A Promise for Tomorrow (9 page)
For three days Carolina had the utmost of good intentions. Her plan was not only to talk to Leland but also to clear the conflict between them and deal with Victoria’s obvious rebellion against James. But for three days she had suffered through her own bouts of troublesome health and watched Leland do likewise as he slipped in and out of consciousness. Leland’s problem would eventually resolve itself in death, while Carolina knew her problem would resolve itself in new life. She was pregnant. And in the midst of the conflict and chaos that had become her life, she had very nearly missed all the telltale signs. Now, however, with the child growing rapidly within her, there was no mistaking the matter any longer.
She gently touched her rounding stomach. It seemed to have mounded up almost overnight. One day she was girlishly lean, the next she was carrying a child in an almost obvious manner. She knew it hadn’t really come upon her exactly that way, but it seemed, with her worries over Victoria and James and her own crisis with Leland, that the excitement of bearing her first child had been swallowed up in grief.
Mrs. Graves had noticed immediately and was the only other person besides Cook who knew there was to be an addition to the family. Carolina had wanted to wait until the right time to tell James, but since the previous month, when she was quite certain about the life she carried, there had been no right time. Either James had been working or they had been arguing, and then Leland had suffered his attack. But now she was determined. When James returned home, she would tell him about the baby as well as the news that she had forgiven his father. At least she believed she had forgiven Leland. The final step was to go to the man and square the issue with him face-to-face. And that was what she was preparing to do.
Mrs. Graves had told her of Leland’s rally; he was awake now and asking for James. Carolina saw it as the perfect opportunity to go to him and speak her mind. She surveyed herself in the mirror, grateful that her day dress was cut in such a fashion as to hide her changing figure. The powder blue print was complimentary to her complexion, and the full elbow-length sleeves eased the heat of the growing summer warmth. Soon, she thought, I will have to have new clothes made. She stood sideways and ran her hand down her figure, then turned to face the mirror head on.
She licked her lips and prayed for strength. It wouldn’t be easy to humble herself before Leland, but after three days of prayer and fitful self-exploration, Carolina knew she was ready to let go of the past. This child represented the future. A future that she didn’t want marred with ugly reminders of unpleasant times. The baby gave her strength to consider the future and how the arrival of their first natural-born child might forever change their lives.
Drawing in a deep breath, Carolina gave up her reflective consideration and went to Leland’s room. She paused for a moment outside the door and once again murmured a prayer.
“Please, Father, let this go well. Let me do nothing to further upset Leland, but instead let my words give peace to us both.”
She turned the handle and wasn’t surprised to find Leland apparently anticipating her arrival. He was propped up ever so slightly and smiled weakly at the appearance of his daughter-in-law.
“I had hoped to talk to James, but you are a welcome sight nevertheless,” he said, his voice barely audible.
“I’m sorry to say, James has not yet returned from his trip west. He should come home soon, however.” She moved to the chair by the bed and took a seat. “I had rather hoped that we might talk before his return.”
Leland’s expression registered surprise. “I would like that.”
Carolina smiled. “I would, too.” She glanced away and tried to think of how she might bring up the subject that weighed on her when Leland all but took the words from her mouth.
“I would also like it if you could find it in your heart to forgive me.” He managed weakly to hold up his hand to wave off any protest Carolina might offer. “Please hear me out.” She nodded and he continued. “I was wrong to do the things I did. I know that your silence and money are the only reasons I’m not yet in prison. For that mercy, I am grateful.” His body was wracked with a hideous spell of coughing, which brought a premature end to his words.
Carolina leaned forward to offer assistance should Leland need to sit up any farther, but again he waved her off and soon the cough spent itself, and he drew a deep but ragged breath to continue. “Carolina, I’m deeply ashamed of what I did. I know that may not mean much, but it is the truth. Your father helped me to see that the only hope I have now is in making my soul right with God and mankind. Yours is the only forgiveness I have failed to obtain.”
Carolina’s eyes blurred with tears. “You haven’t failed, Leland. I do forgive you. I didn’t want to at first,” she admitted, “but God would not let me be. I knew it was wrong to hold anything against you, but I was so hurt at the betrayal.”
“I do not blame you for hating me.”
“But I didn’t really hate you—I only wanted to.” She paused and smiled. “Does that sound out of place? A Christian woman seeking to hate someone? But I thought hate would make the matter less painful. If anger and bitterness took the place of the hurt I felt, then I supposed somehow it would be easier to deal with. But it wasn’t, and I am sorry.”
Leland smiled and moved his hand to touch her arm. “I completely understand your motives. I would like you to understand mine, as well. You see, Edith was the light of my life. I wanted so much to be the man she needed. Her father had been a strong man. A powerful man, capable of leading others and making things happen. I was a simple clerk, and not very good at that, but I fell in love with Edith from the first moment I laid eyes on her. Probably much like James did with you.” He paused for several moments, his breathing rapid and very shallow.
“I wanted very much to make Edith see the potential in me, and when she did, I felt as though my life had become complete. It no longer mattered that I was but a simple clerk. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t offer her great wealth. She loved me, and it was in this that I found my self-worth. When her father died and she inherited her childhood home, I tried my best to fill her father’s shoes. Plantation life had never appealed to me. I didn’t have the land in my blood and could just as soon take it or leave it. But it was precious to Edith, and so for her sake I gave it my best effort. It was your father who eventually convinced me to sell the place.”
“My father?” Carolina asked, surprised at this news.
“He had become such a good friend. I had known him long before Edith agreed to marry me. He advised me often in the plantation business, showing me such things as what horses to purchase, when I had finally saved enough to obtain my own carriage and team. He could see that the plantation was rapidly declining under my care—or rather lack of it. He helped me see the sense in letting go of my desire to fill the position of the former master. When I approached Edith and told her how miserable I was, she understood and did not object to my selling the place. We sold it, then took the proceeds with us to purchase a house in Washington City and to start up my bank.”
At this he glanced away, and Carolina thought his expression had taken on a look of painful remorse. “You don’t have to go on,” she offered gently.
“Oh, but I do. For you, I want to go on. I want to tell it all so that you might better understand. You see, I knew I had cheated James out of his birthright. The plantation should one day have gone to him, but because I was unable to maintain it, I felt somehow I would have to make it up to him. I put everything I had into the bank, and when that, too, began to fall apart, what with the problems that haunted all of us in the banking business, I knew I would either have to find some way to bail myself out or suffer the ridicule of those I loved most. I sent James off to college, arguing with him about his interests, demanding that he take on mine. I didn’t have the proper funds to put him through school, but I knew that to pull him out would be to announce to the entire world that I had failed again.”
“Is that when you began to create counterfeit bank notes?”
Carolina asked.
Leland nodded. “My brother Samuel—you know, the one who came to visit last week?” Carolina nodded and he continued. “Samuel had always rubbed elbows with men of lower class and more corrupt natures. I knew he would know what to do, and soon the matter was resolved and times looked better. I didn’t think of it as hurting anyone in particular. After all, what were a few drafts here and there, drawn against huge banks with solid reserves? I never worried about the corruption of my own soul.
“Then I saw things get worse, and I pushed James to marry for money and social power. I knew it was wrong, but arranging marriages for children was perfectly acceptable, as you know.”
“Yes, I know it very well,” Carolina said with a smile. “Mother used to have a rule about the eldest daughter marrying first. Arranging a marriage for Virginia became a most consuming business.”
Leland nodded. “James never loved her. He came to tutor you in arithmetic and science, and instead lost his heart. I don’t blame him. You were always my favorite, as well.”
Carolina felt her face grow hot. “I didn’t know that,” she offered lamely.
“It’s another reason that having your forgiveness is important to me. I admire you, Carolina. For as much as I fought against your participation in masculine ambitions such as the railroad, I have to admit I felt intimidated by your knowledge of such things.”
“Most men have been. I think only James and my father remained unaffected.”
“Oh, I won’t speak for your father, although I know his pride in you is strong. But James I know full well, and I know he has been anything but unaffected by your intelligence. He loves it. He respects and welcomes it, and it has changed his outlook on life. Never forget that.”
“I’m afraid I’ve hurt him very much in all of this,” Carolina admitted. “I didn’t mean to let things get carried away. I didn’t mean to hold this grudge and create such hurtful feelings between us. Leland . . .” she spoke his name drawing a deep breath, “I hope you will forgive me. I know I was wrong.”
Leland’s expression was pained. “You did nothing wrong.”
“Yes, I did. I held this thing against you, and I knew that I should forgive you, even as God has forgiven me for my bad judgments, but instead I became stubborn and unyielding. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I do seek it.”
Leland reached out and took hold of her. Carolina felt how cold and lifeless his hand was, and she barely contained a shudder when she realized how close death was to consuming him.
“I can’t imagine,” he began, his voice growing ever weaker, “that you should need such a thing, but, yes, with all that is within my power, I forgive whatever wrong you believe you have done me.”
Carolina let her tears fall freely. “Thank you . . . Father Baldwin.” It was the first time she had addressed him in such a fashion, but it seemed right and good, and left her feeling warm and happy.
“You make the perfect daughter-in-law, Carolina. I’m so proud of James and his choice. I wish I could have had his convictions and strength of character. Maybe then I would have stood my ground and this talk would be unnecessary.”
“We have to let go of what might have been,” Carolina said, knowing it to be the truth.
“I only wish,” Leland said softly, “that I might have lived to see my grandchildren. You and James make such good parents to Victoria. I would have liked to have seen you with a baby in your arms. A Baldwin baby.”
Carolina flushed and squeezed Leland’s hand very gently. “I’m going to have a baby in November.”
Leland’s face lit up for the first time, and for a moment Carolina thought it might be just the thing to give him the will to live.
“James said nothing to me.”
Carolina smiled. “He doesn’t know yet.”
“He does now,” James called out.
Carolina turned to find him standing in the doorway. She had no way of knowing how long he’d been there, but his eyes were full of tears, and now, in spite of his obvious exhaustion, he was beaming a smile that stretched from one side of his face to the other.
“James!” she exclaimed and hurried to his arms. “I’ve missed you so—” She could say no more, for his lips had come down to cover her own in a much-longed-for kiss.
She relished the feeling of his arms around her, and when his kiss deepened, Carolina melted against him happily. This was as it should be, and Carolina wanted to forget that anything else existed except for this man and this moment.
Leland’s raspy cough broke the spell, however. Both Carolina and James pulled away to come to his aid. He laughed as he settled his body and reached out a hand to his son. “I’m so glad you have come. There are some things I want to say before it’s too late.”
“I know. I overheard a great many of them,” James replied.
“I don’t want to die without your knowing how very proud I am of you,” Leland answered.
“Thank you, Father. It means the world to me that I have not shamed you.”
Leland shook his head. “You never could. However, I have shamed you, and I know that full well. Forgive me, and my life will be complete.”
“I do forgive you, just as I pray you have forgiven me for not seeing your need.”
“It wasn’t a son’s place,” Leland said, dropping his hold on James. “I’m weary now and I think I would like to sleep.” He glanced up at Carolina and smiled. “Take good care of her, son. She’s a rare and lovely woman, and I could not have chosen better for you.”
“I will,” James said and put his arm around Carolina. He looked at her with such tenderness that Carolina forgot about the pain of the past few months.
They left Leland to sleep and went to the privacy of their bedroom. No sooner had James closed the door than he let out a yell of enthusiastic approval. “We’re having a baby!”
Carolina laughed as he picked her up and spun her around. “I wanted to wait for a more perfect time to tell you.”
“The timing could not have been better. I was so touched to eavesdrop on your conversation with Father. It truly humbled and blessed me, darling.” He put her down but held her tightly in his arms. “I love you so much, Carolina.”