A Fine Specimen (22 page)

“Are you sure you don’t
want to think this over for a while?” Alex asked for the tenth time over lunch
at a pleasant diner around the corner from her brand-new apartment. “What’s the
rush?”

Caitlin insisted on
paying, saying she wanted to celebrate. It was the first time he’d allowed her
to pay for a meal. It was supposed to be a celebration, but it felt more like a
wake.

“You wouldn’t want to do
anything rash. That real estate agent looked like a shark.”

“Alex.” Caitlin sighed,
her head bowed. She looked up again, searching his eyes for…what? Whatever it
was she was looking for, it wasn’t there. The only thing in his eyes was
impatience, because he wasn’t getting his way. “I made the right decision on
the apartment and Karen isn’t a shark. She seemed like a perfectly nice lady.
It’s a lovely place and right on the bus line for the Foundation. It’s in good
shape, it’s large and it’s affordable. I was very lucky.”

God, signing the lease
contract had been so
hard
. She’d had to stiffen her muscles to hide her
shaking hands and had held tears at bay by sheer willpower.

But she was doing the
only thing she possibly could. She needed a home base, she needed her books and
her things, he wasn’t asking her to stay…ergo, she had to find an apartment. No
other way around it. If there was one thing twenty-three consecutive years of
school had taught her, it was logic.

Logic really didn’t have
too much to do with her feelings though. Perfectly aware that she was doing the
right thing—the
only
thing—it had still been like cauterizing a wound.
Painful and necessary.

Who knew what Alex was thinking?
He was scarfing down his lasagna, face remote and closed. Not talking.

Well, it was his show
all the way. If he wanted her to stay, he had to say so, loud and clear.

Though part of her
wanted to weep, another part of her understood.

Alex was a loner and,
though it felt as if her heart were being ripped from her chest, she had to
respect that. He obviously didn’t want her to go—but he just as obviously
wasn’t willing to ask her to stay.

Which left her where she
had somehow always known she’d end up with Alex.

Nowhere.

She pushed her food
around on her plate, plastering a serene expression on her face. After a
lifetime’s silence, Alex cleared his throat and Caitlin looked up.

He forked up the last
bite and pushed his plate away. “That was good.”

Food. Okay, they were
going to talk about the food. She could do that. “Yeah. Mine’s delicious.” It
was
—a
creamy, warm goat cheese salad. Fabulous, except that every bite stuck in her
throat.

“Uh-huh.” His mouth
lifted in a half smile. “If you’re a goat. Or a rabbit. Fantastic.” He made of
habit of ribbing her good-naturedly about her light eating habits, mostly
salads and whole grains. “How’d you know about this place? I didn’t know about
it and I’ve lived here all my life.”

“Karen told me.”

His face closed up.
Well, that was a conversation stopper. Dropping the K-bomb.

Silence. Complete and
utter silence.

Get used to it.
Once she moved into her new apartment, there was
the possibility that they might see each other a few times. A lunch or two.
Dinner, maybe. Maybe even go to bed together, and she’d get dressed and go back
home, not knowing when she’d see him again. That was number one hundred
forty-six in her Scenarios for Heartbreak.

A clean break was best,
the smart thing to do. The only thing to do. So why did it hurt so much?

She finished her salad
and sat back, hands in her lap, waiting to see what his next move would be—if there
was
a next move. Maybe this was It. One last meal, clearing out her
stuff and she’d never see him again.

She breathed in and out,
past the pain of the thought.

Alex cleared his throat.
“Caitlin, I, ah, I wanted to ask you if, ah…” He stopped.

She blinked. That was
totally unlike Alex’s normal speech patterns. He spoke crisply, well and always
to the point. She’d never heard him stammer, not once.

Caitlin’s heart started
pounding. She leaned forward. “Yes, Alex?”

He pulled apart a slice
of bread and started rolling the bread into little balls. “I was wondering if
you would…”

“Mmm?” she murmured,
heart beating triple time. “If I would…what?”

Oh God, maybe he was
hurting as much as she was! Maybe the finality of signing the lease woke him
up. Maybe the thought of her leaving was worse than the thought of trying to
live together on a long-term basis.

Maybe—

She gave herself a
little shake.
Listen to what he has to say.

Alex looked her full in
the face then and she saw him struggling with something. He swallowed. “This is
hard.”

Oh yeah, it would be,
wouldn’t it? Maybe he’d never asked a woman to live with him. Of course it was
hard. She’d make it as easy for him as possible.

“Just ask, Alex,” she
said softly, hope flaring.

“Okay. Okay.” He blew
out a breath, sucked another one in. “I…ah…would you…” His jaw muscles were
working overtime and he swallowed hard. He looked away for a moment, shook his head
sharply then looked back at her. “Would you…would you go shopping with me? I
told you before, I really hate shopping. Maybe it won’t be so bad with you
around. I need some clothes and I’d like your input.” He narrowed his eyes at
her, as if just now noticing her sitting across the table from him. “Do you
have the time? I don’t want to interfere with your schedule or anything.”

She coughed to loosen
her throat. “Yes, I have the time,” she answered. “It won’t take me long to
pack.”

Going clothes shopping.
Caitlin’s heart sank down to her toes. He wanted her to go shopping with him.
Actually, she was possibly the worst person on the planet to go clothes
shopping with. She didn’t know any of the shops in town except the one boutique
where she’d bought her few new items—including the do-me dress, and she didn’t
think spandex or Lurex would suit him.

He knew she didn’t have
an eye for clothes. He just wanted to spend more time with her. Without, of
course, actually coming right out and saying so. The coward.

“Sure, Alex.” A
clenching of teeth, upturned mouth and a smile was forced out. “And maybe we
can go crazy and buy some colors. Dark gray or even,” she blinked back tears,
“even navy blue.”

* * * * *

Dawn was about half an
hour away. Caitlin lay on her side, eyes wide open, and watched the day begin
outside the window. A faint pale blue glow was lighting up the sky, enough for
her to start distinguishing the night sky from the poplars bordering his backyard.

She’d been watching the
utter blackness of the window all night, barely blinking, hardly breathing. She
hadn’t slept at all. She hadn’t even been able to close her eyes. Her body had
lost even the notion of sleep. She’d lain awake, staring out the black window,
listening to Alex’s even breathing. He was utterly still, not moving a muscle.
If she hadn’t heard him breathing, she would have thought he was dead.

Not having slept at all
wasn’t a good thing. She had a really busy day ahead of her and she was moving
out of Alex’s house at the end of it. Getting through today would require every
ounce of self-control she had. The last thing she needed was to be groggy from
lack of sleep.

If she’d been in her own
apartment, she would have gotten up for a glass of milk or to make herself a
cup of herbal tea in the hope of falling back asleep. But she hadn’t wanted to
wake Alex up, so she simply lay on her side all night, staring dry-eyed out the
window.

For the first time since
she’d moved in, she and Alex had gone to bed without making love. Or, rather,
having sex. The term “making love” was a misnomer. A scholar should try to call
things by their correct names.

They’d come home,
Caitlin had packed her few belongings, buried her nose in her
questionnaires—though she’d die before she’d let Alex know she hadn’t absorbed one
single word—and they’d gone to bed early. Alex had quietly said good night and
rolled over. She’d listened to his breathing grow heavy, wishing she could
simply follow him into Sandland. Instead she’d watched the sky reach its
deepest black, stay dark for a bazillion minutes and was now watching it
lighten again.

Sometime during the
night, Alex had rolled back over. He was lying on his side, facing her back.
She could feel his intense body heat all along her back, head to toe. Any other
night, she would have rolled toward him, instinctively reached out to him,
touched him. Not now. Even though only inches separated them, those inches were
like an endless, unbridgeable gulf.

She no longer had the
right to touch him whenever she felt like it. This hadn’t been spoken aloud,
but then these things weren’t communicated in words. She’d had affairs and
they’d ended. She knew perfectly well when you lost the right to touch your
partner at will.

The thought was painful
but real. Alex wasn’t hers anymore, in any way. All that intimacy and fun and
sensuality—gone, as if it hadn’t existed.

God, the whole night had
been so painful, a study in suffering. Breaking up with someone had never been
this painful before. Sometimes—as with Marvin the Unready—breaking up had
actually been a huge relief. But not now. Now she felt as if her heart had been
ripped out of her chest, leaving a dull black void.

As a little girl, she’d
hated going to the dentist, wishing she could just press a button and fast-forward
life to after the dentist appointment. The grown Caitlin wished the same right
now, fiercely. Staying here, listening to Alex breathe, separated by only a few
inches that might as well have been a continent, was so painful it hurt her
chest. How she wished there were a Life Remote Control that could let her fast-forward
past this morning. Be on the other side of it without having to go through it.

Getting up, having a
silent breakfast, the silent ride into town, trying to smile as she said goodbye…

God, she just hoped she
could do all that and keep her dignity.

The sky lightened to
pewter, leaves on the trees started to appear. A lark sang somewhere nearby.
The sky was cloudless. It was going to be a glorious morning. A really good
morning to start the rest of her life. Usually that kind of inner happy talk
was enough to lift her mood, but not right now. The rest of her life stretched
before her like a bleak, empty, lonely plain.

Caitlin stared out the
window. Was it too soon to get up? She couldn’t just wander around the house
like some lost soul. She was quick in the morning. Even stretching things out,
she’d be washed and dressed and waiting downstairs hours before Alex awoke. The
only thing she could do was sit on the couch and wait for him, which on the Fun
Scale was about zero.

Maybe she could—

Her thoughts
short-circuited when she felt a big hand land on her hip, at the point of her
hipbone, warm and heavy.

She stopped breathing.

Slowly, the hand
smoothed over her hipbone, long fingers covering her belly. Her stomach muscles
clenched, a reaction she couldn’t stop to save her life. How embarrassing. At
his lightest touch, her body instantly responded, no matter what her head was
telling her. She could tell herself to stay still, keep calm, but it was as if a
riot had broken out inside her.

The big hand caressed
her stomach muscles, moving in a slow circle, round and round. She held her
breath, held herself still. As if his hand were some woodland creature and
moving would scare it off.

It had been a warm night
and the sheet only half covered her. Looking down, she could see his hand on
her belly, his beautiful golden skin a shocking contrast to the paleness of her
own.

Every sense in her body
was concentrated there, where his hand touched her. Warmth swirled, following
the movement of his hand. She had to breathe but found it hard. His hand moved
lower, rubbing softly, and she bit her lip to keep a moan back.

There was utter silence
in the room. She’d noticed that all night. There had been no traffic, no wind,
not even dogs barking. And even now, with the morning beginning, they were
cocooned in silence.

She was breathing
shallowly, finding it hard to suck in enough oxygen, desperate to keep from
panting. Alex’s hand cupped her, widening her thighs. A hard, hairy thigh
slipped between hers, holding her legs open. A long finger slid along the
outside of her sex and she stifled another moan. She was already slippery with
arousal. He could feel it. She didn’t want him to hear her panting and moaning
from his light touch.

Alex knew he turned her
on. How
much
he turned her on was something she wanted to keep as her
own secret, particularly now, at the end of the affair. Over the past few days,
Caitlin’s body had turned into a sex-response machine that only switched on at
Alex’s touch.