Bittersweet (17 page)

He took advantage of her vulnerability and the opportunity and pulled her forward. She closed her eyes, allowing him to kiss her, and let a little bit of anger come out in how aggressively she responded, because it really was good-bye. There was no way to turn back now. Tyler lifted her into his arms and carried her upstairs before she snapped out of it. As the door to the bedroom shut, she quickly pulled away.

“Oh my God, what am I doing? What are you doing to me?” She was out of her mind. He’d literally driven her insane.

“Jenna, I might not have known it before tonight, but having you here, seeing you when I walked in, the albums—you still love me, just as much as I love you. I know you were about to tell me you wanted to be together, to stay together.” He grabbed her hands, held them, and waited for her to answer.

“You’re right, Tyler, but you’re also very wrong. I missed being at home, and so did Jayden. Then I started to think about things after I got here and reminisced through the memories and began to second-guess myself.” She wanted to explain herself clearly to him so she wouldn’t have to repeat what she was about to say next. “I was delusional for a brief time. I wanted to work things out with you, and yes, that’s what I was about to say when you walked in, but then you gave me a reminder that you’re not going to change. Alex is your addiction, apparently, and you aren’t going to stop. I can see that so clearly now. So we can’t be together like this anymore. It’s over.”

He stood there silent, looking crushed, and she smiled, because the admission made her feel so free. “Tyler, you have been my best friend since I can remember. One of the best parts about our relationship was how easily we got along together. But clearly this is not meant to be. I’m not sure what happened between us to change things, but you have to admit that you could see it too, or you wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. Something’s missing, and I was blinded until now. Can’t you understand? If I let this continue, I’m going to end up hating you, and I don’t want that. We need to move on. I need some space so I can get through all of this anger and hurt, because I don’t want to lose you for good. I want my good friend back one day, and Jayden needs his dad.”

She’d finally realized she’d been holding on to what they once had, not what was still there. She’d been unhappy for a while, and it was time to move on. The hard part would be learning how to forgive, because Lord knows she’d never forget what had happened.

Chapter Twenty

Tyler moved out that night. She helped him pack and didn’t want to know where he was headed, whether to a motel or Alex’s place. She preferred not knowing for certain; it probably would have made her angry again because she suspected it would be the latter.

A fine line really did exist between love and hate. She loved the friend she used to have, the father of her child, and the many good years they’d had together. But she also hated him for all of the lies, for causing her to miscarry, for throwing away everything they had between them, and for the ultimate betrayal of sleeping with Alex. Still, although she hated to admit it, this had been a far better outcome than her original vision. At least he was still alive, and that mattered.

The next part was the hardest. They had to tell Jayden, and she’d asked Tyler to join her a few days later so they could tell him together.

She’d just finished making him his snack, and they were both nervous when they approached him. They sat on the couch together, and Jenna held Tyler’s hand as she called Jayden over.

While Jayden looked up with curiosity, Tyler looked at her with a sudden panic, the coward.

“Thanks,” she whispered sarcastically, knowing he was leaving her to start off the conversation. After taking a deep breath, she wasn’t sure where to begin and needed a minute to collect her thoughts. “We wanted to talk to you about some changes,” she told Jayden and was surprised by his expression. While sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table he looked at Tyler, sighed loudly, and then put his head down as he played with his fingers. She knew then that her little boy understood more than she gave him credit for.

“Jayden, Dad and I are separating, so you need to know that he’s not going to be living with us anymore.”

Honestly, how were you supposed to explain this type of situation to a four-year-old without getting a negative reaction? She didn’t know what else to do but come right out with it while trying to be as sensitive as possible in the process.

Jayden silently let her words register and then leaped into Jenna’s arms to cry. She wasn’t too far behind him, shedding some of her own tears.

“It doesn’t change how much we both love you,” she assured him, and Tyler finally stepped in.

“I’ll still be here whenever you need me to be, and you can come stay with me sometimes too, if you want.”

Jenna sucked in a shocked breath, knowing instantly that she shouldn’t have that reaction. She hadn’t thought about not having Jayden in the house all the time. That was an adjustment she’d definitely have to make.

Jayden pulled away and hopped off Jenna’s lap. “First Mommy and now me. Why are you hurting us?” he yelled, then ran up to his room and slammed the door shut.

Stunned into silence, neither one of them knew what to do next. Obviously, she wasn’t the only one who’d built up some anger over all that had happened.

“Maybe I should go,” Tyler suggested.

“You’re not going anywhere. Did you expect any other reaction out of him? Just give him a few minutes and we’ll talk this through. The least you can do is stay for that.”

Tyler agreed and stuck around through dinner. Jayden sulked at first, but she played the mediator and eventually got him to open up to his father.

***

“Okay, you’re driving me absolutely nuts,” Sam told her. “What’s wrong now?”

It was a beautiful summer day, and they were at the park with Jayden. Almost six months had passed since all hell broke loose, money was tight, and she still felt useless. Jenna had managed to get a part-time position at Jayden’s school after months of volunteering and hated that she still had to rely on Tyler’s child support. She had to figure out what she could do to achieve financial independence and still be able to be home for Jayden. She fantasized about the day she could actually tell Tyler to take his money and shove it. Okay, not really, just as long as it wasn’t a means of supporting her. Maybe one day she’d be financially comfortable while still being a loving mom for her child and Tyler’s money could go toward Jayden’s college fund instead of food.

“I just feel so useless, like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. I’m a twenty-eight-year-old divorced woman, and I still have no clue what I should be when I grow up.” She sighed, knowing she’d been off in her own world trying to figure things out. It didn’t help that Tyler had started to take Jayden around Alex lately—more stress she didn’t need. He’d jumped into that relationship immediately after she’d let him go, moving in with Alex that same night.

“I’ve failed at everything.”

“Not everything.” Sam laughed, pointing toward Jayden, and she couldn’t help but smile and agree. “When it comes to that, you’re the luckiest person I know.”

“How did you do it?” Jenna asked.

“How did I do what?”

“Become established enough to stand on your own two feet without anyone else.”

She laughed. “Anyone can do it. Your life is what you make of it. All it takes is a little hard work and determination to be successful if you want something badly enough. You just have to figure out what it is that you love and work from there.”

Jenna groaned. “It’s easier said than done.”

Sam laughed. “It’s not that hard, Jenna, think about it. What is it that you love the most?”

“Jayden,” she blurted out without a need to think about it. “I love being able to be there for him, sitting here in the park, helping out at his school, and telling him his favorite bedtime stories at night. I love being a mom, but unfortunately it’s not a job that pays you in money. It pays you in rewards.”

“Well, then, there’s your answer,” Sam said. “Sounds to me like you’ve come up with two options. You either continue what you’re doing and keep the small job at school so you can be there for him always and maybe build it into more, or you can go into business for yourself and be there for him always. You love telling him his bedtime stories, Jenna, and I’ve heard some of them. They’re not bad. Have you ever thought about trying to write some of them down, maybe try a career creating children’s books to share with others who also enjoy a good bedtime story or two?”

“Children’s books?” The more she thought about it, the more appealing the idea became. Maybe that was something she could work on with Jayden. It definitely wouldn’t hurt to try, and she laughed at the thought. When she pitched idea to Jayden later that night, he seemed just as excited as she was.

Jenna got to work right away and got what she wrote down “Jayden approved” before she would even consider attempting to get it published. She wrote three children’s picture books within the first couple months, sent them out, and eagerly awaited a reply.

The first few rejections were the toughest, but her patience was rewarded when she got her first acceptance. By the time she was slowly on her way to becoming established, another six months had passed.

Just before Christmas, Jenna had more great news. Her publisher had signed her for three more books. She was getting ready to go to dinner with Sam, Jayden, and her parents to celebrate when Tyler stopped by unannounced.

“Did I come at a bad time?” He asked after she let him in.

“We’re going out to dinner.” She extended an invitation for him to join them but could instantly tell something was up by how uncomfortable he looked.

He shook his head. “I’d come back later, but I really need to talk to you. Do you think you could stay?”

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea, Jenna?” Sam asked and went to stand beside her. She folded her arms and began to tap her foot with impatience. Good ol’ Sam, her protector.

Her parents cleared their throats and decided to take Jayden outside. “We’ll just go and wait in the car until you or Sam let us know what the plan is,” her mother said.

“It’s fine, Sam. You all go ahead to dinner and I’ll fill you in later, okay?”

The only reason she agreed, other than her insane curiosity, was because he genuinely looked upset. She sent the others on without her, promising they’d all go together another time.

“Okay,” she said once they were alone. “I’d say we have a good hour or two before they’re back, so let’s talk.” She directed him to the dining room table and took a seat, gesturing for him to do the same.

“I still miss you,” he whispered.

She already didn’t like where he was heading. “Tyler, please don’t start with this. I’m only beginning to get my life back on track, and I can’t afford to take a step backward.”

“Fine, it’s Alex. I actually came over here to talk to you about her, hoping you could be there for Jayden or at least to help me out if he gets upset. Most of all, I’m hoping you don’t hate me even more after this.”

“I’ll definitely be here for you, whenever I can. You know that, and you also know that when it comes to Jayden, my answer is clearly the same and then some.” Smiling, she added, “And about hating you more, I’m not sure if that’s humanly possible.”

Teasing him seemed to cheer him up for a brief moment, and he smiled with her.

“So what, have you decided to marry her or something?” she asked, and he laughed, shaking his head.

“Hell no, although she isn’t opposed to the idea.”

“I’m not a mind reader. You came here to tell me something, so tell me.”

“Jenna, this is harder for me to say because it’s such bad timing, but you have the right to know. I thought it was fair that you find out first.” He looked away again, as though he was ashamed. “Alex is pregnant.”

Jenna sat there frozen, trying to collect her thoughts. In that second, she couldn’t stop thinking about herself. Just about a year ago to the day, she’d been pregnant with his child, and his news brought back all the loss she’d suffered. Now he was sharing the experience of a new life with someone else, and all of it came to the surface again. Of all the things he could possibly have said…

She quickly moved her hands away from his, needing a minute to absorb what he’d said. She could feel the lump in her throat, and her vision blurred, but she wouldn’t let him see her cry. “I just need a minute,” she whispered and walked upstairs for some privacy.

This was her first breakdown since he’d walked out the door the last time, her one weak moment just as she was beginning to feel strong again, the one and only thing that would get to her.
Bad timing? This is horrible.
As if it wasn’t hard enough with the anniversary of her loss approaching, he had to follow her up the stairs to witness her hurting.

“Tyler, please,” she begged. She needed some time to pull herself together. Not listening, he pulled her into his arms. She hadn’t cried that hard in months.

“I’m sorry,” Jenna managed after a few minutes. “You’re having a baby, and all I can think about is the baby we were supposed to have. It’s not fair,” she cried. “It’s just not fair.”

She pulled away but he only tightened his arms around her.

“I could always trip her,” he said. He’d always had a twisted sense of humor.

“That’s not funny. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anybody, not even Alex.”

“It’s nice to hear that not everyone is that mean.” He smiled, and she knew exactly what he was talking about. Unlike her, Alex had actually been pleased when she’d lost the baby. It was one less obstacle toward her goal of winning Tyler.

“Yeah, but you’re the one that chose her,” Jenna answered and actually laughed a little. “She is mean, but mean is what you wanted. Life is what you make of it, and you have to live with the consequences of your actions.” She repeated what Sam had told her, adding a little more to the wisdom.

He sighed heavily and gave her another squeeze before letting her go. “I did, but it’s like I told you before, losing you is my biggest regret. I’m always going to love you, and no one could ever replace that. I just screwed it up beyond repair, and you’re right. Now I’ll have to live with those consequences. The toughest part is going to be when you actually meet someone you want to be with,” he admitted. “I have no doubt it’s going to happen, and I’ll be the first to tell you I’m not going to like it.” He sighed before continuing. “And one day you’ll have more children, and I don’t think I’ll be handling it as well as you have.”

The last part made her smile. “Are you trying to make me feel better?” she whispered, leaning into him as they sat on the bed.

He sighed again. “If it’s working, I’ll take it. But honestly, Jenna, I’m just telling you the truth. You’re much stronger at handling this kind of stuff than I am.”

“It’s working,” she teased, and this time he laughed.

They hadn’t had a decent conversation with each other in so long. Her one weak moment with him led to more. One minute they were laughing and on somewhat good terms, and the next, he brought his face closer to hers and tried to kiss her.

She backed up in disgust to fend him off. “No, Tyler, this can’t happen. You and I are over. Don’t make me into the other woman, because it won’t happen.” She laughed then at the thought. “How is it that I would become the other woman? It’s just too weird.” She shook her head when he didn’t answer. “I think you should get back to your pregnant girlfriend.”