Body Language: 101 (2 page)

For example, girl’s feet when pointed inwards say that she would rather be by herself; she is not comfortable. A salesperson’s feet, if dancing, would mean that he is excited that he is about to close a deal/ make a sale. If two people are talking and one of them has his upper body leaning towards the other, but feet pointing outward it means that he wants to leave.

Isn’t it fascinating how eloquently the feet can speak?

The way a person sees you for the first time does imprint itself on the mind and the body’s reaction will for a long time respond to that image of you. This is why it is important to make that “first impression” a good one.  This means that your whole body speaks the same language.

For example, you are going for an interview for a middle management or entry level position. They are looking for a dependable, grounded person with solid background in marketing. You arrive with an impeccable academic track record, good experience and speak great – but have a tribal tattoo on your neck, an earring and combed your hair like a mafia don. Do you think you’ll land the job?

Let us look at another scene. You’re negotiating a big deal for your company and you want to come across confident and dependable. You give a limp and sweaty handshake, your hands aren’t still for one moment and your eyes are darting to and fro the room. Do you think you are inspiring the company’s representative with trust and confidence?

It is very important that you know what your body is saying, just as much you know how to read what the other person’s body is saying. Communication, after all, is a two-way road.

Body language signals are not always readable as given in the book. Sometimes – in fact, most of the times – you need to pay attention to the context to the able to read accurately what you see. Also, there are myths that abound around body language that could throw you off pretty bad.  It is important that you are aware about some of these most often encountered myths so you do not end up in an awkward or even dangerous situation because you misread the signals.

Truth
: Not necessarily. Basically, not meeting the eyes means the person is not comfortable with what he is doing or saying. There could be 1001 reasons why the person is not comfortable – other than lying. On the other hand, a practiced liar would actually meet your eyes square on and tell you a lie without blinking. Might shift the eyes after he told the lie; but one can tell a lie while looking you straight in the eye. 

Hence, not all the people who cannot look you in the eye are telling lies; as not all people who look you in the eye, are telling you the truth. You need to look for a combination of other telltale signs to make an accurate observation.

It is worthwhile to mention here that most people process information with the help of their feelings, hearing and sight. Hence, if they are visualizing it they will look up; if they want to hear it, they will look from side to side; if they are feeling it, they would look down on their hands and feet. Looking up, side to side or to the hands – all mean that a process of thinking/ judging is taking place. This is definitely not even close to lying.

Truth
: While it is true that people would normally cross their arms when they want to put a barrier between something and themselves, it does not always mean that. Sometimes, it’s too cold and you cross your arms. Sometimes, that is the most comfortable position – for example, when the chair does not have arm rest. Sometimes, crossing arms means the person is thinking something in depth and with great concentration.

You need to look beyond the posture in most cases, to get the real picture. Check the context before you draw any conclusions. On the other hand, avoid crossing your arms across your chest while you are meeting new people lest you’ll be read as uninterested or hostile.  

Truth
: The common belief is that hiding something makes a person uncomfortable and hence, the person comes across as fidgety. Once again, you need to look at this aspect in context. Suppose the person is facing an important interview, presentation, or any such event which is of critical importance, it is normal for a person to be slightly nervous. It is nervousness that makes people fidget. If the situation is stressful, some degree of fidgetiness is acceptable.

Truth
: People who are nervous may sometimes talk fast. People who are overenthusiastic about something will talk fast. Also people who are anxious to convince you about something they feel is either very important to you or to them, will talk fast. Lastly, sometimes people talk fast because that is the way they talk.

Before you draw your conclusions, ensure that you understand the background. It is always good to look for other telltale signs before deciding that the person who talks fast is not to be trusted.

This is often the idea with people who make presentations or require giving speeches. The truth is that however well prepared you are words are never enough. For over half-an-hour two people can exchange about 800 non-verbal signs. Do you still think you don’t need to prepare for the non-verbal side of the conversation?

No matter how good you get at reading body language, you may never feel that you have perfected it because this is such a vast subject. However, there are a few basics that will always help you get a fair idea of what is going on. The first and foremost skill you’ll need to develop is a keen observation.

You need to start looking for the telltale signs – but this must be done naturally and in tandem with your verbal communication unless you want to completely freak the other person out completely. The telltale signs are:

Inconsistencies
– is the body language in sync with the verbal language? Is the person saying “yes” while the body is saying “no”?

Non-verbal communication grouped
– one single gesture may not really mean too much. Do not read too much there. Rather, pay attention to clusters of group signals that are sent – like the tone of the voice, facial expression, eye movement, hands movements, etc. What do they say together?

Tune in to your gut feelings
– most people “know” what the other actually says. You will have that gut feeling that this person is not actually telling the truth, or is not interested or that he is preoccupied with something else – don’t ignore your gut feeling just because the person is saying the opposite so eloquently.

Be aware and more careful when your gut feeling is sending you warning signals. Watch closely for body language cues that don’t match the words.

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Eye contact
– is the eye contact just right? Or is it furtive or too intense?

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Facial expression
– is the face responsive? Is it a mask of indifference? Is it hard and unforgiving? Is it animated with interest? Does it match the words?

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Tone of the voice
– there is 1001 ways to say “come here” or “thank you”. Try it. Say it with surprise, anger, sadness, eagerness, happiness and so on. The tone of voice can tell you plenty. Do you find warmth there or coldness? Is it strained? Is it confident or timid? Is it challenging or encouraging? Sometimes, a mere “how are you” could set the pace of the discussion.

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Posture of the body and gestures
– take a quick look at how the person is holding his body. Is it stiff and unfriendly? Is it “I’m into you” type? Is it slouched and dejected? Is it tense – are shoulders rigid and raised? Is the upper body turned one side while feet are another? Are the hands gestures within the body frame or move much outward?

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Touch
– is there touching? If yes, is it appropriate? Is the person invading your safety zone? Is the touching dominating or friendly? Does it make you feel good, annoys you or it fills you with dread?

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Intensity of the personality
– is the person too melodramatic? Too quiet? Too cold? Too dangerous? Too flat?

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Timing and pace of the conversation/ dialogue
– is the verbal communication too fast that it looks impatient? Or too slow that it looks uninterested? Do the non-verbal signals keep up with the words – or is the mouth saying something and the body language something else.

All these are signals that will tell you what the other person is actually thinking and planning to do. The ability to read it accurately would help you preempt the action and intervene in such a manner that you get the action you want from the person you are talking to. In the end, it is all about getting your way.

In most cases what you think and feel is reflected in your face. Some people master the art to keep a blank face, but that would be for a limited time like when appearing for an interview or gambling – and this would be in order to prevent the other person to read what the real feelings are.  There are 6 basic expressions that are common to the human species and can be read same all over the world:

You will know from the face of the person that he is angry. There is a frown, eyelids become narrowed, lips are tight and often in a straight line and nostrils flare.

The nose wrinkles in disgust and the face crumples – eyebrows come down and cheek muscles are pulled up.

The facial expression for fear is universal. Eyes widen, mouth opens in a gasping gesture, cheek muscles get tense and eyebrows shoot up wrinkling the forehead.

Smiling is the first and most common facial expression that says, “I’m happy”. The face is relaxed, welcoming and warm. Wrinkles are formed at the corner of the eyes – laugh lines.

You will find that the inside corners of the eyebrow go slightly up, lip corners come down and sometimes they quiver announcing tears. Tears are also a sign of sadness (also of intense happiness).

Jaw drops, eyebrows shoot up and eyes widen. Wrinkles would be formed in the middle of the forehead and the mouth would be open.

Besides, these 6 universal and easy-to-read expressions are many more combinations and permutations. The eyes are the most “talkative” in the facial expressions. Besides showing these 6 basic expressions/ emotions there are:

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Uncomfortable
– sideway glancing, furtive glancing, darting eye contact, looking down, looking all over the room or towards the door may convey this. Too much blinking also can be taken as a sign of nervousness.

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Lying
– furtive looks, inability to maintain steady eye contact, looking at hands, could be signs that the person is not telling the truth.

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Giving space
– the “I don’t see you look” is used in crowded places where eye contact could become overwhelming. You would experience this look in elevators, subways, railway stations, airports, etc. where you are in a crowd, but do not want to connect or allow anyone to reach out to you.

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Deference
– in many cultures “looking straight in the eye” is considered disrespectful and challenging authority. Hence, the lower rank would lower their eyes when addressing someone of higher rank. In some culture, women are expected to look down as a confirmation of modesty. Women who make eye contact would be interpreted as “loose character” or “soliciting sex” in certain parts of the world.

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Dominance
– you’d have heard of the expression, “staring him down”. This is when the eyes are boring and unflinching, forcing the other person to break contact first. This is the dominating look and is used normally by one who either believes he is higher in rank, or wants to intimidate others into believing that.

The way a person carries his body says a lot about what the person feels. A timid person will carry himself differently from how a confident and self-assured person does.

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Nervous, timid, low self-esteem
– the body is slouching, shoulders down in an almost cringing posture, head bent forward, eyes looking down or darting furtively around, legs either crossed tightly or with feet very close together, arms covering the vulnerable zones of the body (neck, belly button level and groin). It says, “Let me out of here. I’m not comfortable here.”

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Dominant, full of confidence, leader
– body upright, jaw thrust forward, head tilted upwards, powerful gait, feet at shoulder’s width or slightly more, hands at the side and outward, chest swollen, shoulders squared, hands moving within the body width with precise movements, eyes full contact, gauging you.

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Arrogant, pompous, full of himself
– body taking more space than required, head tilted backwards, eyes challenging, feet wide apart, hands gestures loud, brisk and wide, eyes pushing you into the ground.

The way you hold your arms in relation to your body will also tell a lot about what you feel and think. People tend to make self-protective gestures when they are not comfortable with what they see, hear or feel. When comfortable and agreeable, they allow themselves to be exposed and open.

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Uncomfortable, untrusting
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closed
– the arms and hands will try to cover the vulnerable parts of the body. You will find the arms touching the neck portion, round the bellybutton or in the lap covering the groin area. You may also find the arms crossed in front of the chest.

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Trusting, interested, open
– the arms of the person who is interested, open and trusting would have the arms away from the vulnerable areas of the body. The hands would either be hanging loosely at the side of the body or used for articulate gesturing.

Space is not exactly body language, but is a very important factor. The space one makes around him can indicate fairly accurately how they are feeling. There are four types of zones, i.e. the public zone, the social zone, the personal zone and the intimate zone.

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The Public Zone
– this would be by Western standards, about 12 feet from any other person. This is generally the distance one puts between himself and a public speaker. This is totally non-threatening and non-invading. It is also a zone where there is little or no commitment between the speaker and listener.

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The Social Zone
– this would be a distance of 4-12 feet and would define the space put between us and the person whom we know, but not personally. The cashier, the copier machine operator and so on. In this zone are people who you do not allow to access your private feelings; however, in this zone there is a degree of friendliness and comfort.

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The Personal zone
– this covers a distance on 1½ - 4 feet around us. This is the zone where we allow people when interacting in public places such as restaurants, work place, parties, etc. 

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The Intimate Zone
– this is about 18 inches to touching distance and in this circle/ zone we allow only those whom we trust completely. When you find strangers in this space, it makes you uncomfortable. This is why in crowded of tiny places such as elevators, train, etc. people avoid eye contact. This is to say, “I’m not willingly invading your private space. I respect your privacy.”

Hand gestures betray what you feel in many ways; most of it is involuntary, unless you are aware what the gestures indicate and you want to stress your verbal statement with the help of your hand gestures.  We instinctively read hand gestures even if we would not be able to explain them. For example, shaking a forefinger at someone spells, “reprimand” or “blame”; clenched fists could mean fear, anger or pain, palms upwards would invite discussion, palms down would not be so encouraging.

Unconscious gestures – and often very difficult to control – are those which happen without thinking. For example, when you lie your hand might move to your mouth without you even noticing it. If you are afraid or very anxious hands might clench into a fist.

Some gestures are universal such as

- waving with open palm means goodbye;

- waving a fist in someone’s face means threat, anger;

- thumbs up means all is okay (not everywhere though, in some places like Japan and Germany it indicates ordering beer and in certain parts of the Indian sub-continent it is seen as disrespectful);

- thumbs down means rejected or something that went wrong;

- clapping means appreciation and/ or happiness;

- putting your hands to your face indicates you are feeling moved – indicates sadness;

- putting your hand behind your head indicates super confidence and self-assurance;

- hands rubbing together indicates satisfaction or anticipation something good;

- wave of one hand could mean “I dismiss you” or “this is not important”; and so on.

Sometimes one gesture can have many nuances – such as a handshake. A limp handshake indicates insecurity, while a strong handshake means self-assurance. A handshake that turns the other hand palm up indicates desire to dominate.

Foot placement can tell you quite accurately what a person feels and wants.

- When the body is turned to a person, but feet are pointing in another direction it means they want to get away.

- When the feet are close together, the person is timid and wants to disappear.

- When the feet are spread at the width of the shoulders or a little extra it shows the characteristic of “alpha” or a leader. They tend to take more air that needed just because they can. That stance exudes power and dominance – not necessarily is a negative manner.

- When the feet are too wide, it means the person is loud to cover for their insecurities. Often these are bullies – basically cowards, but who pose as “big guys” to cover up their low self-esteem.