Authors: Natasha Walker
Beginnings (20 page)
Coming October 2012…
Emma moved quietly through the beach house in the dark. The house was silent. She went from room to room and her naked feet padded sound-lessly on the polished floorboards. As she passed the kitchen she noticed the oven clock; it said it was half past four. She was looking for David. She had woken in bed having missed her husband’s large, reassuring form. His side of the bed was empty and cold with the covers thrown back.
She darted through the beach house, her expectations rising at every new turn. She approached the downstairs bathroom and smiled to herself – why didn’t I think of it? She was sure he was in there, but when she knocked softly and received no reply she suddenly panicked.
In the kitchen she called his name softly, reluctant to disturb Sally and Mark who were asleep upstairs. Again there was no reply. She stood in the kitchen worrying. He had never done this before. He was always so loud and he shook the bed so roughly when he went to the toilet in the middle of the night. This was different.
Emma rushed to the window overlooking the street. She wanted to know if his car was still parked outside. It was. She had had the idea he had gone. Gone, gone. Never before had she thought that David might just up and leave her. But there it was. David
might
just leave her. For good. For reasons he might never be able to explain. God, I’m so self-obsessed, she thought.
Still she had no idea where he was. Walking to the beach side of the house she could see the balcony. It was empty. Beyond, in the darkness, was the beach. She opened the glass sliding door slowly, making sure it didn’t squeak.
‘Emma,’ said David from the darkness.
Emma jumped back, startled. ‘What are you doing out here?’
‘Couldn’t sleep,’ he said. He had been sitting on the railing with his back against the wall of the house, just out of view. He was wearing his dressing gown over his otherwise naked body. She immediately noticed that he was holding a lit cigarette.
‘But you’ve quit!’
‘Couldn’t do it, Em,’ he said, leading her across the balcony to the far railing, away from Sally and Mark’s bedroom window, which was just above them. ‘Not now. It’s all too much at work.’
She stood motionless on the front verandah, still shaken by the shocking thought that he’d end their marriage. He was still here, but he wasn’t himself. She had been so dishonest. Had he discovered something? Would he forgive her as she would forgive him?
‘Have a smoke with me, Em,’ he said, handing her a cigarette. She took it without considering what she was doing. She was in a bit of a daze.
Please tell me quickly, she was thinking, let me know now.
David waited for Emma to lift the cigarette to her mouth. He held the lit lighter in his cupped hands but she was miles away.
‘Em? Are you awake?’ he asked, with a smile.
‘Sure,’ she said. She didn’t move, so he lifted her hand to her mouth. She smiled, laughing softly, and said, ‘Sorry. No. I don’t want it.’
David moved back to the railing. He looked out into the night. The dark ocean and the magnificent night sky.
‘This isn’t like you,’ she said.
‘What isn’t?’ he asked, turning back to her.
‘Not sleeping, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him.
‘Maybe I had too much coffee,’ he said. He drew heavily on the cigarette and exhaled dramatically.
‘Tell me what’s worrying you, baby.’
David walked up and down the verandah in the dark, smoking, answering some of Emma’s whispered entreaties and telling her something of his troubles at work, but he was no less restless.
Emma was shivering. Behind her, away to the east, the dark night sky was being diluted, drop by drop, by pale, corrosive daylight. Time would not stand still for him. The night would end and he would have to face Emma in the clear light of day.
He had to tell her what he had only just whispered to himself. He stopped pacing and stood in front of her. He took her cold hands in his.
Emma’s heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t speak. He looked into her eyes.
‘I want children,’ he said.
Emma almost laughed. Her worst fears were unfounded. In her relief she failed to realise the importance of his words.
David viewed the situation differently. He wanted children. There were forces at work within him. The years had begun to pass by terrifyingly quickly and the issue of children of his own morphed from being a vague presumption into an urgent need. He had waited patiently for some sign from Emma. But none had come. He was now afraid that all he had built and all he had managed to achieve and Emma’s love were all being risked by this roll of the dice.
Emma gathered herself after a moment.
‘So do I,’ she answered.
‘Now?’ he asked. ‘I need to know.’
‘Why do you need to know? What’s gotten into you?’
‘Something Dad said.’
Emma was at a loss. She didn’t want children now. No. Not now or soon. Maybe not ever. And suddenly she felt the seriousness of the situation.
‘You know he was twenty-four and Mum was twenty-two when they had me,’ continued David. ‘He said the other day that you’re never ready. But I disagree. I reckon I’m ready now. Look at what we’ve got. We can cope. We are in a better position to have children than most people ever are.’
All through the night David’s thoughts had come back to one piece of knowledge. Emma was unlike any woman he had ever known. He had married her on the strength of that. And since the wedding he had had this view reinforced time and time again. No one had loved him like Emma had, no one had demonstrated their love as Emma had, but then conversely no one was as selfish as Emma. She was bigger than life, better than life and not of this life. Sometimes she seemed so far from him. He became a simple being and his needs became quaint beside hers. Career, wife, home, children. And yet, hadn’t he married her?
‘I’m ready, Emma. I really am,’ he repeated. He still held her hands, still looked at her intently, but his words had no effect. She remained silent. She was looking into his eyes. ‘I never would have dreamed that I would be the one saying all this. I never thought I’d be looking into my wife’s eyes…’
Tears sprang from those eyes.
What could she tell him?
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Version 1.0
The Secret Lives of Emma
ePub 9781742758374
Copyright © Natasha Walker, 2012
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
An Arrow book
Published by Random House Australia Pty Ltd
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First published by Arrow in 2012
Cataloguing-in-Publication entry details available at the National Library of Australia
Cover image courtesy Sebastian Kriete/ImageBrief
Cover design by Christabella Designs
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