her.

The truth was that at that time I was a thug…plain and simple. Sure, I was rich and spoiled, but that didn’t change the fact that I was a thug. It was what my father taught me how to be and it was what I thought lay before me for the rest of my life. I was too young at the time to even envision a way out. 

I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything, even then. But I wasn’t going to beg her to stay with me. She might be surprised to know that it wasn’t because I thought I was too good…but because I didn’t think I was good enough. She deserved so much better than the kind of life my mother had…and even then I knew that.

Now things are so different. My father is out of my life. That life is in my past. I have a business I run with my brothers….legitimately. I have everything I need because I worked for it and not because I took it from anyone.

Now, I deserved a woman like her…and for a second I thought that I was going to get a second chance. I reached for her pillow and breathed in the scent of her. Nothing makes you realize how much you love and appreciate someone more than losing them.

I didn’t get back up that night. I laid in bed awake for most of it, trying to figure out what to do. Should I just be thankful for the time I had with her and let her go on with her life? Should I go after her? I knew what I wanted…but what is it that she wants? She’s the one who walked away this time. She has a life now. She’s not a kid anymore.

I agonized through the night and finally early the next morning I called my go to person when it came to things like this….my mother.

“Hi Ma.”

“Hello my Colin. Why do you sound so sad?” I chuckled, she always knew. She didn’t even have to see my face. Then she surprised me again.

“Is it Camilla? I saw you talking to her at the wedding.”

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?” I could hear the smile in her voice.

“How do you always know what I’m feeling and what’s going on in my life before I even do sometimes?”

“I’m a mom. It’s what I do. Talk to me, my son.”

“I don’t know what to do Ma. I realized last night that I still love her. I loved her back when we were kids, but I let myself come to believe that it wasn’t real love because we were young, you know? Now that I’ve seen her again I realize that I was wrong about that. I love her. She’s the only woman I ever want to even imagine myself being in love with.”

“Did you tell her?”

“No. Some things came up…about our past…”

“When she left and you lost your mind?”

I laughed. That period when I was sleeping with one woman after the other and not treating any of them very well, was the one period in my life when my mother and I didn’t get along. She’d even told me she was ashamed of me. That hurt worse than a punch in the gut.

“Yeah. She thought I didn’t want her because I didn’t ask her to stay.”

“So, you didn’t learn anything?”

“Yes of course I did. I wish I would have begged her to stay…”

“That’s not learning. That’s wishing. Did you learn anything that will keep you from repeating that same mistake again, Colin?”

“I hope so…” I run my hands through my hair.

“I don’t think so. You’re calling me instead of her. You’re letting her go again. You just told me that you didn’t tell her how you felt…again.”

“Ugh...Shit.”

“Watch the language.” Her voice smiles again.

“Sorry Ma. You’re right! I need to tell her.”

“Yes, you do.”

“What if she still doesn’t want me though?” I sounded lovesick and pathetic but I didn’t care.

“It takes courage to tell someone how you feel. It also takes a big person to want someone you love to be happy…even if it means not being happy wit
h
yo
u
. I happen to know you Colin Michael McShannon and I know that you are both courageous and a big person. Go tell that girl how you feel. Don’t make the same mistake twice and have live with the same old regrets, son.”

“Ma?”

“Yes?”

“You’re amazing, you know that?”

“Yes son, I do know.” She laughed. I laughed too.

“I love you, Ma.”

“I love you more. Go talk to your girl.”

I ended the call and then I called a guy that used to work for my father. He quit before my father was arrested. He was like me and my brothers, he had a conscience and that business just wasn’t working for him. He’s a private investigator now with his own business.

“Hey Mac, I need a favor.”

“What’s that, Colin?”

“I need you to find someone for me.”

“Okay, give me what you’ve got.” I gave him her name and I told him that she worked for a law firm somewhere in the city. It wasn’t a lot to go on, but if anyone could find her, he could. I hung up the phone and while I waited, I packed. Taking the boat out now is just what I needed to do to clear my head.

When I finished packing, I called my brother Patrick.

“Hey little brother, what’s up?”

“Pat, I’m going to take the yacht out for a few days…maybe a week. I just need to get away for a while…”

“Camilla?”

I laughed. “You inherited Ma’s knack for that didn’t you?”

“It’s an older brother thing.”

I laughed again. “She said it was a “mom” thing. Maybe that means you’re like an old woman.”

“An
d
you’r
e
an asshole. Do you want my blessing on your time off or not?”

“Pat, I’m an equal partner. I don’t need your blessing!”

“Then why the fuck did you call me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to worry Mommy.”

He mocked me with kisses. “Be safe.” I hung up smiling. It’s good to have family.

The day dragged on and finally as I was sitting down to eat dinner I got a phone call from Mac. He gave me her address and even the name and address of the law firm where she works. I thanked him and hung up.

I took the bag I’d packed with me and headed to Boston Common’s where Mac said she lives.

I found the apartment house and suddenly I felt nervous. It was a converted three story Victorian mansion that looked like it had been built in the late 1800’s. It was painted a soft yellow with white trim and each window held a window box with flowers in it. It looked like exactly the kind of place she would live.

I took the stairs up two at a time until I got to the third floor. I found her apartment easily and knocked. I could hear voices coming from the inside. God, this was gonna suck.

When Cami pulled open the door she was smiling. But when she saw me, the smile faded and her face registered shock.

“Co.. Colin? What are you doing here?” My name sounded breathy and my cock stirred. Her golden eyes shone up at me and I remembered the way she’d scrunched her nose when she came. So beautiful.

In the background I could see her ex inside and another stunned couple around the kitchen island. I told myself that it didn’t matter. I was going to say what I came to say.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you, Cami. I just have to talk to you real quick and then I’m off to take the yacht out for a few days. I don’t expect anything from you…but I have to say this.”

“This probably isn’t the time….” She looked over her shoulder. Thomas approached looking defensive. That fucking annoyed me.

“Is everything okay Camilla?” He was giving me the eye like I was supposed to be intimidated. I wasn’t. Not even close.

“It’s fine Thomas. She’s fine.” He glared at me but went back over to the other couple, but they were all dead silent…listening.

“Say what you need to say, Colin.” Her beautiful eyes peeked up at me and I felt like a teenage boy all over again. My heart drummed in my ears
.
Say it, McShannon.

“I love you. My heart shattered the second you walked away yesterday… again. But it will always love you. I’ll always cherish the time we had together and I’ll always mourn the life that we could have had. I want you and I will never stop wanting you, but above all else, I want you to be happy. I made the mistake of not telling you all of that once before. I didn’t want to repeat that same mistake.”

The air between us hung thick with emotion. I could see her throat working to speak but she didn’t say a word. Her eyes held so many words before she looked at the ground.

From behind her I heard her ex laugh and say something to the others who laughed as well. I didn’t give a fuck, as long as Cami knew how I feel. 

“I wish you nothing but the best of everything, Cami. Goodbye honey.” I whispered just for her and turned around to walk away.

In my fantasy…. she came after me. But in the harsh light of reality, she let me go. I got in my car and drove the few miles to the harbor feeling heavier than I wanted to. I’d meant every word. So why was my heart breaking again?