Being a Teen (16 page)

Sometimes, while you’re growing up, you might become interested in a person of the same sex for a while and may want to experiment sexually with that person. You may have romantic feelings toward a person of the same sex. Teens may have straight or gay sex dreams at different times. This is perfectly normal. Experimentation does not determine your sexual orientation. Only with time will a person determine his or her sexual orientation. This may even continue to change over the course of his or her life.

Attitudes Toward Homosexuality

Throughout history and in all cultures there have been homosexual people who have been admired and hated. The ancient Greeks admired homosexual relationships. Over the years we have acquired a broader understanding of the role of homosexuality in history.

This was not always well understood because people have been forced to keep same-sex relationships secret, fearing discrimination. The reason that gay people have been afraid to be themselves is that they have been insulted, threatened, attacked, abused, murdered, and denied common rights that “straight” people take for granted. In fact, doctors used to treat homosexuality as a mental illness. Homosexuality is also viewed by some religions as a sin. Some people hate or fear
homosexuals because they are afraid of people who are different. For these reasons, some gay people still have to hide who they are at times.

It’s thought that 2 to 4 percent of people worldwide are gay. That statistic is pretty close to the number of people throughout the world who have blue eyes. Imagine if everybody thought it was okay to hate, fear, and abuse people just because they were born with blue eyes.

Homophobia

Unfortunately, there are added burdens when you grow up as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender teen. The most important challenge is homophobia in the culture—hatred of lesbian, gay, bi, trans, and questioning (LGBTQ) people—and the range of harassment, abuse, teasing, and violence these youth experience. They are too often treated as different, and are isolated by family and peers. They may have difficulty finding adult support. If you are lesbian, bisexual, gay, trans, or questioning, you may feel confused about your identity. Most teens go through some stress and anxiety as they come to terms with their sexuality, in any case. If you are growing up gay or feel as if you have been born with the wrong gender, odds are a lot of your mental energy has been spent just trying to figure out what your sexual orientation or gender identity is and in responding to the reactions or the hostility of those around you.

Many, many people, including straight ones, are confused about their sexuality. A good trained counselor may help you sort out your feelings and support you if you need help. At the end of this chapter I list resources you might turn to.

People Who Are Homophobic

People who are cruel to gays, lesbians, bisexuals, or trans people are often those who are unsure about their own sexuality. It is unfortunate that people feel that by hating gay, lesbian, bisexual, or trans youth, it proves that they are not like them. Being hateful or judgmental toward anyone is not right.

Some of these “haters” excuse their behavior by citing the Bible, saying that it calls homosexuality a sin. Let’s remember the compassion and love that great teachers and leaders such as Jesus, Gandhi, Buddha, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., showed to those who were different and, instead of hating, taught that we must learn to embrace difference. That is the truly wise, kind, compassionate, and right thing to do.

The Need for Support

Many young people are curious about same-sex attraction and need to talk to other people who have been through the same experience. Today, there are many, many support groups, websites, hotlines, and community centers for LGBTQ teens. Whoever you are, you have the right to explore your true feelings.

Currently in the United States there are nearly five thousand schools with Gay-Straight Alliance clubs that are registered with the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN; see the end of this chapter for their website). The network is a national organization whose mission is to make sure that all students, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity, are safe and respected.

Compassion and Kindness

Regardless of a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity, he or she deserves respect. It is hurtful and disrespectful to use words like “fag,” “homo,” or “dyke.” While it is true that in some gay and lesbian communities the members may refer to themselves as “dyke” or “queer” as a term of endearment, no one should use these words disrespectfully. No one likes being called names.

If you are straight, think about how you would feel if you were called names because of your race or size. Always try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Bullying is always wrong—all forms of it. Don’t ever do it, or tolerate it. No matter what! If you see bullying happening, try to stop it. No one should be picked on for any reason, including sexual orientation or gender identity. Express your support and show your LGBTQ friends that you will not abandon them.

A gay or lesbian friend may need your help finding a supportive adult to talk to. Furthermore, if you have a friend who comes out to you, you should try to:

• listen quietly and attentively.

• tell him or her that what he or she is saying is important and you want him or her to feel comfortable talking with you.

• reassure him or her that you still care about him or her just as much as you did before.

• try to avoid downplaying or minimizing what he or she is saying to you.

• avoid laughing, seeming shocked, or saying you don’t believe it.

Coming Out

Gay men, lesbians, trans, and bisexual people sometimes struggle with accepting their sexual orientation and telling other people—that is, coming out.

Keeping a secret about yourself can be exhausting. It is deeply stressful to feel that you are always putting on an act. In fact, it is very difficult to feel close to the people you love if you aren’t honest with them. Still, coming out is a very personal process. Telling your friends and family about your sexual orientation can be scary but it could ultimately feel like a big relief. According to many advocates for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and trans teenagers, coming out can be one of the most important steps in creating a comfortable life for yourself.

Of course, not everyone is lucky enough to have an open-minded and accepting family. Furthermore, you may not live in a community that is tolerant of homosexuality. If this is your situation, it is best to have your initial conversations with the people you anticipate will be most accepting. This could be your parents, a good friend, a trusted aunt, uncle, or counselor. Some teenagers have to make a decision to be “out” among family members, but not at school, or vice versa. Most important, consider your health and safety first and try not to put yourself in danger.

Coming out to your family can be intimidating. It is ideal if you can talk directly with your parents, but you may be nervous about that. Some parents are particularly accepting and loving in these conversations. Your parents may even surprise you and tell you how proud they are of you for being honest and brave. This is the type of response you deserve.

It is possible, however, that your parents may feel confused
and need some time to get used to the news. Some parents wonder if they did something that made you turn out gay, or initially feel disoriented because they always imagined you growing up a particular way. Some parents appear disappointed because they fear you won’t get married or have children. There are parents who are so angry that they become abusive. If you want to be honest with your parents, but don’t know how to talk to them, you may want to contact one of the support groups listed in the resources list at the end of this chapter.

Transgender Youth

Chaz Bono is the son of the iconic singers Sonny and Cher. Chaz was born a girl named Chastity. This is what he has to say about his transition from girl to boy: “I don’t think the way I grew up had any effect on this issue. There is a gender in your brain and a gender in your body. For 99 percent of people, those things are in alignment. For transgender people, they are mismatched. That’s all it is. It’s not complicated, it’s not a neurosis. It is a mix-up.” (Cintra Wilson, “The Reluctant Transgender Role Model,”
The New York Times,
May 8, 2011.)

The disconnect between the body they were born with and how they feel about their gender identity can be excruciatingly painful for transgender teens. Many children know at an early age—three or four years—that they are not the sex they appear to be, and they struggle when their parents force them to dress and behave like their birth gender. Many parents have no clue that their child is trans and are at a loss for what to do.
If you feel you are trans and think it is safe to discuss this with your parents, help yourself and them to understand all you can about what this means and how best to manage it by getting assistance from counselors and resources in the trans community. (See list of resources
here
.)

Some parents decide to let their trans child behave, dress, and name themselves as their desired gender identity at home but not at school, at least not right away. Some decide to move their family to a new school where their trans child can start over as the gender they identify with and thus have less risk of being teased or bullied.

A growing number of teenagers who realize that, for whatever reason, they were misassigned at birth and want to realign who they are with how they think of themselves, decide to undertake medical, social, and legal steps to transition from their assigned (birth) gender to their true gender. This means going through the therapy, hormone treatments, and operations that will realign their “brain gender” and their “body gender.” This is a brave thing to do. If you want to know more about transitioning, there are many places you can go for information and help. (See list of resources
here
.)

A Final Word to Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and Trans Youth

If you feel so lonely or misunderstood that you don’t think life is worth living, please remember that situations change with time. Do not do anything dangerous and do not resort to hurting yourself. Try to remember that it gets easier to carve out a comfortable life as you understand yourself more
fully. There is a vast, welcoming community out there waiting for you. You will eventually be able to live wherever you want and surround yourself with supportive and likeminded friends.

Resources

Here are some places to go for information and support:

• The Hetrick-Martin Institute is a New York City–based nonprofit organization devoted to serving the needs of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning (LGBTQ) youth. 1–212–674–2400.

• Indiana Youth Group. 1–800–347–TEEN.

• The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, GLSEN, an organization that works to end discrimination, harassment, and bullying based on sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression in K–12 schools.
www.glsen.org

• PFLAG: Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
www.pflag.org

• The Trevor Project: preventing suicide among LGBTQ youth.
www.thetrevorproject.org

• The Point Foundation: LGBT scholarships.
www.pointfoundation.org

• TYFA: TransYouth Family Allies
www.imatyfa.org

•
Lambda Legal: LGBT legal resources.
www.lambdalegal.org

• Advocates for Youth is a nonprofit organization and advocacy group based in Washington, D.C., dedicated to sexuality education, the prevention of HIV and of sexually transmitted disease, teenage pregnancy prevention, youth access to condoms and contraception, and equality for LGBT youth.
www.advocatesforyouth.org

• mPowerment Project: HIV-prevention program designed to address the needs of young gay and bisexual men
www.mpowerment.org

13.

Contraception, Pregnancy, and Options if You Become Pregnant

For seventeen years, through my nonprofit organization in Georgia, the Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Power & Potential, I have witnessed what happens when a girl gets pregnant and young people become parents before they have grown up themselves. The consequences are sobering.

Why You Must Plan for It

Pregnancy (and STIs) can happen to anyone who chooses to be sexually active—anyone, from any family, from any neighborhood, with any grades. That is why it is so important to think about contraception and STD protection before having
sex. Beyond thinking about it, you need to plan for it. Every single time. Your first time, your next time, every time.

Consequences of Teen Pregnancy

Some girls have said they want to get pregnant because they’re lonely and want someone to love them, or they think it will keep their boyfriend from leaving them. These are wrong assumptions. It is hard for teenage parents to have a stable relationship and to stay together. In most cases, teenage fathers are not able to provide adequate support for their teenage partner and their baby, even when they have a strong desire to do so. Roughly 75 percent of babies born to teenage parents will require some form of public assistance. Psychologists tell me that among adolescent married couples, relationship quality oftentimes goes downhill after a child is born because there is so much focus placed on caretaking, managing a household, and problem solving. Couples raising children generally do not describe their relationship as “an infatuated love affair” or even as “best friends.” Rather, couples with young children will often describe their relationship more as “a practical partnership.” Caring for a baby involves so much responsibility and attention to family matters there is much less time for fun or spontaneity. If you haven’t already, check out the MTV series called
16 and Pregnant
and the follow-up series,
Teen Mom.
They give a realistic picture of how hard it is to be both pregnant and a teen mom.