Becoming His Muse, Complete Set (43 page)

“You don’t regret your actions?”

“Not the actions you’re thinking of. Though I do regret some things. It just isn’t what you’d think.”

He leans forward, listening, as I try to explain.

“I learned more from Logan O’Shane in these past seven months than I have in all my years of study here, because what I learned wasn’t stuff from books, it had to do with what’s really inside of me — the good, the bad, and the ugly. I regret that I’ve embarrassed myself, disappointed certain people, hurt others I care about, gotten someone fired, and will likely get expelled, but I certainly don’t regret discovering parts of myself I never knew existed. Because of that my creative work has evolved, and how I see the world has changed, and I feel, finally, like I’ve grown up in a way I never have before. Which is why I don’t want to say ‘I’m sorry’, or pretend Logan was in control and made me do his bidding, or plead with you to let me finish my degree. I’m finally grown up enough to take responsibility for my actions, to stand by my choices, and to trust that, eventually, I’ll get where I need to go even if the path deviates from the conventional route. I arrived at this school an art student but I’m leaving, with or without my degree, as an
artist
. I may be a bit wobbly on my feet but at least my feet are under me and they know the path they are following.”

Dean Ascott leans back in his chair, his fingers steepled under his chin as he appraises me. I know I just dug my own grave. My own convictions have expelled me. I sigh heavily. I can live with that. I can move on.

I stand up even though he hasn’t excused me officially. I’m not really a student here anymore so I figure the rules don’t really apply to me anymore either. Before I turn to leave, I say,

“As the Dean of Arts, you need to make the best decision for the school, for the future that you believe in. Forget my father. Forget Logan O’Shane. And even forget me. You’ve got a school to run and a board to satisfy. I’ll accept your decision.”

I already have. In my mind I’m running through the things I have to clean up in the studio, the contents of my dorm room, whether or not to go home and lick my wounds or call up my cousin Tess and hide out with her for a while.

“That’s all you have to say, Miss Nichols?”

I nod, but then think of one more thing. “I guess I’d also like to thank you, and all the teachers here. It’s not easy to do what you all do. I appreciate the effort of educated people trying to educate other people. One thing I’ve learned is that sometimes the really important lessons come at a cost. And that’s a lesson that will serve me for the rest of my life.”

I turn to go.

“Miss Nichols?”

I turn back.

“I will consider what you have said when I bring my decision before the board. Until that decision is made, you are suspended from campus. I suggest you go home for a week until we sort this out.”

I nod. “Yes, Sir.”

“One more thing, Ava. Off the record, of course. Though you may not end up an alumni of this college, I will personally think of you as one of its most unconventionally learned students.”

His mouth turns up at the corners as he nods to dismiss me. I close the door behind me, knowing I’ve closed the door on a significant chapter of my life.

Ruby had sent me a text wishing me luck with my meeting with Dean Ascott. She also said she’d be in the student union cafeteria around that time. I haven’t eaten anything since before the art opening, so I head over that way after leaving the faculty building. I still don’t have much of an appetite but I know I’d better eat something to keep my strength up.

Walking across campus, I notice some people staring and pointing at me. I begin to worry that DnC’s stupid video has gone viral. I do my best to hold my head up high. I will welcome a week away from here while Dean Ascott makes his decision. I know my parents expect me to come home, but I’m thinking more along the lines of tracking down Logan in New York. But what if he doesn’t want me anymore? After making up and making love in the studio and then our sexy encounter during the art show, I find that painfully hard to believe, but the fact that he just ran away after last night, and hasn’t contacted me, makes me worry that something has changed drastically. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I want some answers. Ruby thinks he has a reason for leaving. Could it be that he
wants
me to follow him to New York?…

Standing in line at the cafeteria, I order macaroni and cheese. While it isn’t the healthiest choice, it’s my go-to comfort food. And I need some comforting.

I weave through tables with my tray searching for Ruby.

I see her sitting with Sheriann. Oh great. Is Ruby filling her in on last night? They look deeply engaged in conversation.

I overhear Ruby say, “So you’re sure about this?”

Sheriann nods.

“Sure about what?” I say, setting my tray down and taking a seat.

Ruby bites her lip. The look in her eyes is strange.

Sheriann smiles and gives me an intense knowing look. Clearly, she’s heard about DnC’s video fiasco. She says,

“Well, Ava, I don’t know whether to say congratulations, poor you, or rock on, girlfriend.” She shakes her head with disbelief, a bit of envy, pity, and, if I’m not mistaken, admiration.

“It’s fine with me if you don’t say anything at all.”

“Makes sense you’d be a bit grumpy the morning after. I’m just sorry I missed it, though it will make a great addition to my exposé.”

Sheriann’s eyes glitter with mischief.

Ruby’s packing up her bag like she wants to leave, though only a minute ago she was hanging on Sheriann’s every word.

“Let’s go, Ava,” she says. I’ve only just put my first forkful in my mouth. I shake my head and look at Sheriann.

“What exposé are you talking about?”

“It’s nothing,” says Ruby quickly. “Her writing project is an investigative biography.”

“On
Logan O’Shane
,” says Sheriann. “And Ava, of all people, will not be
very
interested in what I’ve just uncovered.”

I stop eating.

“This is the research that kept you from coming to the opening last night?”

“Yup.”

Ruby interjects before Sheriann can continue. “Sheriann decided to do her long form essay project as an investigative biography. For some dumb reason she asked Logan to be her subject. I still can’t believe he said yes.”

Sheriann smiles and winks. “I can be pretty
persuasive
.”

A surge of jealousy flares. Ruby shoots me a worried glance. I can tell she wants to change the subject or drag me out of here… But I’m more than curious now. Why didn’t Logan tell me about this project? How often had they been meeting?

“At first I chose him as an excuse to get a little
closer
to him, if you know what I mean,” says Sheriann.

Ruby bites her lip again and then looks as if she has no way to stop what’s coming next.

I put my fork down. A wave of queasiness washes through me.

“I have to admit, I was confused by his lack of response to my flirtations, but after the news last night, I guess I understand why now.” She gives a little defeated sigh.

“I interviewed him multiple times, and he never gave any indications…And as wild as his reputation has been, he’s pretty private — like, I never would have guessed you two had something going on. He really knows how to keep a secret. So I had to do some digging on my own.”

I take a few more bits of macaroni. She can’t possibly know more than I do, so I hear her out.

“He had a terrible childhood, an abusive father, but almost everyone knows that. But then I found out he lied about having a fiancée back in New York.”

“Is that all?” I’ve known that since the beginning of the year, or I wouldn’t have said yes to our secret affair.

“Yeah, I guess you would have known that part,” says Sheriann sitting back in her chair and narrowing her eyes at me.

“But he
did
have a fiancée. She broke it off with him.”

“What?” I thought the whole fiancée thing was a ruse, as story, with no basis in fact. “Logan told you that?”

She shakes her head. “Nope.”

“Then how do you know it’s true?”

“I interviewed
her
.”

I feel a knot of tension in my gut. This fictional fiancée character is real? And Sheriann has met her? My mind starts to spin.

“When did they break up?” I force myself to ask this question before I fully think through whether it matters or not. If it’s way in the past, it shouldn’t bother me. But why wouldn’t he have mentioned it?

“Right before he started here,” she says.

My heart sinks. That’s not very far in the past.

Sheriann’s expression is smug and proud as she carries on. “But that’s not all. She was
pregnant
.”

Now the room seems to tilt.

“She was pregnant, they were going to get married, but she lost the baby in the third month.”

A fiancée, a baby, and a miscarriage? This was starting to sound like a horrible novel.

“You’re sure?” My voice sounds strangely weak. Under the table, I feel Ruby place a reassuring hand on my knee.

Sheriann nods. “Absolutely. Her name’s Jesse Myers. She lives in Soho. They have a pretty nice apartment.”

‘They’? Logan’s voice echoes in my mind…
“I sublet my place for the term of the residency…”
Meaning he left her there? He ran away?

“Or
had
, rather,” says Sheriann correcting herself. “She’s agreed to move out before the school year’s over. After she lost the baby she could tell Logan didn’t want to get married anymore. Probably never did, she said, because of his own childhood. So they broke up.”

“What are you going to do with this information?” I say quietly, thinking of the added material from last night.

“I don’t know. It’s all in my draft now, for my term project. Though who knows who’ll mark it now that’s he’s hightailed it off campus.”

She’s worried about who’s going to mark her project while my heart and future are shattering?

She keeps babbling. “Maybe a magazine will be interested in my story, especially with the new campus affair twist.” She smiles at me. “Maybe I’ll make you famous, Ava.”

“Please don’t.” I feel sick to my stomach. I push away the mac n’ cheese.

I’ve stopped listening to Sheriann. I’m lost in this new story.

It changes things. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it does. What if she hadn’t lost the baby? Would he have come here to write his book if he had a pregnant fiancée back in New York? Would he still have asked me to be his muse? Would we still be having this affair?

Is any of this really true? But it must be. Sheriann met this woman. Her name is Jesse. Close to Jezebel, a character from one of his novels… Suddenly everything I thought I knew about Logan has shifted off its axis. Maybe I knew nothing. Maybe everything between us was a story I conjured in my imagination, and he just let me. Maybe I was just one in a long line of seduced muses.

“I have to go,” I say. I have to get out of here while my legs will still carry me. I have to get away from this campus before I break down completely.

After a heart-wrenching cry and a dozen text messages to Logan, all of which go unanswered, I finally give up and start packing my bag to leave.

While organizing my toiletries, Madeleine knocks on my door.

“Come in,” I say, and then return to packing.

“Dean Ascott told me you’re suspended and leaving until the board makes a decision.”

“Thanks for speaking up for me. I appreciate it.” I try to be strong, but a new surge of tears erupts.

“Oh, Ava.” She takes my hand. “This bureaucratic nonsense will blow over in no time.”

“It’s not that.” I reach for a tissue to blow my nose. “I haven’t heard anything from
him
.”

Madeleine nods. “Rich told me he skipped town already. Maybe he thinks it will be easier on you if he’s out of the picture. Maybe he’s trying to spare you more embarrassment.”

“He’s being selfish. And cowardly. I can’t believe I fell for all his lies.”

“He’s made no contact at all?”

“I know he called the Dean today, to say that he seduced me and that nothing’s my fault.”

“It’s not, you know. Not your fault or his. No one can control who they fall in love with.”

She sits on my bed and I sit beside her.

“It’s Dr. T, isn’t it? Rich. Your new love?”

She sighs and nods. “We were keeping things quiet until the summer. The policy applies to us, too. So if things work out between us, one of us might have to take a position elsewhere. Unless they rewrite the policy, which is what I’m fighting for.”

“Whatever the board decides, I think too much has happened between me and Logan for things to work out now. I learned some stuff about him that changes everything.”

“Like what?”

I shake my head. I don’t want to go into it.

“Stuff that make it impossible for us to have a happy ending.”

She squeezes my hands. “All lovers have tests and tribulations to face, Ava. Nothing’s insurmountable if there’s real, true love between two people.”

“Then it’s not real or true.” I stand up and zip up my bag.