Read Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half Online
Authors: Rick A Johnson
Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (12 page)
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And what if that father had given his baby to those men to sacrifice solely for the benefit of those men, and for other bad or evil people? For people who hated and had contempt for him and his child, or maybe even for people who would never even know, recognize, or appreciate that sacrifice. Or for people who did know about that father’s sacrifice but intentionally chose not to accept his magnificent gift—people who were too busy, self-absorbed, misguided, or jaded to care.
That kind of sacrifice might come close to the sacrifice God made so that we could receive his loving grace and forgiveness. Surely I underestimate that sacrifice because my human mind is not capable of understanding the depth and breadth of all the eternal ramifications. But from an emotional standpoint, the above illustration seems most apt to me. This is merely my untrained, layman’s way of understanding and coming to terms with that cataclysmic event.
Pastor James Martin of Mount Olivet Church in Portland, Oregon, once said in a sermon, “Jesus did not die for the sake of animals—he died for the sake of people who act like animals.” I’ve come to appreciate that sacrifice because I realized that I am one of those people who act like animals.
A Man’s SpiritualityI think men struggle more with developing a deep, spiritual relationship with God than women do. I’m not sure if it’s a pride issue, the common do-it-yourself attitude of most men, or just plain apathy. I do know most men don’t really seek God until a crisis affects their lives. And many abandon that relationship after the crisis passes. When we are in the midst of battle or the wars of life, we resort to God for help. As the old saying goes, “There are no atheists in foxholes.”
Part of this mentality has to do with a man’s independent nature. His pride tells him he can or must do things on his own. Part of it probably also has to do with the well-documented feminization of the church in Western culture. Men are consciously and unconsciously uncomfortable worshiping in an environment that looks like the inside of a day spa. And worship songs that tout another man (even if he’s omnipotent) as the “lover of my soul” are not very palatable to most men. This is at least a partial explanation for the large number of males (especially minority males) joining the ranks of Islam, which requires sacrifice and performance that men identify with more readily than faith and adulation.
Some men today have discovered that they are more comfortable attending parachurches or home churches. Young men are bored with church, and teenage and college-aged males are leaving in droves.
Frankly, even I struggle with finding a church that satisfies all my needs. I understand that many pastors contend the church’s job is to teach the Word of God, but I want a church that is on the edge, that’s growing and reaching out to the hurting in the community—a hospital for sinners. I want to be part of something exciting and significant that makes a difference in the world. I don’t want to come every Sunday and sit in the same seat, looking at the same people who dress alike and look alike, hearing the same message by the same people over and over again.
It is my opinion that the church is doing a disservice to men, especially young men, by abandoning them. I believe if the church does not change the way it does “business,” we will lose a whole generation of young people, eventually becoming a post-Christian nation, as has happened in countries throughout Europe. America may become a nation filled with beautiful but empty cathedrals dotting the landscape. Or perhaps we are already there.
FaithFaith trumps physical strength, weapons, or manpower. Faith enables us to persevere through powerful obstacles such as despair, trials and tribulations, setbacks, discouragements, and failures. Faith overcomes impossible circumstances and overwhelming odds.
Rare is the man who develops faith apart from the influence of other men. It is seldom an intellectual exercise but is more often nurtured by men he respects. I remember being in many churches before becoming a believer and not seeing any men I respected. Just before accepting Christ, I attended a twenty-year high school reunion in my hometown. I was surprised to find that several of my oldest, best friends had become Christians in the years since I had seen them last. That made a difference in my acceptance and perception of Christians. Shortly thereafter I accepted Christ and was fortunate to start attending a church where there were an abundance of authentically masculine men. I believe that is one of the reasons my conversion “stuck” so well. If I had been around men I did not respect, I probably wouldn’t have been too interested in staying.
Part of the problem is the image projected of Christian masculinity. What man wants to be like some of the big-hair guys on TV? Finding other Christian men he can be comfortable with allows him to emulate them and be mentored by them.
One area that we need to be aware of in Christian manhood is behavior-based performance. Many men I know have the attitude, “If
all
God is interested in is how I behave, then I’m not very interested in God.” Because men cannot live up to those perfect expectations, many of them either give up or fake it—which might be worse. Unfortunately, those “perfect expectations” often come from other men (church leaders), not from God, who knows we are not capable of meeting that standard. Holy behavior is important and has its place in a man’s spirituality, but “behavioral Christianity” lacks depth and is not attractive to most men. We have enough pressure to perform every day without being expected to attain unrealistic goals of holiness.
all
God is interested in is how I behave, then I’m not very interested in God.” Because men cannot live up to those perfect expectations, many of them either give up or fake it—which might be worse. Unfortunately, those “perfect expectations” often come from other men (church leaders), not from God, who knows we are not capable of meeting that standard. Holy behavior is important and has its place in a man’s spirituality, but “behavioral Christianity” lacks depth and is not attractive to most men. We have enough pressure to perform every day without being expected to attain unrealistic goals of holiness.
A man initially gets faith by being vulnerable enough to risk humbling himself before God. Faith then develops through the difficult times and grows experientially. It is a gift from God that can grow based on experience and testimony. I like the saying that faith is spelled R-I-S-K!
God also grows a man’s faith through suffering. The same fire that melts wax hardens clay. A true believer who suffers will run
to
God rather than
from
God. What I have found is that as I go through times when I feel overwhelmed and cry out to God, he shows himself to me in new ways I hadn’t expected or through his Word, people, or the circumstances I’m in.
to
God rather than
from
God. What I have found is that as I go through times when I feel overwhelmed and cry out to God, he shows himself to me in new ways I hadn’t expected or through his Word, people, or the circumstances I’m in.
As my faith grows, it brings me a surprising gift—wisdom.
Wisdom and KnowledgeWhen we think about the richest and wisest man in the history of the world, we instantly recollect King Solomon. Most often when we quote from the Bible to explain why Solomon was the richest man, we say that it was because he asked God for wisdom. That’s partly true, but he didn’t ask God just for wisdom. Solomon asked God for wisdom
and
knowledge. Why would he ask for both of those things? Because one cannot effectively be used without the other.
and
knowledge. Why would he ask for both of those things? Because one cannot effectively be used without the other.
Many people have knowledge but no wisdom—I know many college graduates (even professors) like that. Young people often have knowledge but lack the wisdom that experience brings along with it. A few people even have wisdom but lack knowledge—for instance, someone from the backwoods with a lot of common sense but no book learning. Both scenarios are ineffective. Those with knowledge of facts and figures but no common sense are doomed to make mistakes and poor choices. Those with wisdom but no education struggle nearly as much because they are unaware of what they don’t know. Their wisdom is limited because they have no knowledge in how to share it widely and use it effectively.
A man in either of those circumstances finds himself limited in both his spiritual walk and his ability to live a life of significance. Marriage and parenting require great amounts of wisdom and knowledge to be successful. Having these traits helps a man live a more enjoyable and fulfilled life. The man who stops learning once he leaves school is letting down his wife, his children, and himself.
But even knowledge and wisdom pale in comparison to love. Christian love is not mere emotion or sentiment; it is rooted in knowledge and understanding (Phil. 1:9). As men, we tend to make decisions based on facts and figures as we evaluate people—sort of a performance-based love. The more we learn about them, the more we determine whether they deserve to be given our love or friendship. But as we love our wives
unconditionally
, we gain knowledge and understanding that we cannot get solely by observation or experience. Unconditional love grants understanding and acceptance of our wives, despite the conclusions our observations and experiences might lead toward (Prov. 10:12).
Significanceunconditionally
, we gain knowledge and understanding that we cannot get solely by observation or experience. Unconditional love grants understanding and acceptance of our wives, despite the conclusions our observations and experiences might lead toward (Prov. 10:12).
Many men never read a book after leaving school. Most never continue to grow and learn by attending workshops and seminars. And many never risk attempting challenges that would stretch and grow them. At best, most men work hard to learn a skill to earn a living to support their families. Certainly there is nothing wrong with that in and of itself, as it is one of the main roles God has placed on men’s hearts. And they may even continue to learn about their jobs throughout their lifetime, but many never expand that search for knowledge and wisdom to other sources and topics.
This intellectual stagnation limits men in their ability to be significant. To make a difference in the world requires men to take action. But action without knowledge and wisdom is doomed to fail. So even men who do take action often fail, causing them to stay on the sidelines in the future rather than risk being humiliated by failing again.
Perhaps the greatest yearning men have in their hearts and the greatest joy they can experience is to be significant—to matter. John Connolly says it this way:
It has always seemed to me that there are two types of people in this world: those rendered impotent by the sheer weight of evil it contains . . . who refuse to act because they see no point, and those who choose their battles and fight them to the end, as they understand that to do nothing is infinitely worse than to do something and fail.
1
Even small actions can make a difference. My experience tells me that most often we don’t even know when we are making a difference in someone’s life. For example, nearly every month I present classes to inmates at the prisons here in Oregon. The men I speak with are all within six months of getting released and are in a transition program. I almost have to force myself to go to the prison because it is such a spiritually oppressive environment. But God is always faithful to show me the fruits of my labor. Several miraculous events have happened over the years. Recently I was at the medium-security prison speaking to the men on fathering and authentic masculinity. For many of the men, this is the first time they have ever heard anyone tell them how important they are as fathers and the value their lives have.
Because I am a contractor at this prison, once I enter the facility I am pretty much on my own in the general population. I don’t have to be accompanied by a guard like at the maximum-security facilities where I work. This was a little disconcerting at first, as these men are considered to be only a “moderate” risk to health and human safety.
On this day as I was leaving the room after teaching a class, a very large, muscular, bald black man stepped in front of my path, blocking the doorway. Frankly, that didn’t seem like a good thing, but because we are taught never to show fear in prison, I continued to walk toward him. As I approached he rumbled, “Mr. Johnson?”
“Yes?”
He held his giant hand out to shake mine and continued, “I can’t attend your classes because I don’t get out of prison until 2020. But I wanted you to know that every time you come here I sit in that office adjacent to your classroom with the window open and listen to you. I just want you to know how much your coming here has meant to me. It has changed my life. Now I’m trying to reach out to be a father for my children.”
I thanked him and tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I headed for the main doors and freedom. If I ever complain about my circumstances, God is quick to show me examples like this that illustrate the significance of the work he is doing through me.
Even though I feel like I fail a lot, I prefer to be one of those people Connolly described who understand that to do nothing is worse than to do something and fail. Men were created to live lives of significance. All men have untapped power within them that is just waiting to be used to change the world. Believe me, if God can use me, he can do truly mighty things through other men. I believe that God is just waiting for a multitude of men in this country to step forward and ask to be used by him. When that happens, stand back. There is going to be an explosion of change like the world has never seen before.
I count myself fortunate to be one of the blessed people who have heard the voice of God. I heard the still, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit in the shower of all places—and it wasn’t even a very pleasant conversation. If someone had told me ten or twelve years ago that I would hear the voice of God in my head, I would have thought they were crazy. But I’m getting better at allowing myself to be quiet and listen to God’s whisper. I find that I almost cannot listen for it consciously but must try to hear it in the periphery of my conscious mind and auditory range.
Sometimes you can’t see something by looking directly at it; you have to look past it to see it. Or other times you can’t see something by staring hard at it but can spot it in your peripheral vision. That’s how the voice of God is with me. If I concentrate too hard, I can’t hear him. I need to invite him in and then relax and let him speak to me on his terms and in his way. It is often more difficult than concentrating and working at it would be.
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