America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 1: Feeling Lucky (3 page)

“
That makes no sense. Are
you sure that’s all there is to it?”

“
There are also some health
concerns holding up FDA approval,” advised the clerk. “Risks of an
enlarged heart and stress to your liver and kidneys. But I think
the upside potential far outweighs the downside.”

“
Does it really work?” I
asked. “It’s not being old that upsets me as much as being fat and
old.”

“
It will make you look
twenty years old again by regenerating and organizing your cells.
How old are you? Sixty? The chip does not really make you young.
Nothing can do that. The Fountain of Youth chip merely directs your
body to run at peak efficiency. You will feel and look great, as
long as you don’t have a heart attack or suffer from any
pre-existing ailments that would kill you anyway. Are you in good
health? You don’t drink a lot do you?”

“
I’m in great health. And I
am not anywhere near sixty,” I lied. “I’ll take it. How
much?”

“
$400,000, and that’s at a
discount,” the tech clerk answered. “I’m telling you. It’s now or
never. And for $100,000 more, I’ll throw in a Sexual Enhancement
chip, a Fast Learning Training chip, and an Enhanced Vision and
Reaction chip. What more can I do to make this deal happen?” He was
making a good pitch for a big sale, but he had me at the
door.

“
OK, it’s a deal,” I said. I
held out my arm and the tech clerk shot four chips into me. Nothing
happened. I felt the same. I reached for my gun, but it wasn’t
there.

“
Whoa tiger, it takes time,”
said the tech clerk, sensing my anger. “Would you be interested in
our five-year limited warranty for only $25,000 more?”

“
Yes.” I held out my arm as
he scanned in the five-year limited warranty particulars and fine
print.

“
Now go home and have a good
night’s sleep. You will literally be a new man in the
morning.”

* * * * *

I walked out through the shopping mall
adjacent to the casino and through the hotel lobby with a nice
bounce to my step. I was feeling good about my prospects. The
police had put up barrier tape and were taking photos of the
shot-up ATM. I heard a beep as I walked by the crime scene. I was
being scanned. My back stiffened as I stopped to talk to the
officer. “Is it dead?” I asked.

“
Very,” the officer
answered. “Nothing but a pile of junk now.”

“
What was that beep I just
heard?”

“
Just a spasm of death,” the
officer explained. “Maybe static electricity. They will bring in a
replacement tomorrow. It’s nothing but scrap metal now.”

“
Who would shoot an ATM?” I
asked innocently. “Any suspects?”

“
How did you know it was
shot?” asked the officer, eyeing me with suspicion.

“
Are you kidding?” I quickly
answered. “You could hear the shots clear across the
casino.”

“
Oh, quite right,” said the
officer. “It was probably peace activists. They are a violent
bunch.”

“
I’m sure you’ll catch
them,” I said as I strode to the elevator. As I opened the door to
my room, I was greeted by Bubba Jones. Shit, some days just aren’t
worth getting up for.

“
Welcome to Mars,
Czerinski,” said Bubba, smiling. Then he shot me in the
head.

CHAPTER 3

“
Joey R. Czerinski, can you
hear me?”

“
Yes, as a matter of fact I
can. I can’t see you. I can’t touch you. But I sure can hear you,
loud and clear. You sound like you are inside my head. Am I dead?
Or is this a near-death experience? Or maybe if I just keep
talking, I will wake up from a bad dream. If this is death,
shouldn’t I see a white light off in the distance, with my loved
ones calling to me? I don’t have any loved ones, so maybe I should
be just be seeing a red glow, with my creditors calling out to me.
Or an ATM calling out to me.”

“
My name is Doctor Horton
Fischer. You are not having a bad dream, and you are not dead yet.
You are in a coma, and I am communicating with you through a neural
transmission device. Do you remember being shot in the
head?”

“
You bet I do!” I replied.
“Bubba Jones shot me. Call the police. I want him arrested for
murder.”

“
Actually,” said Dr.
Fischer, “a sheriff’s detective is standing right next to me
looking into the matter.”

“
Oh?” I asked. “I invoke
doctor/patient privacy and my constitutional right to remain
silent.”

“
Why?” asked a different
voice. “Are you feeling guilty about something? I am Detective
Michael McCoy, and I just happened to be in the hotel investigating
another shooting when I got the call. You got any beefs with the
United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion?”

“
None at all. The Legion is
a fine organization.”

“
That’s quite a stuffed bear
you have in your room.”

“
It’s a grizzly,” I replied.
“I never got to see it.”

“
Your shooting seems to be
an open and shut case,” said Detective McCoy. “Bubba Jones served
you with a valid debt collection warrant, you resisted arrest, and
Mr. Jones exercised his right per the bond to shoot your deadbeat
ass on the spot. He took your gold chains as payment for said debt,
and left a receipt for your heirs should said debt collection later
be contested by your estate. All nice and legal.”

“
Yes, except the debt
warrant, the resisting arrest clause, and the $25,000 bond was all
done on Old Earth,” I protested. “This is Mars. That warrant is not
valid in this jurisdiction.”

“
While it is true we don’t
allow extradition to Old Earth from Mars for civil warrants,”
agreed the detective, “the court hasn’t been clear about whether
the warrant can still be served here on Mars. Courts in different
jurisdictions tend to honor each others’ judgments. I think your
grievance against Mr. Jones & Associates will have to be
pursued as a civil action. At this time it’s just not a police
matter.”

“
What? Murder is just a
civil matter? When did the law change on that? Why am I even
talking to you?
Idiot.
You’re worthless! Doc! How about waking me up?”

“
There is, however, the
matter of the unregistered nine-millimeter handgun with filed off
serial numbers we found under the pillow of your bed,” said
Detective McCoy. “It’s a nice old piece. Is it yours?”

“
No, it’s not mine. Bubba
probably left it there just to make me look bad. I did not resist
arrest. If you check hotel computer archives and video you will
find that I had not even entered my room until the very moment I
was shot. That is proof that gun is not mine. Right?”

“
We are checking the gun for
prints, DNA, skin, and fibers. I suggest you come clean on the
gun.”

“
I suggest you get me a
lawyer,” I said, trying to be smooth. “I have already exercised my
right to remain silent. I have rights!”

“
How about I cut off your
oxygen supply?” asked the detective, pinching a clear plastic tube
by my bed. I started twitching. I could feel the discomfort, even
though I was in a coma. I could sense an alarm beeper going
off.

“
That sounds like coercion,”
I shot back. “What are you doing? Stop touching things! I have
constitutional rights.”

“
Not on Mars you don’t.
Colonial law is much more practical. We have limited resources and
don’t tolerate dead weight. I’ll throw you out an airlock on a whim
if I feel like it,” threatened McCoy.

“
Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t
mean to be rude,” I said contritely. “I respect the difficult job
you police do. Did you find my prints on the gun?”

“
No,” replied Detective
McCoy.

“
Well there you go.” I
brightened. “I told you the gun was not mine.”

“
We did find a partial
print, and we are following up on that lead. Alright, I have your
statement. Anything you wish to add? If you lied about anything,
your last lucent moments of life will be spent choking on Martian
dust after I throw you out an airlock for being an undesirable on
Mars. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
That’s not a problem here on Mars.”

“
I love you, too, McCoy. Hey
Doc, how long before you can fix me up?” Hospitals are not healthy
places to stay, I thought. And cops, they never believe
anybody.

“
I removed the bullet. I
thought you would suffer brain damage, maybe never walk or talk
again. However, your brain appears to be repairing itself at an
amazing rate. Quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s
almost a miracle. There will be some cosmetic surgery needed on
your skull, of course. I didn’t want to say anything while the
sheriff’s detective was here, but some illegal computer chips in
your arm might have had something to do with mitigating your brain
damage and the subsequent healing. We think that Fountain of Youth
chip had just started to kick in when you were shot. A combination
of quick medical response and accelerated cell growth saved your
life,” the doctor concluded.

“
Great! So, you can fix me?”
I asked.

“
There is still the matter
of your bill. New Boston General Hospital is not a charity
hospital. We take cash only, or we work with your health plan. Do
you have a health plan?” asked Dr. Fischer.

“
Did you check my card?” I
asked.

“
Yes, and $650,000 is
impressive. But the bill will be $1,000,000. Brain surgery isn’t
cheap. Do you have other accounts? Otherwise, I’m afraid we will
have to pull the plug,” warned Dr. Fisher.

“
Harrah’s Hotel may be
liable for my expenses because their poor security allowed Bubba
Jones & Associates to violate my privacy and enter my suite in
violation of my wishes. If none of that had happened, I wouldn’t
have been injured. Can you contact Harrah’s Hotel? Maybe they will
agree to a settlement,” I suggested.

“
I will have one of our
social workers and a representative from our business office
contact Harrah’s and get back with you,” promised Dr.
Fischer.

“
One last thing Doc,” I
said. “Don’t unplug me unless you talk to me first. I might have
other sources of income. Okay?”

“
Sure,” said the
doctor.

“
And keep McCoy away from me
too. He was bluffing, right? That cop can’t really throw me out an
airlock on a whim can he?”

“
I would not push McCoy if I
were you.”

* * * * *

It was unnerving being in a coma. Very dark.
Nothing to do but think and wiggle my little finger. It was very
lonely. Finally the doctor’s reassuring voice came back. “A
representative from Harrah’s Hotel & Casino is here with me
now,” said Dr. Fischer. “Mr. Depoli.”

“
Harrah’s is willing to
settle out of court for $100,000, Mr. Czerinski, and not a penny
more, in exchange for your written promise not to make public any
of this matter. And, Harrah’s does not admit any wrongdoing
whatsoever,” added Mr. Depoli.

“
I want a million dollars,
and I want Harrah’s to put up a large billboard sign admitting I
was murdered because Harrah’s employees negligently let thugs into
my suite without my permission,” I demanded.

“
Ridiculous. I’m doing you a
favor by just being here,” said Depoli. “If I walk away, you will
be unplugged and will die. Then you won’t be able to sue anyone.
You have no family. No one cares about you. In fact, I have a mind
to unplug you myself, you deadbeat bum. Doctor, it is my legal
opinion this man is dead. Either that or he will always be a
vegetable. It is inhumane to just allow him to linger in agony like
this, and it is also a terrible waste of limited hospital
resources. At least increase the morphine drip. There certainly is
precedent under colonial law to just let him pass to a better place
or wherever.”

“
I am still alive! I have a
family, too! They will hunt you down! Who are you? Some kind of
bloodsucking lawyer?”

“
Of course I’m a lawyer,”
responded Depoli.

“
Did I tell you the King of
California is a personal friend of mine? Arnold is staying next
door. I’m connected. I know people! Check it out. Doctor, talk to
me!”

“
And you are pond scum,”
Depoli shot back. “I’ve seen thousands like you come to Mars.
You’re bugs attracted to the bright lights. You can’t help yourself
but to come here. But Mars doesn’t want you. We have laws for your
type. So I’m out of here if you don’t negotiate with me in good
faith. What is your decision?”

“
Wait! I’ll settle for
$200,000,” I said, trying not to sound too desperate. “You sound
like a cop. Are you sure you’re a lawyer?”

“
I am not a heartless man,”
explained Depoli. “I feel your pain. But I have a job to do. I have
to represent the best interests of the resort industry and
Harrah’s. I’ll tell you what. To prevent poor publicity at the
height of the tourist season, I am authorized to accept your
$200,000 settlement offer. It’s a better deal than you deserve. The
money will be on your card within minutes.”

“
Thank you,” said. “I guess
you’re not so bad for a lawyer.”