Bull: A Steamy Billionaire Romance Novel (9 page)

“I’m sorry,” I added finally. 
Jared leaned over and kissed my forehead, still silent.  His calm made me
nervous and I noticed he wasn’t looking at me.  I was terrified I’d lose the
only other man I loved.

“I don’t mind,” he admitted. 
“And I understand.  I guess that swinger’s party wasn’t the best idea of mine. 
I’m sorry for dragging you into all of this.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. 
Was he actually apologizing to me?  I told him he was crazy, that he had
nothing to apologize for, and then we returned to silence.  We stayed that way
until dusk turned to night and the street lamps trickled in through our
windows.

---

A week went by with my car
still in the parking lot and me staying home.  I stopped calling in after the
first few days and even considered quitting.  Jared told me to think it through
the weekend to be sure, but I couldn’t fathom how I would go back.  It wasn’t
as if Ethan had bothered to contact me either.  As far as I knew he was glad I
left, and that’s just what I told myself.

I spent the week catching up on
chores around the house, trying to return to something normal.  The days passed
effortlessly and time sped up the longer I was home.  I didn’t bother bathing
since I was trying to forget my body even existed.  I became nothing more than
a thought, a broken spirit haunting my old routine.

I was content in my emptiness
until Thursday of that week.  I logged into our home computer to see Jared’s
email left open, displaying a second invitation to one of Ethan’s parties.  The
address burned a hole through me.  I still remembered that night vividly.

I knew why Jared hadn’t told me
about the invitation.  I knew he wanted to protect me, so I did him the
courtesy of pretending I never saw it.  Unfortunately my mind wouldn’t do the
same for me.

That night in a restless sleep
I dreamed of Ethan Sloane.  We were in an arena surrounded by spectators
cheering and I was in a satin red dress that flowed around me like waves.  I
was alone for a time, soaking in the attention from the crowd, wondering what I
did to deserve their praise.

The sun beat down on me and
beads of sweat formed on my neck and chest, but the warmth was comforting. 
Then I heard huffing and stomping across from me.  I turned my head in its
direction and saw a bull ready to charge.  I was the target of a bullfight. 

No matter how hard I tried my
feet were planted in the sand.  I watched in slow motion as the bull leapt
toward me, almost graceful in his aggression.  I closed my eyes and waited for
the tearing of my flesh, surrendering to my death.  When nothing came I opened
them again.

There before me was the bull,
dead, with an arrow through him.  I searched the arena for a sign of my savior
to see Ethan Sloane to my right with a bow in his hand.  I made a run toward
him but he turned and disappeared before I could reach him.

I woke up drenched in sweat and
with the return of my heartbreak.  I couldn’t tell you what the dream meant,
but it felt like falling from a great height, and I was left broken on the
ground below.

The next morning I received a
phone call from my immediate superior.  I was to show up Monday or risk losing
my position.

“To be honest, I’m not sure I’m
coming back,” I replied.

“Vanessa, you don’t want to
lose an opportunity like this,” he said.  “Clear your head over the weekend and
come back fresh on Monday.  Besides, we definitely need you on our team.”  His
compliment didn’t sway me like he thought it would, but my dream was beginning
to.

I hung up the phone and sat
idly at the kitchen table.  I fell into a daze that extended beyond the kitchen
window, past the neighborhood streets and the city limits.  I wandered back
into Ethan’s arms and sighed relief.

That afternoon I received an
email from Ethan:

“See you Monday, Mrs. Banks,”
is all it said.

I felt a coldness building in
response to his curt message. 
That’s all he could say to me?
  I was
furious.  I picked up the phone and dialed his office so fast my head was
spinning. 

His receptionist answered and
said he was in a meeting.  I had her take a message and obsessively watched my
phone the rest of the evening.  He didn’t bother calling back.

My blood was boiling by the
time Jared came home and I couldn’t decide whether I should tell him or not.  I
foolishly kept it hidden and it exploded in an attack against him later.

“You want to go back to that
place don’t you?” I accused him.

“What place, Vanessa?”

“Ethan’s swinger party, I saw
your invitation.”  I crossed my arms but couldn’t look at him.

“Am I not supposed to open any
invitations?  I just gave it a once over and decided against mentioning it.  I
knew you wouldn’t be up for it, but I’m sorry you saw it.”

“Well if you want to go so
badly, let’s go then.”  I knew this wasn’t about him but about me.  I was
trying to see Ethan again and couldn’t wait through the weekend.  I was also
unable to admit this to Jared.

“I don’t think it’s a good
idea,” he whispered.  He moved toward me and placed his hands on my shoulders,
“you’ve been through so much and were finally starting to get better.”

I could feel tears clouding my
eyes as I looked at him.  He held me close and his clean smell filled my nose
making me nostalgic for Ethan’s woodsy scent.

I almost gave up when I
remembered I was still without my car.  I knew I had to confess my intentions
to Jared, and convincing him I’d be okay was going to be a challenge.

“I have to see him,” I admitted
shamefully.  “It’s eating me alive.”

I expected him to put up a
fight, either to protect me or to possess me, but he just replied with,
“okay.”  I kicked myself for putting him through this and for not being able to
move on.  I was bruised by my own thoughts and fought sleep again all Friday
night.  Every time I closed my eyes I saw my dream bull, charging at me, then
laying dead.  I saw Ethan walking out on me.

I bathed for the first time
that week and it felt like a rebirth.  I watched ripples diffuse through the
water where I laid my hands and let the patterns take the shape of my reality. 
I was swimming in uncertainty and trying not to drown.

Jared’s car hummed pleasantly
along.  The sound of the engine wrapped around me like a shawl and I sank into
the realization that I was actually going to see Ethan again.  I was too tired
to be nervous and I contemplated what I would say.  I didn’t have any fucking
idea.

I wanted to break the silence
between me and Jared but nothing I thought of was fitting.  I wanted to crack a
joke to let him know this wouldn’t be a big deal, that I wasn’t about to
completely lose my mind, even if I totally was.  But I looked over at him a few
times and he just stared blankly ahead at the road in front of him.

I wondered if he was breaking
down, if he feared losing me.  I had no plans to leave him, but I had no plans
at all so far.  I just flew down that country road in the dark, wearing a deep
blue dress for Ethan, and everything, the trees and the AC, were stirring
around me.

Jared’s hands seemed tense
around the steering wheel and his composure rattled me into worry.  I felt
selfish and cruel.  I comforted myself by one thought. 
If he was truly
upset, he’d say something
.  But I had quickly forgotten his nature.  He was
always cool under pressure.

In a matter of seconds the car
slammed forward to a halt, and my seatbelt dug into my chest.  I looked up to
see the damage and was caught in the gaze of a wild deer.  She was frozen in our
headlights and her eyes held a universe worth of stars, sparkling back at me. 
Her tiny nose wrinkled trying to figure us out without being noticed. 

She was absolutely beautiful in
the spotlight with legs that stretched for miles and thick brown fur.  When she
ran off into the woods I finally caught my breath.  I stared in the direction
of her trail, oblivious to how much time had passed.

My gaze was broken by the sound
of sobbing next to me.  Jared was crying for the first time since I’ve known
him.  I reached my hand to his shoulder but he shrugged it off and got out of
the car.

I was taken aback and wasn’t
sure what my next course of action should be.  I decided to chase him against my
better judgement.  I didn’t bother closing the door when I got out, and watched
winged insects fly in and out of the car.

I found him on the side of the
road with his arms crossed, kicking the dirt below.  He was no longer crying
but was focused on his feet.

“Jared-“ I began, but wasn’t
sure where to go, so we stood aimlessly in silence, aglow from our own
headlights.  I looked down the road in front of us and my mind flashed back to
that first night.  I thought of his cool excitement and remembered the creases
on my fingers.  I finally found the words.

“Jared.  I know this was
supposed to be an adventure.  We were supposed to open ourselves up to flings
and meaningless sex.  I wasn’t supposed to fall in love, or get my heart
broken.”

Like a stubborn child he
continued kicking rocks while I poured my heart out.  Our car dropped to a low
humming from the idleness and I continued.

“I feel foolish, actually, caring
so much about something that was supposed to be meaningless.  I thought my love
for you would keep me at a distance, but I’ve found so much more than I
anticipated.  My heart is so vulnerable and open, but I’m learning just how
full it can become.”  The wind picked up as I finished and stirred grounded
leaves into the air toward the stars.

Before I knew it I had a pair
of hands on my cheeks and a set of lips kissing me.  Jared was crying through
his kiss and shook with a passion I didn’t know he had.

His ardor crashed into me and I
soon matched the nervous vibration of his body next to mine.  He didn’t let up
on kissing and I didn’t push him back.

His fingers traced my arms from
tense shoulders to the hands at my waist and he held them gently as he pulled
his lips away, looking into me with a new intensity.  He left me speechless.

“I have to know I won’t lose
you, Vanessa,” he said finally.  “I would be a wreck without you.”  He clenched
his jaw to hold back his fear.  I assured him he would never lose me.  I
described my undying gratitude to him for allowing me this experience.  We
talked for what felt like hours, in the cool night, in our headlights. 
Eventually we returned to our seats in the car, on our way to one of Ethan
Sloane’s very memorable swinger’s party.

Jared seemed different that
night.  After our conversation he had a confidence that seemed inspired rather
than controlled.  He smiled occasionally and looked at me often. 

In the distance, the road faded
into pitch black and I returned to the thought of Ethan that first night.  I
thought how bizarre it would be to know his name and his face, yet see him in
the mask from that night.  I couldn’t picture it, and in my mind I removed the
mask from his face to more clearly see those silver eyes.

As his eyes stared into me,
they flickered into a soft yellow and soon we were at his front gate.

The air was warmer than the
first night but still cool enough to give me chills.  I looked up at his castle
and was no less amazed than the first time I saw it.  I imagined Ethan inside
running around with various naked women, having his way with them and was
surprised at my acceptance of this.  I wanted him to be as happy as he’s made
me, even if it ended in my own demise.

Jared and I sat in the car for
a few minutes, daring the other to get out first.  I was preparing myself to
see Ethan for the first time since he hurt me, and I still had no clue what to
say.  I decided that it wouldn’t matter if I had the words, because they’d
probably escape me when I saw those eyes anyway.