Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (43 page)

Daniel stood with his arms hanging
loosely at his sides, undecided. Then he shrugged and went out.

Helen realised she was shaking. Heading
back into the lounge, she sat on the sofa, head in hands.
Marcio, why aren’t you here when I need you?

She needed to hold him, reaffirm her
feelings for him in light of Daniel’s declaration. But she had no
idea where he was. Plugging in her phone she tried to call him, but
his phone was switched off.

Trying not to read anything into the
unusual circumstance, Helen carefully carried the moses baskets
into the bedroom before collapsing fully-dressed onto the bed.

Chapter
Sixteen

Daniel began to haunt Helen, both in the
flesh and in her dreams. In the following week he came around
unannounced several times, each visit on the pretence of bringing
something for the babies, or because he was “in the neighbourhood.”
He didn’t repeat his declaration of love, but he was ceaselessly
attentive to her and the twins. It was unnerving.

As if dealing with a difficult toddler,
Helen decided to humour him as much as possible, without offering
any encouragement. Any initial feelings she had on seeing him again
soon evaporated as his continual presence began to chafe her
already raw nerves.

She spent her nights lying awake trying
to understand what was behind his sudden attention. Daniel never
did anything without having a plan.

After his third visit, Helen wondered
if she should tell Marcio. It was clear he suspected something,
although they spoke so rarely it was easy to avoid mentioning
Daniel’s shadow-like behaviour.

Looking at Marcio’s sleeping form in
the dark, Helen wondered how they had gone from the first flush of
romance to old married couple so quickly. Except they weren’t
married of course. She couldn’t imagine Marcio wanting to marry
anyone, after being jilted, least of all her.

I’m damaged goods, I’m battered and
bruised, emotionally wrecked and physically hideous. Whatever
reason Daniel has for visiting or Marcio has for staying, it can’t
be because of me.

Some shivering instinct told her it was
Daniel as soon as the doorbell rang. It was the fourth time that
week, and each time he seemed to appear not long after Marcio left
for his next assignment. It began to dawn on Helen that Daniel was
timing his visits deliberately, to ensure she was alone in the
apartment.

Tired of humouring him, Helen was
confrontational as soon as she opened the door. With James on one
hip, she glared at him, door still in hand.

“What now?”

“I was just passing.”

“Rubbish. That excuse is wearing thin.
What do you want?”

“To see you and the twins.”

“You’ve seen us, now please leave.”

“Helen, darling, you look tired. At
least let me make you a cup of tea.”

Jasmine’s crying could be heard coming
from the lounge. Helen glared at Daniel, but couldn’t find the
energy to force him out the door.

“Here, make yourself useful.” She
handed James to him and went to see to her daughter.

Jasmine needed changing. She was
tempted to give her to Daniel to change, but didn’t want to risk
him hurting her in his ignorance, so she busied herself with the
task while Daniel tried to placate James. He wasn’t having much
joy: it seemed James shared his mother’s desire for him to
leave.

Daniel handed James back with relief,
his suave calm ruffled at the squirming and squalling. James
settled as soon as he was in his mother’s arms.

“There’s a man who knows what he wants.
I like that.”

He came towards her and Helen felt a
strange sensation ripple across her skin at the look on his
face.

“I know what I want as well, Helen. I
want you. Have you thought any more about my proposal?”

“Daniel, you’re being ridiculous. I
left you. I’m with Marcio now. You had your chance, your chance
with me, your chance to be the twins’ father, and you blew it.”

“I made a mistake. You took me by
surprise, that’s all. I’ve had time to realise what I threw
away.”

“Time to frolic with your new lady
friend, you mean.”

A twitch of irritation passed across
Daniel’s face. “Who told you about that? No, you don’t need to tell
me. Maria.”

“Does it matter? You replaced me. I
don’t know why you’re back. Quite frankly I don’t care. I won’t
deny you access to the twins but, please, leave me alone.”

“Helen, I love you. You have always
been the most important thing in my life, my soul mate.”

Once the words would have melted all
her resistance. Without realising it, they were the words she had
longed to hear from him, spontaneously like that, as if from the
heart. For a moment she hesitated and unconsciously took a step
forward, her eyes never leaving Daniel’s face. As a result, she
caught the glimmer of triumph that lit his eyes, before he had his
emotions back under control. It was enough to break the spell.

She knew then it was all a sham.
Whatever his reason for being here, it wasn’t due to love. The
realisation caused old wounds to reopen and her response was pure
anger. Suddenly all the rage, the loneliness and fear, spilled over
in a torrent of words.

“Don't make me laugh, it makes my
stitches hurt. You never loved me. Maybe the idea of me, once. Not
now though, now I’m fat, puffy, tired. You conceal it well but
inside you are repulsed.”

As before, like a flicker in the
picture, the softness in Daniel’s face shimmered and Helen saw a
glimpse of hardness underneath. It was gone in a moment, but the
goosebumps on her arms told her she hadn’t imagined it, any more
than she had imagined his look of victory.

Daniel reached out his arms towards
her, taking her limp hands and holding them in a strong grasp. The
softness in his face was replaced by something else; something
nearer his true expression. Helen tried to pull her hands away, but
he held them firm.

“Okay, if we're going to deal in home
truths, I may not love you in the romantic way you seem to think is
the only way, but I need you, and the babies. You are the family I
have always wanted.”

Helen still wasn’t convinced. Daniel
was the most self-sufficient man she knew.

His expression changed again and
Helen’s mind began to spin as she tried to keep up with his
changing mood. Now his face was all business, as if he were about
to deliver difficult news to a client.

“Helen, you're a loving mother, but
it's clear you are not coping. As my wife, in my house, you'll have
all the help you'll ever need. Then no one need ever wonder if the
babies would be better off without you.”

And there it was. Her fears that he
would try for custody, the terrible dagger she had unconsciously
been waiting for, all sheathed in platitudes and pretence. She
shivered and turned away, moving towards the sleeping babies,
longing to snatch them out their cribs and hold them close.

Daniel’s face spoke louder than words
his satisfaction that the point had been made. Forestalling the
swell of angry words building in Helen’s mind, he held his hand up
as if to say, enough for now. Without uttering another word he
turned and left the room, while Helen stood helpless and alone.

As he closed the front door behind him,
Daniel whistled a little tune.

The overpowering scent of aftershave
told Marcio that Daniel had been round. With the smell catching in
his throat, and twisting his stomach, he went in search of Helen.
He found her working, her laptop set up on the dining table. As he
observed her from the doorway he thought how small she seemed,
slumped forward over the desk, resting her head on one hand.

“Hard day?” He walked over and rubbed
her shoulders. She flinched at his touch, and he dropped his hands
immediately.

“No it's been fine, they slept this
afternoon.”

“Did you?”

“No. I tried, but I worry something
will happen to them.” She checked they were breathing a dozen times
a day. “Besides, I need to get back to work. Your advance isn’t
going to cover us for ever.”

“Helen, you
need
to sleep.”

“It's fine, I can sleep later, now
you're home.”

“It is beginning to feel like you're
avoiding me.” He hovered, uncertain, not wanting to encroach on her
space by sitting down at the table next to her.

“How can you say that? You're the one
out all day. I'm sorry if this is harder than you thought it would
be,” she bit out the words, fear giving them barbs. She stared
blankly at the screen in front of her, not able to face him. “I’m
sorry it isn’t the happy ever after you wanted.”

“A happy ending is just a story that
hasn’t finished yet.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Helen
turned at his words, her eyes fierce.

“Nothing.” He shrugged wearily. “I
don’t know; it’s just a saying.”

“Are you telling me we’re finished?
That you want out, is that it?” Her words frightened her; she
hadn’t meant to challenge him, afraid at what he might say.

Marcio pursed his lips and turned
abruptly, heading into the kitchen to put the kettle on; to stop
himself from saying the words that flooded his brain.

He came back through with a cup of tea.
Leaving it on the table next to her computer, he stood without
speaking, as if unsure what to say; willing Helen to say something,
anything, to make it all okay.

Helen stared at her laptop without
seeing, aware of Marcio’s motionless form. The time and space
stretched between them, distended like an over-inflated balloon.
Helen felt she might burst from the pressure.

“I'm going to get changed,” Marcio said
eventually, walking across the lounge to the bedroom.

When she was sure he'd left the room,
Helen laid her face on her hands and shook with silent sobs.

In the bedroom Marcio oscillated
between rage and despair; He felt he had already lost her, that she
was only biding her time before announcing she was going back to
Daniel. It was so clear to him she was concealing things. Maybe it
was for the best. Daniel could provide a better life for the
children and whatever he had thought in the past they were clearly
important to him now.

If only I could believe Daniel would
be a better father or would make Helen happier than I can
.
Marcio sat on the bed, elbows on knees, head hanging low,
contemplating the dirty laundry littering the floor.

He tried to picture Helen moving back
in with Daniel, tried to work out whether it would be a better life
for her and the twins, shying away from the revulsion he felt when
he thought of her living back with him. When he bent his mind to
imagining it, all he could see was a future without light. It felt
like shards in his soul to face being alone again. Not just being
alone, he thought, but being without
them
. He had thought
his love for Helen could not be matched, but the love he felt for
the twins was deeper still. Despite not being their father he had
seem them come into the world, had held them when they were minutes
old. It was a memory seared into his heart forever.

He returned to the lounge, determined
to force a confession from Helen. He needed to know exactly where
he stood. When he strode into the room, words hot and sharp in his
mouth, he stopped short and forced himself to swallow them. It
would have to wait.

Helen was lying with her eyes closed,
head on her arms, her face wet with tears. All the fight left him
at the sight. Brushing the hair from her flushed face he dropped a
kiss on her hair.

“Whatever happens I will always love
you, all of you.”

As he tiptoed from the room, Helen's
tears began anew, running down her face and across her stinging
lips until she thought she would drown in them.

Chapter
Seventeen

Looking up from the Sunday papers,
Marcio thought how happy he should have been. Mid-morning sun was
attempting to breach the windows, inviting them outdoors to the
park. Helen was curled on the sofa, feeding Jasmine, while James
lay gurgling on his play mat. His mood should have been as light as
the sky he could see through the grimy window. Instead it was more
like the grime; smoky, black and impenetrable. Beneath the
picture-perfect surface he could feel the structure of his
relationship with Helen creaking under the weight of the silence.
They had been sat together for over an hour and Helen had yet to
speak.

I have to get out of the house,
Marcio thought, as he watched Helen staring blankly out the window.
I don’t know how to break through; I don’t have the
words.

He needed to know when she was going to
leave; when she would pack her bags and return to Daniel. He had
prepared himself for the worst, now it was all about the waiting.
He needed to know, also, that he could still see the twins. He had
no right to, of course, but he had seen them come into the world.
They were his, in his heart, and it tore him apart to think he
might never see them again.

“I’m taking the twins out,” he
announced. Helen merely shrugged before looking down to see if
Jasmine had finished her feed. Seeing that she had fallen asleep,
she hooked in a finger to separate the latch, then passed her to
Marcio without making eye contact.

He gently loaded the babies into the
bassinets, tucking blankets around them against the February chill.
There was a pocket park a few minutes’ walk away where other dads
often took their children on a Sunday. It comforted him, being near
other fathers, even though they rarely spoke.

With the bassinets loaded onto the pram
frame, Marcio stood in the doorway, hesitating, as he looked back
at Helen. He wanted to ask her to come too. He could count one of
Jasmine’s tiny hands the amount of times they’d walked together as
a family. The words were in his throat, but his mouth was dry, and
the words died unspoken. Even though he stood for several minutes,
Helen never once looked up to see why he hadn’t left.