After Summer (9 page)

It was the final swim meet of the year, and Beth was ready.

The fact was, she loved to compete. The thrill of pitting your mind and body against the clock and your competitors—she loved it. She loved the rush of adrenaline when the starting gun went off and the clench of her toes against the racing block right before she dove in.

It was exhilarating.

It was also a great way to avoid thinking about the troubles in her own life. After the Halloween fiasco, things between her and George had been stilted and awkward. But Beth had been so busy practicing for the big meet, she’d managed to somehow avoid George—and avoid talking about what had happened. But it nagged away at her—in
the shower, doing homework, IMing with Jamie—all the time.

But sitting in the locker room just moments after Coach Katy had finished her
go kick some butt
speech, Beth felt her stress begin to melt away and turn into adrenaline. She tucked her hair into her swim cap and grabbed her goggles and her towel. Then she took a deep breath.

“This is going to be fun,” Katy said, falling into step beside Beth. “The other coach is this totally sexist old guy, and we’re going to hand him his ass.”

“Hell yeah, we are,” Beth replied.

“Excellent,” Katy said, and grinned at Beth as they stepped from the chilly corridor into the wet, humid heat of the pool room.

There was already a crowd, and pennants waving merrily at the ends of the lanes. Beth scanned the bleachers, and spotted George next to her parents. Her stomach clenched just a little. He gave her two big thumbs-up, and cheered. Despite any recent issues, she was so glad to have him there.

Beth grinned quickly in his direction, and then she focused on the water.

Don’t think,
she told herself.
Just do.

Beth loved to swim. To race. She loved the ritual of the words.

Swimmers, take your mark.

Beth climbed onto her racing block.

Get set.

Poised and still for that breath, anything was possible, and Beth imagined herself reaching out so far she touched the other end of the pool in one long, elegant dive—

And then the gun.

Beth launched herself into the air. The flex of muscle and the sweet slice into the water. Then the pull against her hands, her side, her face. She sensed the right moment to glide forward and flip, then pushed off again with another huge push. More reaching. More pulling. Until she smacked the wall with her hand, and won her race.

By a long shot.

Beth climbed from the pool, beaming at the shouted congratulations and wet hugs from her teammates. Lance gave her an approving pat on the shoulder. And Katy looked at her with that measuring look she had, and then smiled.

“Good job,” was all she said, but Beth knew that, from Katy, those words truly meant something.

The rest of the meet went by like clockwork. Starting guns, splashes, cries of Martin victory again and again. With each race, the crowd became more and more vocal, their cheers and fight songs reverberating off every wall. It was so loud that during the very last heat, the swimmers almost missed the pop of the starting gun. Almost.

Martin won, blowing the other team out of the proverbial water. Beth and the rest of her team leaped into the pool with wild victory cries. It had been such a long, hard season, but to Beth, so unbelievably worth it.

After she had changed, Beth made her way over to the stands, and found George.

“You were amazing!” he cried. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks,” she said, and smiled at him, willing everything to stop being so weird between them.

Beth kissed and hugged her parents, who then busied themselves arguing about car keys.

“We should go out for a celebratory dinner,” George announced. “Steak! Lobster! Steak and lobster!”

Beth smiled again, and looked away.

“That’s really sweet of you,” she said. She wished things didn’t feel so stilted. Even the words coming out of her mouth. “But the team is going to hang out. There’s a party.”

“Oh.”

She could have invited him. A few months ago, she wouldn’t have thought twice. Beth wondered what was wrong with her, and blinked, then opened her mouth to issue the invite.

“Well, that’s okay,” George said. “It doesn’t matter, right? The point is, now that swimming is over for the season, we can spend all our time together again.” His eyes lit
up. “I mean, sure, things haven’t been ideal, and I’d like to officially apologize for being a bonehead as of late. But I think everything is going to go back to normal now.” His relief was palpable.

Beth looked back across the stands at her teammates, then back at George.

“You think swimming was the problem?” she asked softly. How could he think such a thing, when swimming had been like a refuge for her over the past months? Didn’t he know that?

“Well, yeah,” George said with his trademark grin, but Beth could tell it was mostly bravado. “What else could it be?”

He was clearly as nervous as she was to find out. And Beth tried to hold on to the idea that maybe things between George and her would go back to normal, staring tomorrow. There’d be no more practice, no more distractions, no place for her to hide. But instead of feeling relief, all she felt was the water dripping off her fingers.

“I’ll call you later when I get home. Maybe, if it’s not too late, we can go catch a movie or something.”

“Okay, Bethy,” George said. He took her hand in his, gave it a little squeeze, and let it go just as quickly.

There were so many reasons to like Ryan, Ella thought with a happy sigh, reclining in the passenger seat of his shiny red car. He was so different from Jeremy.

Ella liked that Ryan noticed, even while he was driving, that her long legs were stretched out in front of her. He grinned, and then reached over to give her thigh a quick squeeze. Ella liked sitting in the fast little red car and having the people in all the other cars stare at them in wonder.

Not that they needed the car to get attention. That was just a bonus. There had been all kinds of staring going on in the movie theater, too. Ella had pretended not to notice the way a trio of hot boys had been eyeing her. And she’d loved
the way Ryan seemed to attract the attention of every female in the place. Together, they practically glowed.

All in all, it was the perfect Friday night, Ella thought. And it was about to get even better.

“Where to?” Ryan asked when they arrived at the crucial intersection. A right turn would lead to Ella’s house and the end of the evening, because Ella’s mom didn’t allow boys in the house. Left would take them to Ryan’s, where, he’d made sure to mention, his parents had left him on his own all weekend while they visited old friends up in Waterbury.

Ella, naturally, had decided where the evening would end hours before Ryan had even picked her up.

“Oh,” she said, biting her glossy bottom lip as if she couldn’t decide. “My house, I guess.”

“Really?” Ryan looked at her.

Ella pretended to consider. Then she pretended to waver when Ryan leaned over and kissed her lips slowly, sensuously, his hands in her hair.

“My house,” she murmured again regretfully, when the car behind them honked impatiently.

“I don’t want to take you home,” Ryan said, but he turned right anyway. “I’ve been looking forward to this all week.”

Which was all the more reason to make him wait for it, Ella thought. The physical came almost too easy to them.
Amazingly, they hadn’t had sex yet. Not even once. It was hard as hell, but Ella knew it was the smart thing to do.

“I know,” she said breathlessly, twisting in the seat so she could look at him.

“What about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow should work,” Ella said carefully. “I hope so.”

“Me, too,” he murmured, squeezing her thigh again.

When he pulled into the driveway, he turned off the car. Then he reached over to haul Ella into his arms for a hot, almost frustrated kiss.

She knew she totally had him.

So she relaxed into it, and kissed him back, their tongues meeting, their hands everywhere. It was almost perfect.

But the fact was, Ella wanted the
more
that Jeremy had taught her could exist in relationships. She wanted the emotional connection Kelsi always talked about. She wanted it
in addition
to lots of fun, incredible sex, but she still wanted it.

But then again, what good was the
more
if it was hundreds of miles away? Jeremy was a good guy—no, a great guy. That wasn’t in question. She’d always think the best of him, maybe even see him as the one that got away. The reason for their breakup was purely a location issue. And Ryan was here, now. Simple as that.

And she didn’t see any reason whatsoever that Ryan
shouldn’t give her exactly what she wanted. After all, they were totally in sync with each other. Right?

She stopped him when his hand was getting a little too far up her skirt, and wriggled out of his hold, laughing.

“Tomorrow,” she whispered, like she was making a promise.

“Yeah.” He could barely speak.

“Oh,” she said, pretending to be casual. “By the way…what does your family do for Thanksgiving?”

Ryan stretched, and ran his fingers through his hair. “Not much. It’s pretty low-key. My relatives are all in South Dakota, and we don’t go out there or anything.”

“Oh yeah?” Ella considered. “Well, my cousins are coming here this year. I thought I’d, you know, show you off.”

She expected him to grin and maybe preen a little bit. Instead, he shifted in his seat.

“Like, to your family?” He looked at her. “Why?”

“Because you’re my boyfriend and you’re hot,” Ella said.
Duh.
And because she liked him and wanted to move things to a new level—which she knew better than to say.

“
You’re
the one who’s hot,” Ryan told her, leaning in to her neck and starting to nibble on it. Ella pulled away.

“It’s a big deal that I’m even allowed to invite you,” she told him. “The only person who’s ever brought a guy around
before is my cousin Beth, and only because her boyfriend is like a member of the family.”

“Uh-huh.” He was paying far more attention to her breasts than he was to what she was saying.

Once again, she pulled away.

“So, do you want to come or not?” she asked with the slightest edge in her tone.

Ryan sighed, and sat back. He actually rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said. “Now can we stop talking?”

“Fine,” Ella snapped at him, annoyed that he was agreeing solely to shut her up. Did he think she couldn’t tell? But she smiled at him to take the sting out of her voice, and then climbed out of the car.

As she sauntered ever-so-slowly to the front door, knowing he was watching the way her hips swung back and forth, she congratulated herself.

Who cared why he’d agreed? He’d agreed. He would come to Thanksgiving dinner.

He would bond with her family, which would inevitably bring him closer to Ella.

They were perfect for each other, she reminded herself. The fact that Ryan was so much like her just meant she knew how to make sure he saw the light. She knew how to make him do whatever she wanted. No doubt about it.

The days were grim, cold, and almost sunless, which would have upset Kelsi if she had time to care.

Which she wished she did. Instead, she had midterms.

“Oh, my God,” Taryn moaned from her bed, where she’d spread out all of her books and notebooks so she wouldn’t be tempted to sleep. “I can’t believe how much I hate
the entire world
right now.”

“I finished my last two exams today,” Kelsi replied in the same miserable tone from her place at her desk, where she’d been sitting and staring at a blank Word document for hours. “Which I would be happy about, if it weren’t for the huge English paper I haven’t started yet. You know—the one due tomorrow?”

Taryn made a
pfft
noise and waved her hand dismissively. “English is easy. You can make shit up.”

“My theory exactly,” Kelsi agreed.

“Unlike history, which, um, what the hell was I thinking?” Taryn rubbed at her eyes. “I have to compile research before I can even
begin
my paper, also due tomorrow.”

“I’m flunking out,” Kelsi said with a sigh. “I knew this would happen.”

“Please, you’ve been studying so hard. I mean, when’s the last time you even saw Tim? Like weeks ago?”

Kelsi’s stomach dropped. It had been a while since they decided to meet for a study date. The coffee shop they chose had a strict No Talking During Finals Week policy, which Tim and Kelsi
seemed
all too happy to obey. They flipped pages and sipped java in stark silence, pausing every so often for a smile. But they didn’t need a textbook to tell them that things were different. They just were.

“I’ve been busy,” Kelsi stammered. “And Tim! You know, with all his frat stuff, he’s really fallen behind in his classes. We’re just, uh, taking an extended break for studying. Just to make sure we don’t end up cleaning windows for a living.”

Taryn shot Kelsi a wry smile.

The CD ended with a Bloc Party song and Kelsi hit play again, smiling when the music started. She’d been listening to the CD on repeat ever since Bennett had given it to her.

“So…” Taryn said.

Kelsi turned, and saw Taryn looking across the room at her with a curious expression on her face.

“What?” she asked.

“My brother wanted to make sure I told you he said hi,” Taryn said, studying Kelsi’s face, her eyebrows raised. “He made, like, a significant deal out of it.”

“Oh,” Kelsi said, keeping her face carefully blank. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah,” Taryn said. “Because that’s my brother. Randomly, insistently,
aggressively
nice.”

Kelsi shrugged, and hoped the heat she felt on her face was because of the clanking radiator in the room and not her own tendency to blush.

“How many times have we listened to this CD?” Taryn asked. “One hundred and fifty-seven? Or maybe we’re in the two hundreds by now, I’m not sure.”

Again, Kelsi just shrugged, and this time she was certain even her ears were crimson with embarrassment.

Tim,
she told herself firmly.
Think of Tim.
But it didn’t work.

Since Halloween, it was as if Kelsi’s eyes had been opened in a certain way, and she just couldn’t close them again. It wasn’t that she was mad at Tim exactly—she just felt less consumed by him. More removed from him. It didn’t help that even though he never asked directly if she was
ready, every time they fooled around, it was like she could
feel
him waiting. Like if she said one word, he would jump on it. On her.

It made her feel wary. And kind of sad. Like Tim was a different guy than that funny, irreverent one who’d won her heart by being such a wiseass last summer.

A sudden wave of panic got Kelsi into gear. She looked back at her laptop and began typing like mad about Chaucer and Shakespeare. She worked feverishly until a knock on the door broke her concentration.

It was Tim.

“I know you’re busy,” he said, looking around at the midterm madness that had overtaken the room. The place was a mess of notes, books cracked open, forgotten mugs, and bowls of dried-up ramen. He cleared his throat. “I just had to see you.”

“Break time!” Taryn cried, standing up. “I’m going to get some coffee and snacks.” Just like that, she cleared out.

Kelsi sort of wished she could, too.

“I’ve hardly seen you over the past couple of weeks,” Tim said, walking over to her desk chair and putting his hands on her shoulders.

“I have midterms,” Kelsi said, twisting toward him so he couldn’t keep his hands there.

“We all have midterms,” Tim replied at once. “You’re avoiding me.” His face looked hard.

Kelsi sighed. But she didn’t deny it. “You haven’t exactly been banging down my door, either, Tim. Our relationship is a two-way street.”

“Right. I know.” He crammed his hands into the pockets of his faded jeans. “I guess I’ve been scared.”

Scared.
Kelsi pondered the word. Was Tim scared that she didn’t love him anymore? Or was he just scared that she’d never give it up? “I know college changes people, Tim. And we’ve both become so different over the last few months. But there’s a part of me that hasn’t changed. And I have to be true to myself.”

Tim walked a few paces back. Kelsi watched him move. He was so athletic. He had that way of walking, of rocking back on his heels.

“I love you, Kelsi.” Tim’s eyes searched her face. “I’ve tried to be supportive. You know that. But, yeah—it’s been hard.”

Bennett’s CD played in the background, and Kelsi suddenly thought about the jerk who’d dumped her in high school because she hadn’t wanted to sleep with him. And the even bigger jerk in Pebble Beach who’d done the same.

Tim respected the fact that she wanted to wait until she was ready, but he assumed it would be a finite waiting period. Whenever Kelsi told him she wasn’t ready, the “yet” was always implied.

Maybe Bennett was right. She was an idealist. But this was who she was right now. And she didn’t want to be with someone who was waiting for her to change.

Kelsi didn’t want to judge Tim too harshly, because she
did
love him. But she wondered if the reasons she’d loved him only made sense in the mess of last summer, when she was reeling from her huge fight with Ella, and Tim had seemed like such a rock. Maybe they weren’t the people they’d seemed to be in all that sunshine and sea air. Maybe here, in their real lives, they were strangers after all.

“I don’t think what’s going on here is about my virginity,” Kelsi said slowly. “Not really.”

“What do you mean?” Tim looked confused.

“I don’t like frat parties,” Kelsi said, holding his gaze. “I don’t think drinking beer is a fun sport, and I don’t have any interest in football. You do.”

“Here we go again with the dumb jock, frat-guy bull,” Tim said, temper kicking into his voice.

Kelsi raised her hands in the air. “I’m not saying that,” she said. “But maybe we don’t have anything in common except the fact we love each other. And I’m…not sure that’s enough.”

Tim stared at her for a long moment.

“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked quietly, holding her gaze.

Kelsi could hear the melancholy chords of one of the songs, and she felt a tremendous sadness move through her.

“Yes,” she said, and was surprised that her voice sounded so clear. So sure.

A few days later, after all the crying and talking, Kelsi was helping Taryn carry out armfuls of dirty laundry to stuff inside Bennett’s hatchback. She felt much calmer.

“Can you believe that when you come back from Thanksgiving, all my clothes will be clean?” Taryn bounced up and down like a kid on Christmas morning.

Kelsi turned her head to the side to avoid a dangling sock potentially touching her mouth. “I honestly can’t. I hope your mom’s washing machine can take the workload.”

Bennett was leaning against the bumper, but he straightened up when he saw Kelsi approaching. “Here,” he said, racing over. “No one should have to touch my sister’s dirty clothes other than her brother.” He chuckled. “Wait, that sounded kind of weird.”

Kelsi laughed, feeling her palms get sweaty.

“Alllllll-righty,” Taryn said, having karate-kicked the last knot of sheets into the packed backseat. “That’s that! I just have to run and grab my duffle bag. Kelsi, be a dear and keep my poor lonely brother company while I’m gone.”

Kelsi’s cheeks flamed red as Taryn raced back to the dorm. Luckily, the wind had picked up and blew her brown hair across her face.

Bennett hopped onto the hood of his car and patted for Kelsi to join him. “So, my sister said you liked the CD?” he said, picking off a sticker from the toe of his Converse.

“Oh yeah!” Kelsi said, leaning next to him. “I loved it. That one Pedro the Lion song might just be my favorite.”

Bennet’s face lit up. “You know, Pedro the Lion is playing a show at my school after Thanksgiving. Maybe, if you were interested I could try to score us some tickets. It would give us something fun to look forward to.”

Kelsi smiled. “Maybe,” she replied.

She knew it would be a long time before she healed from her breakup with Tim. She knew she’d need time to be by herself, to get to know herself again. But there was always the future. And she liked the idea that there were fun things like concerts, and new friendships, and surprises worth waiting for.